Since my illness, my entire thought process has changed. Some might not think it's for the better. But, it is what is it.
I've always been aware of how life can throw you a curveball. We've seen the countless news reports of people that have died on their way to work in car accidents or on vacations or in freak accidents. None of those people knew that was their last day. I'm pretty sure it was their intention to return home to loved ones.
I'm talking about this because I believe most people have an unrealistic belief that we are in control of this thing called, life. We're not! Not at all. Good people, precious babies and innocent children, are taken from us every damn day. My friend, Sally Vering said it best. "The Universe is Raw!" It can be horribly vicious and savagely cruel. Most people want to blame the devil. *insert side-eye here* I call, BS. Some even use the old adage that "everything happens for a reason." This is also BS in my opinion. There is absolutely no reason for babies to be murdered. There is no reason for innocent people to suffer through war and famine. There is no reason for people to get cancer and other horrible illnesses and have their lives stolen from them. Reality is a bitch and there's nothing we can do about it.
People always want to throw the word, FAITH in your face in difficult times. And while I do believe in Faith, I'm pretty sure that the people facing these atrocities and tragedies have or had faith too. I don't knock anyone who uses that to get them through though. Not at all. I am not totally without Faith, myself. Even if this post seems like I am. I still believe in miracles. I just wish we weren't in need of so many of them.
I'm aware that I may seem bitter. I might be. But I also feel like I am seeing 100% clearly for the first time in my life. And while it's not particularly pleasant to feel like this, I feel it's necessary. There was comfort in my naivete. There was an ease in my thoughts that I no longer possess.
I miss it.
My thoughts are now crowded with fear of not returning home to my beautiful family when I make a simple trip to the store. I also worry about my guys. This world is not very kind to our Black males. The questions swirl. Have I taught my sons enough? Do I have the proper things in my will? Will they be okay? Will I be able to grow old with my husband? It's absolutely exhausting to be in my head right now.
I stay in a constant state of anxiety. I have friends who have lost their family members. Their beautiful sons and daughters to gun violence. Friends who lost their spouses and partners too soon. Leaving behind huge holes in the soul that can never be filled again. I know we all have our time on this Earth. I just the playing field was even. We should all have the chance to live our lives fully.
My brother and I lost babies to illness. They should both be here. Getting loved on by their families.
We shouldn't be grieving when their birthdays roll around. We should be celebrating with them.
*Sigh*
I've lost a little bit of my ability to enjoy life. I guess I feel like if I let my guard down, I'll be blindsided again. I know I can't prevent it though. Because of what? We have no control. We can try to do our best but we are still at the mercy of the Universe. Maybe it's the daily pain that I live with, talking right now.
Don't get me wrong. I am not in a dark place.(Not totally) I still see the beauty and marvel at the wonders of this planet. I smile and laugh and have hope. I send out love, light and positive thoughts out into the world daily because I know without a doubt that goodness exists amongst this seemingly endless stream of chaos.
However, the illusion of control is gone. And, I'm changed forever because of that.
I've always been aware of how life can throw you a curveball. We've seen the countless news reports of people that have died on their way to work in car accidents or on vacations or in freak accidents. None of those people knew that was their last day. I'm pretty sure it was their intention to return home to loved ones.
I'm talking about this because I believe most people have an unrealistic belief that we are in control of this thing called, life. We're not! Not at all. Good people, precious babies and innocent children, are taken from us every damn day. My friend, Sally Vering said it best. "The Universe is Raw!" It can be horribly vicious and savagely cruel. Most people want to blame the devil. *insert side-eye here* I call, BS. Some even use the old adage that "everything happens for a reason." This is also BS in my opinion. There is absolutely no reason for babies to be murdered. There is no reason for innocent people to suffer through war and famine. There is no reason for people to get cancer and other horrible illnesses and have their lives stolen from them. Reality is a bitch and there's nothing we can do about it.
People always want to throw the word, FAITH in your face in difficult times. And while I do believe in Faith, I'm pretty sure that the people facing these atrocities and tragedies have or had faith too. I don't knock anyone who uses that to get them through though. Not at all. I am not totally without Faith, myself. Even if this post seems like I am. I still believe in miracles. I just wish we weren't in need of so many of them.
I'm aware that I may seem bitter. I might be. But I also feel like I am seeing 100% clearly for the first time in my life. And while it's not particularly pleasant to feel like this, I feel it's necessary. There was comfort in my naivete. There was an ease in my thoughts that I no longer possess.
I miss it.
My thoughts are now crowded with fear of not returning home to my beautiful family when I make a simple trip to the store. I also worry about my guys. This world is not very kind to our Black males. The questions swirl. Have I taught my sons enough? Do I have the proper things in my will? Will they be okay? Will I be able to grow old with my husband? It's absolutely exhausting to be in my head right now.
I stay in a constant state of anxiety. I have friends who have lost their family members. Their beautiful sons and daughters to gun violence. Friends who lost their spouses and partners too soon. Leaving behind huge holes in the soul that can never be filled again. I know we all have our time on this Earth. I just the playing field was even. We should all have the chance to live our lives fully.
My brother and I lost babies to illness. They should both be here. Getting loved on by their families.
We shouldn't be grieving when their birthdays roll around. We should be celebrating with them.
*Sigh*
I've lost a little bit of my ability to enjoy life. I guess I feel like if I let my guard down, I'll be blindsided again. I know I can't prevent it though. Because of what? We have no control. We can try to do our best but we are still at the mercy of the Universe. Maybe it's the daily pain that I live with, talking right now.
Don't get me wrong. I am not in a dark place.(Not totally) I still see the beauty and marvel at the wonders of this planet. I smile and laugh and have hope. I send out love, light and positive thoughts out into the world daily because I know without a doubt that goodness exists amongst this seemingly endless stream of chaos.
However, the illusion of control is gone. And, I'm changed forever because of that.
