Saturday Morning Thoughts

 

I shall not saddle you with any sad words today. Just some of my Saturday morning thoughts

The seasons have changed in my part of the world. The night comes quicker and the cooler temps have joined it. The hot flash savior weather is how I now describe it. Summer was weird. No outside cookouts in the park. No zoo trips. No festivals or anything of the sort. Time was spent in the backyard, tending the garden and as always for me, running away from the giant grasshoppers and locusts that take up residency amongst my green beans and bell peppers. The garden struggled from the start because of a very cool Spring and a super wet July. A few times we thought nothing would flourish. But, it found a way and blessed us for another year. I spent a lot of this Summer in a very reflective mood. Sometimes that was good, other times not so good. Some of my happiest days were when my husband and sons would gather in the backyard after the sun had gone down, We would stare up at the sky and marvel at the moon and the stars. We saw our first comet and we talked about how we all hoped to visit a dark sky park one day. I'm glad my sons see the beauty in nature. It warms my heart to see them get excited about birds and see them take pictures of flowers and caterpillars. At least I was able to pass that down to them. 

My thoughts change for a moment.

I promised myself I would keep things light today. Because if I wrote all that's been going on in my mind lately......

Anyway, did I ever tell you that I have a beautiful granddaughter? She is 8 months old. My son named her after my daughter who passed away in infancy. Saying my daughter's name again is strange. It brings up so many many emotions. None I care to delve into right now.  I haven't met my granddaughter yet in person because of the covid-19 situation, but we do video chat a few times a week. I place my hand on the screen of my tablet and trace the outline of her face with my finger. I can only wonder what her skin feels like and what she smells like. Sadness tries to creep in, but her beautiful smile pushes it all away. 

I glance out my window and I can see the cold. The sky is gray with just a hint of blue peeking through. The leaves on the trees sway vigorously in the chilly 45° air. I'm reminded that I haven't had my cup of hot tea yet. The birds and squirrels are stuffing their mouths with the seeds from our feeder. The Summer birds have gone. Autumn migration brings new visitors. Or maybe they've been here before and remembered where the food was. A lone red male cardinal sits on the electrical lines that run endlessly up and down our alley. Maybe he is waiting for his turn to grab some food. 

I rest my head in my hands for a moment to try and think of anything else I would like to say. There's a lot. But, again I'm being cautious with my words. 

Today the fear and anxiety won't cripple me. 

Today I will try to leave the house alone and go somewhere(ANYWHERE)

Today I will

Today I 

Today

Today is all we have, so I will make it count. 

Probably by cooking something for my guys because that's me and cooking makes me happy. 

I think to myself, WOW! This blog has changed a million times over the years. I wonder if anyone ever reads it? And if they do, what do they think? 

May you be surrounded in the white light of Love, Peace, and Divine protection

"There is no such thing in anyone's life 
as an unimportant day."

Alexander Woollcott

Forgive me if I ramble

I find myself back here quicker than I expected. Because the words, the thoughts, the emotions.....They keep filling up and overflowing inside of me like a bucket left outside in the rain. There's a lump in my throat that I can't swallow. So much going on in the word, that I can't follow. My thoughts on my sons and their black skin. And how so many are laughing at the pain my people are in. It's beyond sad and writing BLM on a Gucci store window doesn't mean damn thing to me. Because if the mindset and the actions don't change, it's just a waste of paint. I had to delete a few folks off of my FB page. My tolerance for their snide remarks and subtle racist posts is -0. They probably won't even notice.

I don't have a clear direction for this post today, so forgive me if it seems as though I'm rambling. I'm just trying not to lose my mind. I really wanted this to be an amazing year. The year when I would get back to work because I was cancer-free, and my hip was fixed. I wanted and needed so much for things to feel "normal" again. 

WELP! We know how the hell that turned out! I have no direction now. Not sure if opportunities to audition will return. And if they do, I'm not sure I even want to.  Nah, that's not true. I want to act my ass off! I want to walk into a room and blow their freaking minds!! I want to surprise myself. But everything is so uncertain now. And since this virus took over the world I don't know what to do. People say, "Write." I've tried. But my mind can't focus long enough. I'm like a toddler who's attention span lasts about 30 seconds. I'm sure my husband has noticed how scattered I've been lately. Bless his heart for just letting me try and work it all out. These blog posts are the only thing I've been able to actually complete.

The news, the social sites, the tv. It's so damn depressing. I walk barefoot in the garden to try and ground myself. Eyes closed, breathing in deeply, exhaling all the negativity that bombards my spirit unrelentingly.

I'm weary.
I'm worried.

The final scene in the movie, Powder flashes through my mind. When he takes off his shirt and runs through a field during an incoming storm. In a flash of lightning, he's gone. his energy transformed. He is finally free. I want to feel like that.

FREE!

Then a news brief comes across my screen and I'm reminded that I'm not. I'm here. Stuck on this chaotic rock. Where people hate one another because they look different, love different, worship different etc, etc, etc....

I turn my focus to the ones I love. Not just family. Friends too. We're all feeling it. In one way or another, 2020 has slapped the crap out of all of us. We persevere. Some cry, some pray, some get super busy, some retreat in their quiet place. But, we keep going. And thankfully amongst the madness, some really good stuff happens too. But, that's life in a nutshell, isn't it?

Anyway, I guess I'm done for today. It's almost noon and I'm already in need of a nap. I send you love, peace, and hope for the light to outshine the darkness in this world.

We can say 'Peace on Earth,' we can sing about it, preach about it or pray about it, but if we have not internalized the mythology to make it happen inside us, then it will not be.

-Betty Shabazz

Take 2

Let's try this again. Earlier I typed out the longest blog I had written up to date and just as I was about to finish, it deleted. That really upset me, but I took it in stride(kinda). Glad it wasn't my thesis or something really important like that. It has been months since I've written because it's just been a crazy time and I have difficulty formulating complete thoughts when I feel stressed.

Anyway, in my previous blog, I was talking about how all of the recent events since February have really affected me. I had a hip replacement which I was terrified to have but it turned out okay. I had to do rehab on my own after the deadly covid19 virus took hold and I lost some very dear neighbors to that virus. Everything closed including schools and that meant my highschool Senior didn't get to have his prom, luncheon, or regular graduation. Which really made me extremely sad. But he was okay and he did get to have a modified ceremony that was nice.

Then on top of all of that, racial injustices reared its ugly head again unlike I've ever seen in my lifetime. And the series of events set off a powder keg that literally set the world on fire. I talked about how all of what's been happening made me feel sad, angry, confused, frightened, and a bit broken down. I've been talking about it bit on Facebook, but what I really wanted to do was scream. I found myself very tense and wanting to lash out at certain people. Then, my friend, Odessa Frey sent me a message earlier that brought tears to my eyes. I won't go into the details, but I will say that it was absolutely beautiful and it was just what I needed at this time when I'm seeing some of my Caucasian "friends" stay silent on the HUGE issue of racism in America. Their silence speaks volumes and while that hurts to see, it helps my resolve to focus on the continued fight against racism and for equality with those friends that aren't afraid to speak out about White privilege, the systematic racism that this country was built on and the struggles my people face every single day. They aren't afraid to say that Black Lives Matter because they know that doesn't mean that their lives mean less. They aren't afraid to challenge their racist neighbors, family members, or even look deeper into themselves to see where they can grow to be not just against racism, but Anti-racist! That's a whole different level.

So, I said a lot in my last blog, but I think that earlier post was probably just so I could really get some things off my chest that I have been holding on to. I needed to pound on this keyboard and write the words I've wanted to yell out loud. I've been "staying strong and quiet" for so long I've forgotten that sometimes that pressure needs to be released before one explodes. I guess sometimes I'm just afraid that if I let it go, the emotions will overwhelm me. If I cried for everything that has hurt me to my core or made me sad lately, the tears would never stop. So today I wrote a blog post. And then it got deleted. And for a moment I was defeated. But a friend lifted me with her words, so here I am. Writing again. Different than before but still something I needed to say.

And with that, (and several presses on the "save" key) I finish off this blog post with a quote:

“It is insufficient to only tell your children that racism and racists are bad. It is insufficient to simply explain “We love people of all colors.” It is lazy and near damaging to proclaim a love for all people but never make the leap of actually reaching out to people of color or adding tangible diversity to your life. In a world filled with empty rhetoric, our children don’t need to hear words from us without action.
They need to see us embody the beliefs we claim to hold dear.”
― Bellamy Shoffner

Peace and Love Dear Ones

It's been a minute

I have thought about writing so many times, but my thoughts have truly been scattered for several months. SO much has been going that I just could never settle myself to write. It has been quite some time since I last wrote, so I will fill you in on what's happened since then. I traveled to Arizona for the 1st time. It had been on my list of places to visit and it became even more imperative for me to visit when my son and his fiance moved there a year ago and let us know they were expecting a child. However, I didn't go out there just for a casual visit. I went to see the doctors at the Mayo Clinic. I had been having tons of trouble with my left leg since 2014. I had seen countless doctors and been tested for numerous ailments that ranged from MS to Paget's Disease. I never did get the answer I was seeking. All they know is that for some unknown reason I developed sclerotic lesions on my hip bone and I now need a hip replacement. While we were there,  I did enjoy seeing my oldest son and the sites of Arizona. We took a road trip to Sedona and I got to cross something off my 'to-do" list. I've always been drawn to Sedona and didn't know why. Now I do. It is truly a magical place. We hope to take our sons there soon, so they can have that experience.

 Another surgery was definitely not what I wanted to deal with. Especially since I am still dealing with the after-effects of my lumpectomy and lymph node dissection. But, I know I need it my hip fixed. Just praying it will be successful and that I will be pain-free, finally!

Also, some good news! I celebrated my 1-year cancer-free anniversary on January 31st! I feel pretty good. Still dealing with the neuropathy in my feet and mild lymphedema in my breast, but they said I would have a "new normal" and this is mine. I still have the hot flashes from hell several times and day and insomnia, but I'm just happy to still be here, around my husband and sons.

Because of my hip/leg situation, I haven't been able to get back to auditioning like I want to. I've done a few small projects, but I'm limited due to my lack of mobility. It's been hard. Very hard at times But, it is has given me the chance to sit back and really think about what I would like to do in the near future.

I know I will always love acting and have some goals I want to meet. But, I wouldn't mind working in other capacities in my industry. I used to do craft services and I loved it. I would also maybe like to work for the Film office. I think that would be amazing! We have so many great projects coming to our city.

Time will tell. Right now, I'm just trying to keep my thoughts positive and set on getting this hip of mine back in working order. I will try not to wait so long to write again.

Peace and Love, everyone!