I've wanted to make a new post for weeks now. But, I have really been going through a lot. I just finished 21 radiation treatments a week ago Signaling the end of all of my cancer treatments. It has been quite an ordeal, to say the least. When I began this journey I had no idea what it would entail. It has shaken me to my core. I had hoped that when I finished chemo, had my surgery and radiation was done and I was deemed, cancer-free that I would feel like my old self again. My happiness would return, I would feel alive and be ready to hit the ground running.
That has not been the case. Not even close.
I've actually been dealing with a lot of anxiety, depression, anger, and sadness. I've never dealt with it before, but I'm pretty sure I have some form of PTSD. Being diagnosed with metastatic cancer was terrifying on its own. But add on being infused with poison for 4 months, having an invasive surgery and then irradiated and burned to the mix. There were no positive exclamations from doctors celebrating my accomplishments. Although, I did get a hug and a certificate of completion from the radiation technician where I had my treatments. I walked out of doors free from treatments but wondering who the hell I was now.
I look in the mirror and I don't know her. She looks familiar, but so different as well. My hair is growing back quickly. But, it is a totally different texture and color. Radiation darkened my skin and chemo (and stress) aged me. I smile at her, but there's a sadness in her eyes that comes from her soul.
I find myself getting angry. I don't lash out at people or anything like that. But, I feel it building up inside of me at random times. I am angry that any of this happened. I am angry that cancer exists and that now I am forever on guard that it might return. A cellular grenade was placed inside my body and it detonated, leaving me to search for the remaining pieces of my life to try and piece back together.
A lot of people (myself included) had no idea what going through cancer treatments would mean and how it forever affects the body. I didn't know that I would be left with permanent nerve damage from the chemo and surgery. Or that I would be dealing with round the clock pain and severe burns from the radiation. I feel like I have been beaten and tortured and then just set free to deal with the aftermath.
I hesitated to even share this. But, I needed to get this out. In hopes that you will understand what some cancer patients really go through. And to hopefully help myself to begin to heal mentally, spiritually and physically.
Now, just to clear things up. I am in no way just wallowing in sadness and depression. Yes, I do have depression and sadness and anxiety. But, I still smile every day. Because I am thankful beyond measure for the life I still have. For my family and amazing friends. For the blessings that I received even during this incredibly difficult time in my life. And for the hope that I can channel all of these feelings and put them to good use somehow.
It's been a rough 8 months since my initial diagnosis. But I'm here. I'm not who I used to be, but I'm interested in finding out who this new Jocelyn is. I think that once I get to know her, we'll do amazing things together.
