In late July, I noticed a lump in my left armpit. It didn't hurt, it was just there. I wondered if I had an abscess, or just a swollen lymph node. Another week went by and it hadn't changed. I decided it was time I let a doctor check it out. I was overdue for my yearly physical so I made an appointment at the new hospital I had recently started going to with a doctor I was referred to by the central scheduling operator. My mother always tells me I'm hard on doctors. But, that's only because most of them have totally dismissed me and sent me on my way unrelieved. That was not the case with this doctor. I believe God sent me to this woman. She is comforting, kind and thorough. She did my physical and then felt the node. I could tell she thought it was more than just a swollen node. She made me an appointment to have a mammogram the very next day and made sure she sent me to see a breast specialist. I went in, had the mammogram and the radiologist also decided to do an ultrasound on the node while I was there. Turns out it wasn't just one node. There were three nodes and they were alarmingly big. My heart sunk. My thoughts immediately went to cancer. But, I had been told that my mammogram was clear. And, during the ultrasound, the doctor said that some auto-immune diseases could cause enlarged lymph nodes so not to worry. I breathed a sigh of relief because my rheumatologist had been testing me to see if I had a rare auto-immune disease due to some unrelated issues. Still, a biopsy was suggested. I was a bit nervous, but I went home sure that my swollen nodes were from some weird auto-immune disease. On Sept. 4th after dropping off my teenage sons for their first day of school, I received the call that has changed my life forever. The results were in. I heard the doctor say that the news wasn't good. I had Metastatic carcinoma. WHAT!? How the heck could I have cancer? And how had it spread already? My mammogram was clear! What the heck was going on? My head was swimming. I felt panic come over me. My heart was beating out of my chest. I felt like I would fall to the ground. I quickly gained my composure long enough to tell my husband that our biggest fear was hitting us right in the face. My composure didn't last long. I cried, he cried. We just held each other for a while and tried to make sense of the devastating news. I received a second call a short time after. The hospital needed me to come in for a special breast MRI that night. They needed to find the origin of the cancer because this was the only way they could find out how to fight it. They knew it wasn't lymphoma, so it had to have started somewhere and as weird as it may sound, they were hoping it was in my breast. I went in that night for the MRI and the following day for a breast ultrasound. I stared at the screen willing it to still be clear. But there it was. A mass hidden deep in the milk duct of my left breast, unable to be seen on the mammogram of which I had had two of. A breast biopsy would confirm, Invasive ductal carcinoma with metastasis. Also known as, Metastatic Breast Cancer. I was given a PET scan to look for any other cancer in my body. Luckily, there was none. You'll notice I haven't mentioned what Stage it is. That's not an oversight. People tend to either lift you up or pity you depending on what Stage cancer you have. It's like if you have stage 1 or 2 they smile and say, glad they caught it early you'll be fine. But, don't let it be the dreaded stage 3 and God forbid it's stage 4 because then like you see on tv, the smiles disappear and they just pat you on the shoulder and tell you they will "pray for you." I'm partially kidding. Don't get me wrong. I believe prayers are welcome for any stage of cancer, it's just the "way" they say it. Like they don't truly believe you can really be cured. All kidding aside. I'm extremely thankful for each and every prayer, good thought, and all the positive, healing energy being sent my way. They truly do lift me up. Those that have known about this diagnosis have only been positive and have brought me out of a few days of depression. I know that prayer along with lots of humor and laughter will carry me through the coming days. One other thing is, I now notice every single commercial for cancer drugs on television and I cringe at the list of side-effects that they mention at the end. Talk about an instant anxiety attack. I've now started watching the tv with my hand on the mute button, just in case one comes on.
Since my diagnosis less than 2 weeks ago, I have gone through so many emotions. I am angry. I feel like my body is cursed. I already have a neurological condition (Chiari Malformation) and severe osteoarthritis in my hips. Now cancer on top of all that?? I feel sad. I feel scared. I feel like Loki on the Avengers and Hulk just keeps slamming me into the ground, picking me up and slamming me again, nonstop. I have been waiting for the moment when my boys were in high school so I could finally concentrate on my acting career. I finally got representation from a talent agency in March of this year and I was so excited to fully work on my dreams of being a full-time actor. I feel cheated out of that chance. I've gone on a few auditions since my diagnosis, but I haven't booked any jobs. My head just hasn't been where it needs to be. No matter how much I try, all I can think about is this damn cancer. I know my dreams are just on hold for a while, but it still really hurts. People will tell you to think positively and to guard your spirit. But honestly, I just want to scream and cry and hit something with a bat. I didn't even mention how hard it was to tell my mother, brother, sister and especially our sons about my diagnosis. I feel bad that they have to deal with this. My boy's focus should be on school and work, not stressing about what's happening with me. And my sweet husband. He's been through so much with me and my illnesses. This just seems so unfair.
I just want to see my teens grow up. I want to be here when they graduate high school and college. I want to see them get married and have children of their own. I want to watch my 3 year old grandson grow up and go to high school, college, and beyond. I want to see my two adult sons get their dream jobs, or open a business, get married, find their first gray hairs, have 1st children, have more children so I can tease them about how they were as babies. I want to grow old with my husband. I want to book amazing acting jobs and see my dreams realized. I WANT TO LIVE!
On Sept. 17th, I will meet with the cancer team and see what the plan is for my treatment.They say it could be a combination of chemotherapy, radiation and surgery. I've been told I can be cured. I wish I could be 100% sure of this. I've seen too many people, friends and family, alike not beat their bouts with cancer. My dad and sister in law being two of them. I am thankful that I have an amazing support system. I am thankful that I have doctors that didn't dismiss my enlarged node. I am hopeful that I will beat this. I am terrified of chemotherapy, but I am in survival mode and will do what I need to do to be cancer free. I'm sure when I post this, I will get a million suggestions on what to eat, and what to drink and if I'm sure I want to do chemo and blah blah blah, blah blah etc.... I know it will all come from a place of love and concern. But, if it will give me the best chance to live and beat this, hell yeah I'm doing it!!
I plan to blog about my journey. I hope you will join me.
I have cancer, but I am not cancer. I hope people realize that. I'm still me. I'm still a wife, mom, grandmother, daughter, sister, auntie, niece, cousin, friend, actor, writer, nature photographer, gardener, and dreamer and more.
I'm Jocelyn A Board-Dorsey
Future cancer Survivor
#CancerSucks
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