My Journey With Cancer-The Kindness of Strangers

Since we last chatted, I've had a few more treatments. I've lost ALL of my hair(with the exception of my eyebrows and lashes) my nail beds are turning purple and the skin on my hands has gotten a shade darker. I still feel pretty good for the most part. I do get tired pretty easily and my tastebuds have forsaken me. Most things have no taste. They just taste like cardboard or cotton. I still make sure to eat, but it's definitely not for pleasure. Certain smells make me nauseous, but it's mostly a mental thing. So, I am working on that. 

I wanted to talk about the blessings that I have received over the past few weeks. I have been surprised with cards, gifts, and well-wishes from perfect strangers. I wake up to prayers being said for me on Instagram.  I was "ambushed" by the Brave Chicks. They are a wonderful group of cancer survivors that come to uplift and support other women fighting cancer. They gave me a gift card, an honorary membership certificate, and a plethora of "groovy socks" to wear to chemo. This outpouring of love has been so healing to my spirit. As you can imagine, I have been going through so many emotions. But, most of them lately have just been gratitude, gratitude, gratitude. I initially felt really alone when I got my diagnosis. I knew I wasn't alone, but I just felt so disconnected. Now, that I have met amazing cancer survivors and fighters, I know that I have an army right alongside me fighting, praying, encouraging and believing that I will soon be a cancer survivor. 

I did want to share some more good news with you. The ping-pong sized lymph-nodes in my armpit have shrunk. I can no longer feel any swelling. I was kinda nervous to get my hopes up, but I am celebrating every positive development!  I also excepted a role in a play. I was so inspired by an amazing woman named, Toni Lynice Fountain who is fighting breast cancer for the 2nd time but hasn't let that stop her from acting. Her story really made me realize that there's no reason why I can't keep pursuing my dreams. 

To those that have reached out to me through a card, a phone call, a personal visit or even a message on Facebook, Thank you! 

To my amazing friend, Odessa Frey I LOVE YOU, LADY! Can't wait to visit you in Vegas! And thank you to all of her friends that blessed me and made me smile with their kindness.  

To those out there that are fighting, stay strong. I know how hard it is, but you're not alone. To those that are encouraging someone through their illness. Keep up the great work. Your support is invaluable. 

Peace and Love 

My Journey With Cancer-What I learned When I Let Go

I am so thankful that I not only wrote but published and let others read my last post. I could have simply written and deleted it or written and left it as a draft. But, it was important and imperative that I write it and let others read it. Because we don't share the ugly enough. Especially as women. I was thinking about the day I found out that I have cancer. My husband and I had just dropped our teens off for their 1st day of school and returned home. I was expecting a call with my results, but I wasn't expecting to be told that I had cancer. Let alone cancer that had already spread. I immediately went into "mom mode." I wanted to make sure everyone else was okay. My husband, my mom, my siblings and especially my children. I was even trying to figure out what to make for dinner that evening. And from that moment until I wrote that post a few days ago, I had been in go mode. Even though I thought I was handling the stress of my diagnosis and all that, I wasn't. I started having daily headaches, chest pains and finally lower back pains that felt like someone was tying my back muscles in painful knots and pulling them tighter and tighter. Every time my heart beat my entire body would hurt. That made me realize that I really wasn't dealing with my stress at all. I had to let it out. Crying wasn't doing it. I had to face every truthful feeling I had suppressed and release them.

A lot of us, men and women alike are taught to not complain. Because that would make us seem ungrateful and we should never seem ungrateful because we have to much to be thankful for. Well, we do have a lot to be thankful for. But, we also are humans that live in a chaotic world where insane things can happen in the blink of an eye. We are also taught to be "Strong." I hear that word a lot. People tell me I am strong all the time. So, with my current situation, I fixated on that. People call me strong, they expect me to be strong so I have to be strong. Well, let me tell you something. Being "strong" almost took your girl out. For real. If I had not recognized what was happening to me and released all that I was holding on to.......I don't even like to think about it.

I worried about sounding too negative in my last post. I even edited it at least 4 times so I wouldn't seem ungrateful. You see what I mean?? I was more worried about what other people would think of my rant. Worried that I might offend someone. I was about to DIE from stress!! But I was still over here worrying about seeming like I wasn't thankful.

Well, I am thankful. Every single day. Even on the sucky days. And I am doubly thankful that I followed my extremely stressed out mind and wrote my rant post because guess what? I haven't had a headache or a chest pain since. And, my back stopped hurting. It was as if a 50 pound weight was lifted from my spirit.

I released that negativity from myself. I spoke the words that a lot of people feel but won't say. I saved myself that day. I really believe that. This journey is changing me. And it has only just begun.

I will tell you this. If you see me and you ask me how I feel, be ready for an honest answer. If you don't want to know, don't ask. Because I'm not holding back anymore. I can't afford to.

Peace and Love.

P.S. I have embraced the Pink Ribbons again! I fight with them and for them!! #BreastCancerAwareness

“Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it.”
―Ann Landers

My Journey With Cancer-This is not a "feel good" post

Copyright Disney 

I lamented about even writing this post. But, when I started it, people commented that they admired my honesty. So, today's post is just that. How I feel, TODAY!

Today I feel angry. Actually, angry is too mild.
I'M PISSED!

Yes! Pissed is a much much better way to describe how I feel. I am pissed that I have cancer! I am pissed that I have to wonder every day if I can really be cured. I am pissed that my family has to worry about me. I am pissed that the sight of pink ribbons now makes me sick! I say this after I bought 12 pairs of Breast cancer awareness socks that are really cute.  I know this my repulsion won't always be the case . This is just so new and still unbelievable to me.  I ask God daily to Bless all the amazing women fighting this horrible horrible dis-ease. And God Bless the survivors!! I am pissed that I have to put my life on hold AGAIN! I am pissed that some people are afraid to talk to me or they look at me as the "cancer lady and feel they have to handle me with super soft fuzzy pink mittens.  I am pissed that my body is scarred from my port surgery and that it will have even more scars after my surgery in January. I am pissed that my one of my sons cried at school during his lunch period because he worries about me. (and getting straight A's.) I am pissed that I may not be here to plant my garden in the Spring.

I am pissed that I may carry a cancer gene that I have passed down to my sons. I am pissed that I worry daily about if my husband will find me attractive if I have to have both of my breasts removed. He says, of course, he will. But I am pissed that I worry so much about that.  I am pissed that a family member was told not to mention my cancer to others like it's some kind of contagious plague passed on by word of mouth!  I am pissed that the chemo I take to hopefully survive could irreparably damage my heart! I am pissed that the type of breast cancer I have is more difficult to cure. I am pissed that people keep sending me posts about cancer. (even though I know they are coming from a place of love and care)

I am pissed that when I say how much I want to get back to acting, people say, "Just write!" I don't want to just write. I want to act! I've been writing my entire life! Would you tell a chef who lost their hands to just eat?? (I know they also mean well, but writing is not the same as acting. At least not to me.) I am pissed at the commercials that remind me that metastatic breast cancer is "relentless." Do they know how that makes people with this damn condition feel? It makes me feel horrible!!! And even quadruply(made up word??) worse when the medicine they offer can't even be offered to me. I am pissed that I had no idea just how many people on my father's side actually had cancer because nobody talks about it! I am pissed with the people that when they find out I have cancer give me a chipper, "Oh, you'll be just fine!" (I know they mean well. I am starting to believe that this is more for them than me)

*Pause for several deep cleansing breaths*

I am pissed that I don't know if my family will ever be able to take another vacation because my medical bills will be ridiculous even with insurance.
I am pissed that I wonder if  I will be able to celebrate my mother's next birthday, my next birthday, my son's birthday in June. My 25th wedding anniversary next July, or my son's high school graduation and all the other awesome dates that end in 2019 and beyond. Now, I know that I was never promised to see any of those days, but this hanging over me, just makes it stressful. I am pissed that I have doubts. I am pissed that I've wondered if God will answer Yes to my prayers to beat this disease.


I AM PISSED THAT CANCER EXISTS!!!

*sigh*


I am thankful to the amazing people that have reached out to me. That have offered a ride, a prayer, sent a card, called to check on me, sent a message. Or that have made me laugh really hard! (Kevin Joseph, I love you! 😉)

I am thankful to my cousin, Gail who has been a shoulder to cry on years before this and remains such a calming force in my life, even though she keeps inviting to me breast cancer stuff that I'm not ready to deal with yet. (Feelings are still a bit raw, cousin)

My journey has just begun. And, I am sure that I will continue to have a range of emotions. However, the one I really hope to share with you all is the one of jubilation when I am deemed "cancer free."

If you've made it to the end of this post. Thank you for reading my rant. I feel so much better now.
*But I'm still pissed I even had to write a post like this*

Peace and Love

“I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars.” 
― Og Mandino