After the storms, the sun Returns

If you read my last post, then you know how incredibly sad I was. Now, part of me actually wanted to delete that post because I was so down at the time. But, when I started writing about my cancer journey, I promised that I would be completely honest. Even, if that meant sometimes I might seem like an unstable, on the verge of a major breakdown person. I also kept the post up to show that people have those "hill and valley" moments. That's normal. I don't know anyone that is happy and jovial all the time. Life just isn't like that. Not mine anyway.

Since my last post, the dark clouds looming over me have cleared. My mood is much better and I'm no longer profoundly sad. I still searching for my purpose, but I'm not obsessing over it. I am concentrating more on living in the moment. That's not easy for me. I am a classic over-thinker. I am one of those people that creates scenarios in my head and then my imagination runs off with them causing my nervous system to react as if they have actually happened when they haven't. I blame this on being a writer and actor. I am currently working on this with the help of my acupuncture therapist. She has given me some great tolls when my mind starts "roaming." I also find it helps to pick up my journal and just start writing.  I'm not 100% where I want to be. I still battle with depression and anxiety as I have since I was a child. But, I am learning better ways to not let those down days drag on into down weeks. 

Anyway, I just wanted to jump on quickly and thank those that are still reading my blog. It hasn't always been easy to be so transparent with my life and the ups and downs that come along with being me. But, it has been rewarding to have people tell me that they appreciate my candor. 

So, today I am hopeful that ultimately, I will find my place in this world. Until then, I will keep trying. That's all any of us really can ever do. 

Thanks for reading

Peace and Love, good people

On The Subject of Purpose

Today I want to discuss, PURPOSE. Specifically, my purpose. Even before I was diagnosed with cancer I wondered what my purpose was. What am I supposed to be doing while on this earth? I didn't know then and I still don't know. I'm sure for a while it was to try and be the best wife and mom I could be. I made it my point to concentrate on them and help guide them through the maze of childhood and adolescence. Now, that 2 are adults and the younger two are teens, they still need guidance, but of course, it's different. For so many years I've prayed that one day I would get that "Aha Moment." The light bulb would turn on in my brain and I would know without a doubt what my purpose was. Yet, at the age of 52, it still eludes me.

I homeschooled my two youngest sons throughout their elementary school years, only taking a "break" for one year when they were in 4th and 2nd grade. It was always my hope that one day when they went to highschool whether it be homeschool or a brick and mortar building, I could focus more on my acting career. As much as I enjoyed having them home and being their learning coach, I was ready to finally be able to work on some of the dreams and desires that I had put on the back burner when I became a full-time wife, mother, and homemaker.

In March of 2018, I saw a dream realized. I got an agent! I was so thrilled because that meant that I could finally go on auditions for the shows, movies, and commercials that come through Chicago. I knew that my younger sons would both be attending high school away from home and it would be my turn after all these years of being a stay at home mom.  Well, in a cruel twist of irony, after dropping them off for their first day of school, September 4th, 2018, I returned home to a phone call from the hospital. I was told that I had triple-negative invasive ductal carcinoma with metastasis to the lymph nodes. In the blink of an eye, I had become the poster child for Alanis Morrisette's song, Ironic.

With my hands shaking and my voice quivering, I remember my calling my agent. I've wondered for so long why I called her first. But, I believe it was because I felt like my dreams died with that cancer. And she was the one that was connected to that dream. I also had an audition the next day and I didn't know if I should go. I was so discombobulated. I ended up going to that audition and even getting a call back, but things were moving so fast with all the testing and hospital appointments, I wasn't able to go......Dreams Crushed.

During my treatments, I wondered so many times, WHY? Why would I be given this dream if I wouldn't be able to see it realized? But I told myself that it wasn't a defeat, it was just a delay. I was encouraged when during the course of my cancer treatments, I booked a national commercial for Walgreens. I was so very thankful for it because it was an amazing experience and it helped pay for my mounting medical bills. However, in the back of my mind, I was hurt because I wasn't acting. And that is what I wanted to be doing. I had managed to book a dream job, but it was only because I had cancer.

Moving months ahead. The cancer treatments are over, I'm in remission, my hair is growing back and I'm thinking, this 2019 audition season I'm going to be ready! I made my list of goals I wanted to accomplish and I put them out into the universe. I tell myself I can deal with the discomfort from the neuropathy in my feet and the pain and swelling from the lymphedema in my arm and left breast. Surely my PURPOSE ( not sure I'm using the correct word at this point anymore) and my passion will make room for me. Acting! That has to be it! Because I think about it every single day.

Cue that damn Alanis Morrisette song, again!
While I was going through all of my testing I had a PET scan. It's like a giant intensive CT scan of your entire body that looks for cancer. Well, my PET scan uncovered something that wasn't cancer but answered a question that had plagued me for 5 years. In 2014, I started having trouble with my left leg. No one could figure out what the problem was. The diagnosis ranged from severe osteoarthritis to lupus, MS and one time they even thought it might be bone cancer. They had ruled out Paget's disease of bone, an incurable degenerative disease that destroys your bones because I was too young and it usually occurs on both sides simultaneously. Well, the PET scan says I'm not too young and my body continues to be a medical anomaly. I still have to see more doctors for the official diagnosis, but every time I go to see a new doctor they look at my chart and say, "Oh, I see you have paget's disease." So, that's a pretty good indication.

So after waiting for so long to start "living" my life, I get cancer. I beat cancer, then I find out my bones are degenerating. I had actually forgotten about my leg issues for a while because, during my cancer treatments, and up until about 2 months ago, I had absolutely no pain in my legs. I see this as a mercy. But my doctor says it's probably the result of being on heavy steroids during my chemo. Well, the steroids are all out of my system and the pain, unfortunately, has returned.

 I have now reached a crossroads where I have to rethink absolutely everything. And I have to face the possibility that my PURPOSE in life may never truly be realized. At least not the purpose I wanted.

I have the leading part in a role I never wanted to play.

I am profoundly sad.

Honestly, I feel like I let a lot of people down. I know I didn't cause my health issues. I couldn't have prevented any of them. But, now I have to learn how to live with it and the limitations that those issues place on my life and my future. We canceled our family vacation this year because of me and my inability to be on my legs for an extended amount of time. I won't be able to devote the time I wanted to acting because of my health. And I am faced with leaving my talent agency because I'm no good to them if I can't book jobs.

My soul is crushed.

So, now what?

I really don't know.

I'm sure after I publish this, people will have all sorts of nifty ideas for what my next steps should be.
But truthfully, I just want to be left with my thoughts for a while. I have a ton to process and right now I can only muster the strength to deal with things my own thoughts.
I remain thankful for every single day.

Maybe my PURPOSE is to find the silver lining in the chaos that is my life or help others tie their passion to their purpose. And if that's true. Then that will have to be good enough for me.

Peace and Love, good people.