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Saturday, August 17, 2013

The Long and Winding Road

Today was one of those roller coaster days emotionally for me. Up, down, twisted and turned hour after hour. I blamed a million things, being a gemini, the weather, hormones, not having enough chocolate etc.... The real problem is that I have a lot of fears. Fear of failure, of not being good enough, of not being there for my sons and husband, fear of feeling resentful if I don't do things for myself.  Fear of not being able to live my dreams. The list goes on and on. So, you get the idea, Right? Yep. I am an emotional mess. But not always. It just seems to come in waves. I have so much on my mind lately and sometimes my brain just gets overwhelmed. I notice I have been taking a lot more naps lately. It is a good way to recharge. Being a wife and mom, you always have to be there for your family. But, you still have take to for yourself. Which in my situation, is not very easy. I mean I do get the occasional moment away, but it is almost time to start up our homeschool lessons again so, even those few moments will be less. Do I sound ungrateful? I really hope not. I struggle with that. I never want to sound unappreciative.. I feel truly blessed to have a husband that supports me. I also love being able to stay home and homeschool our youngest boys. I thought really long and hard about putting them back in school. But,when we weighed the pros and cons, we just couldn't find any pros right now.

And now on to the elephant in the room. My acting career. Better yet, my lack of an acting career. As hard as I try, I can't seem to figure out how to manage being a stay at home mom that teaches her children from home and goes out for auditions and actively pursues an acting career. It just doesn't seem possible. While some people see that as me giving up, I think it is me setting priorities. God knows I wish I had the freedom to go off and live my dreams of being an actress. However, I have two really important people that need me more. It isn't easy though. I have wanted to act since I was a little kid and it is hard to not being to pursue full steam ahead. Don't think I am giving it up. If a job comes my way, I am all over it. But, until that day I need to be the best teacher to my sons that I can be. I hope to still work as an extra as much as possible and  I still dream of one day going to the Oscars. For now, I am just hoping the roller coaster ride stops. I am feeling a bit dizzy. 

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