My Journey with cancer-Step 2 (Info and More Tests)

I really didn't want to write today. I really just wanted to come home and pull the covers over my head and cry. Today was my chemotherapy class. I was presented with this giant binder full of information about all the medications I would be taking, all of the side effects and the rest of that good stuff. I choked back the tears for an hour because I needed to hear all that the nurse was presenting. I sat there in that fog again. Trying to make sense of all of this. How could this be happening? I really have cancer. Dammit!!

I also learned that my particular type of cancer is aggressive and that my treatment is a bit limited. Another day, another gut punch. I managed to ask what I needed to ask and I made sure I didn't leave there not understanding what I needed to know.  After that appointment, I had an echocardiogram. This is basically an ultrasound of the heart. I had to have one to make sure that my heart is strong enough to tolerate the chemo. Apparently one of the drugs used for my 1st round of therapy can sometimes affect the heart. Echo came out fine, so I am on track to begin my treatment next Thursday. Terrified doesn't describe how I feel right now.  I have noticed that I don't mind writing about all of this, but I am beginning to hate talking about it. It just seems to annoy me now. Everything seems to annoy me. I know it's just because of the anxiety  I'm feeling. If you know me, you know that I LOVE to talk. But, not lately. All of this has done a number on my psyche. It's just temporary. I'm working on it.

As long as I could remember, I've always loved butterflies.  Yesterday, I was saying to myself that right now, I feel like I am going into the chrysalis stage. That's the stage where the caterpillar goes into its' cocoon for a spell to complete the metamorphosis. My cousin, Gail referenced butterflies today when she spoke about a women's cancer group she is part of.  It was a validation for me. I feel like this is going to be a quiet period for me. Very introspective. Just going to take it one day at a time though and be kind to myself. I think some new comfy pajamas are in my future.