Sharing my life with you, is what I do.

Wednesday, April 11, 2018

A Moment of Transparency

It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop.

 I really need to talk about something that I've been dealing with. I decided to talk about it because keeping it all bottled up inside isn't helping me. Recently, I have had some life-changing health issues crop up that have knocked me for a loop. Each one causes me great pain at times and none of them are curable. Well, one is, but I have to go through surgery and therapy just to see if it will help with no guarantees that it will. When all of this hit me, it floored me. I didn't want to deal with the possibility that I will be in some type of pain every day for the rest of my life. For God sakes, I am only 50 years old! So, with this information came a million questions that swirled around my head. Most of them revolving around whether I would ever be able to see my dreams come to fruition. My dream has been to be a successful commercial, tv, and movie actor. And now that I have been diagnosed with an unspecified degenerative bone disorder in my hips on top of my pre-existing neurological disorder(Chiari Malformation) I wondered if my dreams were dead before they could ever be fully realized? I have been thrust into the throws of depression for the past month or so. I have hidden away from people and social outings. I have wallowed in self pity and sadness. I even turned my back on those things that once gave me joy.  Normally, I try to stay super positive. But lately, I have felt broken and cursed. DAMMIT! I put all of my dreams on the back burner so I could stay home, raise my sons and homeschool. I did this without regret. And if I had to make the decision again, I wouldn't change a thing. So, now that the youngest will be attending a regular high school in the fall, this was supposed to be my time to finally be able to focus on my dreams, not having bi-weekly doctor's appointments and reading medical reports that read like a tragic storyline on Lifetime television.  So often I just felt like collapsing in a pool of tears! And speaking of tears. I haven't even allowed myself to cry. They just don't even fall.  I'M SO ANGRY! Why is this happening to me? Why is my body failing me? Why do I have to deal with these issues? I am supposed to be going into the prime of my life, traveling with my husband, going on auditions, booking roles and doing awesome things, not having to deal with these stupid health issues.

Whew! Glad I finally got that off of my chest.

Now, I don't know why these things are happening to me and it sucks big time! But, I won't let it break me. Yeah, I've been depressed and sad. But, it will pass. Because even though I'm in pain daily, and my body is a bit weaker, my resolve to be an actor is still very strong. I don't believe I have this passion in my heart to just have it die. My life is far from over. My ability to do great work and create amazing things is not done. I might not be able to do any action scenes, but so what?? I don't see Viola Davis diving over any cars! I'm sure she probably could though if she wanted to. What I'm trying to say is this. Yes. From this day forward I may have more limitations. And I may not be able to run any marathons, but I can still act. That hasn't changed. I will travel with my husband. I will go to auditions and books roles and do awesome stuff. And if there ever comes a time where my physical issues severely limit my abilities to act, I will continue to do great work in other areas.  I will become a director, or I will produce what I write. But what I will never do is quit. As I mentioned earlier, my life is not over. It's just different. And as for those unshed tears. I will let them fall. Because tears are natural and I'm not ashamed of my sadness, I just won't let it consume me.

Peace and Love,

“You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.” 
― Maya Angelou

Monday, December 25, 2017

Why I can't make money being a Blogger

Happy December 25th! Apparently, I haven't written a blog post in 11 months which is why I named this post,"Why I can't make money being a blogger. Actually, I never understood how people made money writing blogs anyway so, I just posted from time to time and didn't worry about making money. Anyway, I've obviously been away for a while and no one probably noticed, because I never had that many readers, but still, those that did read my blog, I apologize for disappearing. So much has been going on this year I have a lot to catch you up on. I turned 50! YEP, I reached the half-century mark back in June. I didn't have any type of celebration and I really regret it. I wanted to have a party, but I have been unable to make decisions or really plan anything this entire year. Just, the thought of trying to put something together and invite people freaked me out. So, I spent a quiet evening at home watching HGTV and the Cooking Channel. It's really quite depressing now that I think about it, so let's move on, shall we? I did a commercial with my youngest son. It was an ad for Energizer batteries and we got to play video games together. That was a ton of fun. I also had the privilege of being cast in 2 short films and also a tv pilot. The pilot will be released soon hopefully and one of the short films is on the Festival circuit right now.

Let's see, what else I can tell you. Oh yeah, my formerly homeschooled son went to a regular school this year and has been doing wonderfully! All of us were super nervous about his transition after being homeschooled through his Freshman year, but he had no issues. He is an A/B student that has been able to excel in Chemistry and Music. He is currently played 3 instruments he had never even picked up before. My youngest son was thrilled this year to see himself on the big screen in a short film called, 7vens Law and he also had a national commercial on tv for Lunchables that aired for a few months. He hopes to join his brother next school year.

That leads me to a whole different subject. "Me Time!" I have been homeschooling for about 9 years. So, the thought of actually having 8 hours to myself daily during the week is pretty weird. I mean, I have had moments when I was working on a set that I counted as my time away, but it's really not the same as just being able to go see a movie or have a leisurely lunch or whatever. It's a new realm for me, but I am anxious to see what it feels like. I have even been floating the idea of getting a part-time job and making some "me money." since as I mentioned before haven't figured out how to get more readers and make money writing this blog. But, hey! With no more children at home during the day maybe that's something I can work on. There's more I could talk about, but if I tell you everything now, then more months will pass, I won't blog, you'll forget about get the picture.

So, here's to a joyous end to 2017 and hopefully a very happy start to 2018!

Peace and Love to you and yours.

Saturday, January 21, 2017

A Mommy Mistake

Photo Credit: Law of 
I made a "mom mistake" the other day. While it is certainly not the first one, it was one that I really want to tell you about.  It happened when my very athletic 11-year-old nephew came over for a visit, one day. My son, Ky adores his younger cousin and he was thrilled he was coming to spend the day with us. My nephew walked in looking like a 16-year-old with his basketball gear on and out comes my 12-year-old  excited as always with his penguin pj's on and his Pusheen cat plushy in his arms. In that instant, I was mortified. I was afraid that my nephew would judge his cousin and think he was "soft" because here he was ready to go play basketball later that day and there was my son, smiling with a stuffed animal in his arms. (One of many) But, I quickly realized that I was the only one doing the judging. My husband and I have always raised our sons(especially our two youngest homeschooled sons) to not follow the crowd and to be themselves and not worry about what other people think of how they are. But, all I could think about was if I had made a mistake by allowing my son to still sleep with his stuffed animals. Maybe I should have put them in more sports to make them "harder" or left them in public school to toughen them up. I quickly came to my senses and said, "This is stupid!" I really said that, out loud to myself. My son is amazing! He is talented and kind and loving and one of nicest people I have ever known. Why was I (of all people)wishing that he was someone else? I sat in deep thought for a while and came up with an answer. It boiled down to me not wanted my sons to deal with the rejection that I felt all my life. I was either too short, too fat, too geeky or even as an adult, too much of a homebody. I told myself that, I didn't want that for my son. I wanted him to fit in and have people like him and definitely not judge him for having a large collection of stuffed animals or not knowing the latest slang words or texting girls and wearing orange as much as humanly possible. But, had people really judged me like that or had I judged myself? And was I now doing the same thing to my children?  Ky fits in just fine because he doesn't judge. Himself or others. He is just Ky. Happy, well-adjusted, optimistic, "everyday is my best day", Ky. He is secure in the fact that he loves penguins and the color orange. He doesn't care that he doesn't know any popular dances or hip hop songs.  He isn't concerned with the latest slang words or remotely interested in girls, yet. That last thing about girls brought me back to a recent conversation I had with him about whether he understood what his dad was saying to him when he and his older brother were given, "the talk." I remember Ky answering, "Yeah, I heard him. But I'm twelve and not interested in any of that stuff right now." I think he jumped off my bed and went to go play Minecraft right after that. I laughed at my inner moment of mommy madness. I had done exactly what I hate to see other parents do to their children. But luckily I had only done it in my head, but it was just as damaging. Because in that quick moment I wanted to suggest to my son that he should give up his collection of toys for maybe a football or a basketball. I hadn't allowed the words of judgment to come out of my mouth and harm my son but I had looked at him how thought the world would want to see him and that was wrong.  I watched as my sons played and laughed with their cousin. I felt sad that I had secretly judged him a few hours earlier. But I was proud that he was everything I could ever ask for in a son. I made sure to go take a good long look at myself in the mirror. I promised the person I saw in the reflection that I would never make that mistake again. And that I would also work on not judging myself as well.

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

My purpose, my life

Lately, I have been in a humongous funk. I mean HUGE! Let me tell you why. For as long as I can remember I have wanted to be an actor. But I have never been successful at it. Now let me say that I have had some extremely amazing experiences while working as a background artist, a collaborator on an awesome comedy sketch pilot and as a craft service coordinator for independent films. But, I have never been able to have that opportunity to live out the dream of acting that I play over and over in my head. And because of that, I fell into a depression. In my mind, by this time in my life, I would have had an agent, been doing national commercials, and definitely, have had a speaking role in a television show or movie. But the Universe in its' infinite wisdom and cruel sense of humor obviously has other plans. And mostly those plans include my youngest son getting an agent, doing a national commercial and having a speaking role in a movie. So, while I am thrilled beyond words at my son's accomplishments, I must admit I get a bit sad every time a new month goes by on the calendar, a new gray hair appears in my head and, I see my friends doing all the things I dreamed of doing.

Do I sound a bit (okay a lot) "woe is me-ish?" Well, stick with me, it gets better I promise.

So, I decided to find out what my "purpose" was. Because I will NOT accept the thoughts that I am just be meant to have all of these dreams in my head or acting, to be tortured by them forever. I mean, I am okay with the possibility that I may never be an actor in the grander sense of the word. But I just have to know what I am here on this planet to do. So, I went on my quest (well it was more of a facebook post, a lot of praying and a day spent in my pajamas under a blanket) to find out where I should focus what little energy I had left. First, I made a list of all the things I really love to do. Hmmm? Acting(of course), cooking, writing, animals, and photography. Pretty good list. But could any of these be my purpose?

I mean, I had done this so many times in the past and every time nothing had come of it. Or had it? In the wee hours of the morning January 9th, 2017 (3 a.m to be exact)I got my answer. Turns out I had been living my purpose (and pushing it away) at the same time. There was one thing I had forgotten to put on my "list of loves." I truly love inspiring and encouraging others. I try and post a few original positive quotes here and there from time to time, and I always feel better after I do so. But I was so drawn into my own depression and feelings of inadequacies recently, that I forgot. It took a dear sweet woman in my life to remind me(just a few hours ago) that I had even stopped writing this blog. She told me she always loved my blog and she even said she saved a lot of them. Why had I stopped? I don't know. I mean writing is one of my loves and I really enjoyed blogging.  I think I got so caught up in what wasn't happening for me that I neglected what I already had. So is my purpose in the short time I have on this earth to inspire and encourage others through my writing? I'm not sure. All I know is, it feels amazing when someone tells me that something I wrote touched them or changed their life. It freaks me out a bit too because usually when I post those quotes, I am just trying to encourage myself, and change my own energy.

Anyway, the lesson I learned out of all of this is, your passion may not always be your purpose. But your purpose is definitely attached to your inner strengths and gifts. Tap into them.

I still hope to get that big speaking role one day. But until then, you can find me writing or cooking, or taking a picture of a cat or a flower somewhere. You get the idea.

Peace and Love 

Monday, November 30, 2015

What's Jocelyn Watching?

Seriously? Almost 2 months has passed since I last posted? WOW! Well, I have been pretty busy with my new grandson. That's right, I am a grandma! 
Anyway, I have been watching lots of movies lately. I had the chance to check out; Tomorrowland, Inside Out, The Peanuts Movie and, I Origin.  All totally different movies, but I enjoyed them all. 

Tomorrowland surprised me. I really thought it was going to be super sweet and sappy and stuff, but that was definitely not the case. Not sure why I thought that but,glad I was wrong. The movie is about some very serious topics and I think that Hugh Laurie delivers an extremely awesome monologue in the movie. It was funny,serious and touching as well.  You know I hate to give anything away , just watch it. This movie is rated PG and is  probably more suited to the 11 and older crowd for some mildly violent situations. 

Next up, Inside Out. 
This movie was great! I watched it with my 11 year old son and we both felt everything the main character, Riley was feeling. This movie took you on a rollercoaster ride of emotions,but left you smiling. The animation is awesome (as usual) and the storyline is clear and straightforward.I can see them doing a sequel for this one. Some of the content might be lost on younger children. But,they will love how colorful the characters are. Recommended for 10 and up. Rated PG
The Peanuts Movie
I thought this movie was wonderful. It was really awesome sharing this new Peanuts movie with characters I have loved forever, with my sons. The makers of this movie did an amazing job finding voice actors for the beloved Peanuts characters. It sounded as if they used the same ones from long ago. The story was classic Peanuts with awesome messages of friendship and perseverance. I even found myself with a bit of a lump in my throat at one point during the movie. But, that's not surprising. Lately,the animated movies have been tugging at my heart strings. It was a pleasure watching a true G rated movie, those are a rarity these days. No sneaky adult jokes in this movie at all. How refreshing! Everybody can see this one, and I hope they do. 
Lastly, I Origin.
I saw a poster for this last year and for some reason, I was attracted to it. I finally watched it the other night and it blew me away. I am not really sure I can describe this movie, except to say that it really spoke to me. I Origins is spiritual in a very non-preachy way. It is strange, weird and magical all in the same breath. The story is not predictable at all. The characters are multi-faceted and open minded and it leads the viewer to follow the same path. I will definitely watch this mildly complex piece of sci-fi again, as I am sure I will get even more out of it, the 2nd time around. This movie is rated R for adult situations and brief nudity. 
Well that's all for now. Keep the popcorn poppin'!