My Journey With Cancer-Step 3 Chemo Begins

Hubby Cutting My Hair

I've been wanting to update the blog, but I really had to get my head right. This entire experience has taken me through so many different emotions as you can imagine. The first for me was disbelief. Then came fear. Then depression set in Big Time.  I have a good friend and a cousin that fought cancer and being able to vent to them has been invaluable. They never let me sink. Along with my amazing husband, who is absolutely my rock and some other friends and family members, I know that I am absolutely not alone and I am very loved.


After we went to the conference with the doctors, they set up a chemo class with the nurse practitioner. I elected to go to the class alone. I needed to spend some time and let everything set in. I wasn't prepared to be presented with a huge binder. It was very overwhelming to read about all of the medicines and side-effects. I choked back the tears for most of the class. I got my temporary handicap placard and the dates for my chemo was set. NOW it was real!


Two days before chemo, I got my head shaved. I decided I would rather shave it than watch it all fall out. It was such a crazy experience. I thought I would be sad, but I wasn't at all. It actually felt quite good. It did make my youngest son really sad though. It finally hit him that this was all really happening.

1 day before chemo, We just stayed home. I hadn't slept well the night before and was utterly exhausted. However, I wasn't as nervous as I thought I would be. I was actually ready to get started.


Chemo Day!! I managed to get some really good sleep overnight. Paul and I even hit our snooze buttons a few times.
We got to the hospital at 6:30am to check in. Used the handicapped placard to get a "good parking space."
 We were taken straight up to the out-patient surgery floor, where they would surgically implant a port in my chest where future blood draws would be given and where future blood draws would be taken. The surgery took about 2 hours. When I woke up in recovery, the pain that hit me was, whoo!! My arm and chest were on fire. They immediately gave me some pain meds and by the time I got dressed and brought up to the cancer center, the was thankfully subsiding. I was taken to one of the pods to relax and meet my nurse. She explained everything that I would experience during my time there. It was a really comfortable experience. First up was all of the anti-nausea drugs. I asked why there were so many of them. The explained that they work very hard to make sure that patients don't get nauseous and don't vomit. My particular chemo regimen is going to last for 4 months. I will do a cycle of 2 separate meds for the first 4 weeks and then only 1 med for the last four weeks. I also have an auto-injectable med that they attach after chemo. It activates 27 hours after my treatments. It is to help prevent my white blood cell count from falling to a dangerous level. The side effect is bone pain. But of course, they made sure I had pain meds on hand if it's unbearable for me. 

I didn't feel any discomfort after my treatments. And, I even felt good enough to go shopping afterward. Sleeping was kind of rough because of the surgery. This morning I was up to see the boys off to school and that made me happy. I ate well, rested a lot and even felt up to having a few visitors. My mood is great, my outlook is even greater. I believe I will beat this. I pray, meditate, and just talk to the Creator. This journey and fight are going to be a long one, but I'm up for the challenge. I'm disappointed that my acting in on hold, but its just temporary. And just because I'm not able to act right now, doesn't mind I can't continue to write my stories and work on scripts. I even told my agent that if she gets a breakdown for a cancer patient, I'm perfect for the job!

So, I'm doing okay. I have been so overwhelmed (in a good way) by all of the good thought, wishes and prayers sent my way.  My next treatment is October 11th.

Peace and Love, good people.

Not sure if you can see the "bump" in my chest
but that's where the port is. The white bandage is
where they went in. 

My Journey with cancer-Step 2 (Info and More Tests)

I really didn't want to write today. I really just wanted to come home and pull the covers over my head and cry. Today was my chemotherapy class. I was presented with this giant binder full of information about all the medications I would be taking, all of the side effects and the rest of that good stuff. I choked back the tears for an hour because I needed to hear all that the nurse was presenting. I sat there in that fog again. Trying to make sense of all of this. How could this be happening? I really have cancer. Dammit!!

I also learned that my particular type of cancer is aggressive and that my treatment is a bit limited. Another day, another gut punch. I managed to ask what I needed to ask and I made sure I didn't leave there not understanding what I needed to know.  After that appointment, I had an echocardiogram. This is basically an ultrasound of the heart. I had to have one to make sure that my heart is strong enough to tolerate the chemo. Apparently one of the drugs used for my 1st round of therapy can sometimes affect the heart. Echo came out fine, so I am on track to begin my treatment next Thursday. Terrified doesn't describe how I feel right now.  I have noticed that I don't mind writing about all of this, but I am beginning to hate talking about it. It just seems to annoy me now. Everything seems to annoy me. I know it's just because of the anxiety  I'm feeling. If you know me, you know that I LOVE to talk. But, not lately. All of this has done a number on my psyche. It's just temporary. I'm working on it.

As long as I could remember, I've always loved butterflies.  Yesterday, I was saying to myself that right now, I feel like I am going into the chrysalis stage. That's the stage where the caterpillar goes into its' cocoon for a spell to complete the metamorphosis. My cousin, Gail referenced butterflies today when she spoke about a women's cancer group she is part of.  It was a validation for me. I feel like this is going to be a quiet period for me. Very introspective. Just going to take it one day at a time though and be kind to myself. I think some new comfy pajamas are in my future. 

My Journey With Cancer-Step 1

Thank you to everyone that read and/or shared my first blog post about my cancer diagnosis. I promised to keep the updates coming. Here's the first one.  Today has been a roller coaster of emotions. This has been happening a lot lately. I go from laughing to feeling anxious, to anger, to wanting to burst into tears.  I woke up to the news that a friend and co-worker of my husband had passed away. He had drowned. That was not the way to start my day. But, I got myself together because today was the conference with the doctors.  I noticed that I was pretty stressed out when I got off the elevator at the hospital. It's something about stepping off and seeing the words: CANCER CENTER. I instantly got a bit angry. I shouldn't have to be here. Nobody should have to be here. I looked at all of the other patients and sadness took over. I don't know any of their stories, but somehow they intertwine with mine because we all have cancer. That still sounds so weird to me to say out loud. I felt annoyed that I have to go through this. It's not fair that cancer even exists and comes in and turns your entire life upside down. I took a deep breath and waited until they called my name. I went into the room and sat, alone. A very kind med student came in. I was asked a million questions about my health and then given a quick examination. The physician that will be handling my case came in later.

Next came the conference. My husband and mother joined me in a conference room to meet with the doctors that will be treating me. We sat at a small round table with paper to take notes. I looked out of the window not wanting to meet eyes with anyone for a moment. I just wanted to wish it all away.  The doctor came in and explained what my treatment plan would be. We would start with tests to make sure my heart was strong enough for the chemo. Chemo could start as early as next week and would continue for 4 months. I was told that it will make me sick right after and for a few days after that. That's hard to swallow. I look fine and I feel fine right now. And in order for me to be cured, I have to become sick. That makes no sense to me. but lately, nothing makes much sense. For the chemo, they will place a port under my skin to make it easier to access my veins for the treatments. Really not looking forward to that. They also let me know my hair will fall out by the 2nd treatment. That was pretty hard to hear. But, it's only hair, right? Yeah right. I just got my hair the way I like it and now I am going to be bald. For the Winter! In Chicago!  I tell myself that at least I can get away with wearing some pretty groovy hats though. Surgery will come later, closer to the end of my treatments. The hope is that the chemo will shrink the cancer cells in my lymph nodes so they won't have to remove so many. Because that could cause me to develop lymphedema, which is a painful swelling of the lymph nodes that would also affect my left arm. And wouldn't you know it, I'm left-handed.  All of this is still pretty surreal. People keep telling me to stay strong and keep up my spirits. But, right now I don't feel strong. My spirits are not up and I just want to get on a plane and go somewhere really quiet and beautiful. I am thankful for all of the wonderful words of support and love I've received. This is just a pretty rough time for me. Tomorrow I have to have a "chemo class." That is where I get all the info about the effects of the chemo and the meds I'll be given to counteract those effects. It's a lot to take in. But, I have to be ready because next week, it begins.

Peace and Love
Jocelyn

The Fight For My Life

In late July, I noticed a lump in my left armpit. It didn't hurt, it was just there. I wondered if I had an abscess, or just a swollen lymph node. Another week went by and it hadn't changed. I decided it was time I let a doctor check it out. I was overdue for my yearly physical so I made an appointment at the new hospital I had recently started going to with a doctor I was referred to by the central scheduling operator. My mother always tells me I'm hard on doctors. But, that's only because most of them have totally dismissed me and sent me on my way unrelieved. That was not the case with this doctor. I believe God sent me to this woman. She is comforting, kind and thorough. She did my physical and then felt the node. I could tell she thought it was more than just a swollen node. She made me an appointment to have a mammogram the very next day and made sure she sent me to see a breast specialist. I went in, had the mammogram and the radiologist also decided to do an ultrasound on the node while I was there. Turns out it wasn't just one node. There were three nodes and they were alarmingly big. My heart sunk.  My thoughts immediately went to cancer. But, I had been told that my mammogram was clear.  And, during the ultrasound, the doctor said that some auto-immune diseases could cause enlarged lymph nodes so not to worry. I breathed a sigh of relief because my rheumatologist had been testing me to see if I had a rare auto-immune disease due to some unrelated issues. Still, a biopsy was suggested. I was a bit nervous, but I went home sure that my swollen nodes were from some weird auto-immune disease. On Sept. 4th after dropping off my teenage sons for their first day of school, I received the call that has changed my life forever. The results were in. I heard the doctor say that the news wasn't good. I had Metastatic carcinoma. WHAT!? How the heck could I have cancer? And how had it spread already? My mammogram was clear! What the heck was going on? My head was swimming. I felt panic come over me. My heart was beating out of my chest. I felt like I would fall to the ground. I quickly gained my composure long enough to tell my husband that our biggest fear was hitting us right in the face. My composure didn't last long. I cried, he cried. We just held each other for a while and tried to make sense of the devastating news.  I received a second call a short time after. The hospital needed me to come in for a special breast MRI that night. They needed to find the origin of the cancer because this was the only way they could find out how to fight it. They knew it wasn't lymphoma, so it had to have started somewhere and as weird as it may sound, they were hoping it was in my breast.  I went in that night for the MRI and the following day for a breast ultrasound. I stared at the screen willing it to still be clear. But there it was. A mass hidden deep in the milk duct of my left breast, unable to be seen on the mammogram of which I had had two of.  A breast biopsy would confirm, Invasive ductal carcinoma with metastasis. Also known as, Metastatic Breast Cancer. I was given a PET scan to look for any other cancer in my body. Luckily, there was none. You'll notice I haven't mentioned what Stage it is. That's not an oversight. People tend to either lift you up or pity you depending on what Stage cancer you have. It's like if you have stage 1 or 2 they smile and say, glad they caught it early you'll be fine. But, don't let it be the dreaded stage 3 and God forbid it's stage 4 because then like you see on tv, the smiles disappear and they just pat you on the shoulder and tell you they will "pray for you." I'm partially kidding. Don't get me wrong. I believe prayers are welcome for any stage of cancer, it's just the "way" they say it. Like they don't truly believe you can really be cured. All kidding aside.  I'm extremely thankful for each and every prayer, good thought, and all the positive, healing energy being sent my way. They truly do lift me up. Those that have known about this diagnosis have only been positive and have brought me out of a few days of depression. I know that prayer along with lots of humor and laughter will carry me through the coming days. One other thing is, I now notice every single commercial for cancer drugs on television and I cringe at the list of side-effects that they mention at the end. Talk about an instant anxiety attack. I've now started watching the tv with my hand on the mute button, just in case one comes on.

Since my diagnosis less than 2 weeks ago, I have gone through so many emotions. I am angry. I feel like my body is cursed. I already have a neurological condition (Chiari Malformation) and severe osteoarthritis in my hips. Now cancer on top of all that?? I feel sad. I feel scared. I feel like Loki on the Avengers and Hulk just keeps slamming me into the ground, picking me up and slamming me again, nonstop. I have been waiting for the moment when my boys were in high school so I could finally concentrate on my acting career. I finally got representation from a talent agency in March of this year and I was so excited to fully work on my dreams of being a full-time actor. I feel cheated out of that chance. I've gone on a few auditions since my diagnosis, but I haven't booked any jobs. My head just hasn't been where it needs to be. No matter how much I try, all I can think about is this damn cancer. I know my dreams are just on hold for a while, but it still really hurts. People will tell you to think positively and to guard your spirit. But honestly, I just want to scream and cry and hit something with a bat. I didn't even mention how hard it was to tell my mother, brother, sister and especially our sons about my diagnosis. I feel bad that they have to deal with this. My boy's focus should be on school and work, not stressing about what's happening with me. And my sweet husband. He's been through so much with me and my illnesses. This just seems so unfair.

I just want to see my teens grow up. I want to be here when they graduate high school and college. I want to see them get married and have children of their own. I want to watch my 3 year old grandson grow up and go to high school, college, and beyond. I want to see my two adult sons get their dream jobs, or open a business, get married, find their first gray hairs, have 1st children, have more children so I can tease them about how they were as babies. I want to grow old with my husband. I want to book amazing acting jobs and see my dreams realized. I WANT TO LIVE!

On Sept. 17th, I will meet with the cancer team and see what the plan is for my treatment.They say it could be a combination of chemotherapy, radiation and surgery.  I've been told I can be cured. I wish I could be 100% sure of this. I've seen too many people, friends and family, alike not beat their bouts with cancer. My dad and sister in law being two of them. I am thankful that I have an amazing support system. I am thankful that I have doctors that didn't dismiss my enlarged node. I am hopeful that I will beat this. I am terrified of chemotherapy, but I am in survival mode and will do what I need to do to be cancer free. I'm sure when I post this, I will get a million suggestions on what to eat, and what to drink and if I'm sure I want to do chemo and blah blah blah, blah blah etc.... I know it will all come from a place of love and concern. But, if it will give me the best chance to live and beat this, hell yeah I'm doing it!!

I plan to blog about my journey.  I hope you will join me.

I have cancer, but I am not cancer. I hope people realize that. I'm still me. I'm still a wife, mom, grandmother, daughter, sister, auntie, niece, cousin, friend, actor, writer, nature photographer, gardener, and dreamer and more.

I'm Jocelyn A Board-Dorsey
Future cancer Survivor

#CancerSucks