Sharing my life with you, is what I do.

Sunday, February 15, 2015

My Illusion of Happiness

  I was thinking this morning about what would happen if I was finally able to move away from Chicago. I have always had it in my mind that if only I was in a place where it never snowed and the temps were warm all year round, I would be immensely happy. And of course, because I live in a warm climate, I definitely have to be at least 60 lbs lighter. Then there's no way I couldn't be happy. I mean, who couldn't be happy being thin and living where the sun always shines? And now that I am skinny, have a nice tan from my new zipcode, success is going to fall into my lap. Because I have truly never seen an overweight, unsuccessful, depressed person that lived in California, Arizona, Florida or anywhere else that is warm and tropical. It just can't happen, can it?

   Think I'm crazy yet? Well, don't sign the commitment papers yet. This is truly how part of me thought. I figured that my happiness lay in getting the heck out of Chicago, the Midwest. Hell, maybe even the entire United States. As I write this, I am looking out my dining room window, watching the snow fall. Again. It is quite beautiful. I have no desire to go out and take a walk in it. And, I truly wish that it would all be melted, be 75 degrees tomorrow and every day after that. But, since it's not, I have to be happy with what I have right now. And that is a reasonably warm house and an awesome window to see the snow falling.

   A lot of people tell me that I inspire them with my upbeat outlook on life and my positive attitude. Truth is, that's not really me. Not that I don't believe what I say, because I do 100%. I just have trouble applying it to my own life. And, while I do try to stay positive and have an upbeat outlook, I spend a lot of time being angry, depressed and downright resentful at times. And somehow I always seem to gravitate to the thoughts of, "If I could just get out of Chicago. If I could just be thinner. If someone could just give me an acting role or a great paying opportunity, then...."

  I learned today just how full of shit I can be sometimes. I resented my husband for making me stay in Chicago this long. I have told him over and over again how it was never my intention to stay here this long. And because of his job, that has strict residency rules, I was stuck in this horrible city and it was all his fault that I wasn't able to pursue my dreams. I am pretty sure I actually said those exact words to him. And, if I didn't, I sure as hell made him feel like that. And That's Sucks!

  Truth is. My husband has an wonderful job! He is an Engineer for the Chicago Fire Department. I am very proud of the work he does and the man that he is today. That job of his that has me stuck, has allowed us to purchase a home. Gives me the freedom to not have to work and stay home with and raise our sons. It has not stopped me from pursuing any of my dreams. I did that all on my own.

   I let a "victim" attitude stop me. I said to myself, "He made me stay here, so I can't be successful. This cold weather keeps me indoors so I can't get outside to walk and lose weight. There aren't any opportunities for me here in Chicago, I need to be in L.A. or Atlanta." All those are lies I have told myself  for far too long, They made me into the person that I finally saw today. And I was so sorry for her. I gave up on my dreams. I told myself I couldn't achieve them. I didn't feel good enough, thin enough, worthy enough. And, I blamed my husband and my location on me not getting up and following after my passions. I blamed everything and everyone, when it was really my being too afraid to make a mistake that I became a prisoner in my own head.

   I happened to be watching Oprah's OWN station and happened across her Super Soul Sunday shows and one I had never seen called, In Deep Shift . For whatever reason, I watched that network for 5 hours straight. Now, A lot of the stuff I heard today, I have heard many times before. And, it made sense to me. But, today was the 1st time it really resonated through every fiber of my being. I felt this grief come over me because I realized that over 20 years ago, I allowed myself  to stop living my life. I did lots of  amazing things, but I never let myself really go after my dreams. I threw myself into "wifedom" and motherhood. Not that, that was bad in anyway. But, I told myself that I was sacrificing everything for them and I wasn't getting anything in return. How selfish is that? I have been richly blessed. My life has been full of wonderful experiences and opportunities. And, I adore being a wife and mother. I have said all this before, how did I forget?

   I didn't forget. I think part of me just used my unhappiness with myself and twisted it to feed my feelings of inadequacy.Well, I am praying that after the life lessons I learned today, I can truly move forward. I still have a lot of work to do on myself, but I finally saw me and the harm I was doing. Damn! That was sobering. I apologize to my husband for making him feel like that. But, mostly I apologize to myself for holding my own self back. For letting me think so poorly of myself at times, that I forgot that I have a purpose in life. And that until I fix me, it doesn't matter where I live. Artic Chicago or Sunny California. Happiness and Acceptance have to start within.