Thank you to everyone that read and/or shared my first blog post about my cancer diagnosis. I promised to keep the updates coming. Here's the first one. Today has been a roller coaster of emotions. This has been happening a lot lately. I go from laughing to feeling anxious, to anger, to wanting to burst into tears. I woke up to the news that a friend and co-worker of my husband had passed away. He had drowned. That was not the way to start my day. But, I got myself together because today was the conference with the doctors. I noticed that I was pretty stressed out when I got off the elevator at the hospital. It's something about stepping off and seeing the words: CANCER CENTER. I instantly got a bit angry. I shouldn't have to be here. Nobody should have to be here. I looked at all of the other patients and sadness took over. I don't know any of their stories, but somehow they intertwine with mine because we all have cancer. That still sounds so weird to me to say out loud. I felt annoyed that I have to go through this. It's not fair that cancer even exists and comes in and turns your entire life upside down. I took a deep breath and waited until they called my name. I went into the room and sat, alone. A very kind med student came in. I was asked a million questions about my health and then given a quick examination. The physician that will be handling my case came in later.
Next came the conference. My husband and mother joined me in a conference room to meet with the doctors that will be treating me. We sat at a small round table with paper to take notes. I looked out of the window not wanting to meet eyes with anyone for a moment. I just wanted to wish it all away. The doctor came in and explained what my treatment plan would be. We would start with tests to make sure my heart was strong enough for the chemo. Chemo could start as early as next week and would continue for 4 months. I was told that it will make me sick right after and for a few days after that. That's hard to swallow. I look fine and I feel fine right now. And in order for me to be cured, I have to become sick. That makes no sense to me. but lately, nothing makes much sense. For the chemo, they will place a port under my skin to make it easier to access my veins for the treatments. Really not looking forward to that. They also let me know my hair will fall out by the 2nd treatment. That was pretty hard to hear. But, it's only hair, right? Yeah right. I just got my hair the way I like it and now I am going to be bald. For the Winter! In Chicago! I tell myself that at least I can get away with wearing some pretty groovy hats though. Surgery will come later, closer to the end of my treatments. The hope is that the chemo will shrink the cancer cells in my lymph nodes so they won't have to remove so many. Because that could cause me to develop lymphedema, which is a painful swelling of the lymph nodes that would also affect my left arm. And wouldn't you know it, I'm left-handed. All of this is still pretty surreal. People keep telling me to stay strong and keep up my spirits. But, right now I don't feel strong. My spirits are not up and I just want to get on a plane and go somewhere really quiet and beautiful. I am thankful for all of the wonderful words of support and love I've received. This is just a pretty rough time for me. Tomorrow I have to have a "chemo class." That is where I get all the info about the effects of the chemo and the meds I'll be given to counteract those effects. It's a lot to take in. But, I have to be ready because next week, it begins.
Peace and Love
Jocelyn
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