I have been having a hard time since my boys went back to school. Don't get me wrong, I am enjoying the hours of quiet during the week.I go shopping and I have time to write the blog in the day time, I even took a Zumba exercise class for the 1st time yesterday. It is just that I realized that I truly have nothing to fall back on. I have spent the past 17 years being a housewife and mother. I have loved being able to be home with my children all of this time. Watching them grow and being here for them has been a wonderful blessing. But, I forgot something while I was doing that. I forgot to take care of myself and cultivate my dreams. I put everything into the boys. Making sure they had what they needed to instill in them a sense of pride and always telling that they could achieve anything and everything. I should have been telling myself the same thing. I find myself so lost lately. Not knowing what to do next with my own life. So many people say, "take a class". I have thought about it, but I don't know if this is something I really want to do. I can't think of anything I want to take a class in. My mom always wanted me to go to college. I thought of it several times, but I know that it would be to make her happy and not for me. "So, what is it you want to do?", others say to me. I have been thinking about this a lot recently. And the answer is, "I DON"T KNOW." I don't have a clue. Whenever I feel like this, my first inclination is to go away. Take a trip by myself and get away from it all, but I remember a saying one of friends always has on her facebook page. It reads: "wherever you go, there you are." That rings so true to me right now because I have to fix myself where I am right now or wherever I go, the problems will follow. Because, the problem is that I have to find my self-worth. I need to feel like my life matters. That I am worthy of living some of my dreams too.That I am so much more than a wife and mother. I have had glimpses of my authentic self from time to time. I have liked that person. I just to need to find her again and give her permission to live.
I took the above picture a few years back. It started a journey for me to find beauty in many places. I need to start that journey over, from within this time. Peace and Love