Sharing my life with you, is what I do.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

BLOG! Darn it. BLOG!!!!

That's how I feel a lot of mornings. I want to blog and share stuff with everyone, but I am really feeling out of sync. Maybe it's the constant chaos of the kids, house, grades, car troubles, bills etc... And on top of all that, we have construction going on right next door to my house Monday-Saturday starting at 7:00 a.m. And this is no simple home renovation, let me tell you. This is a full blown, knocking out concrete walls, jack hammer, power saw, valium needing construction job! But, I digress.

I do have something to share with you. I think I may be in the middle of a mid-life crisis. This year, (God willing) I will be 45 years old. I have been wondering exactly which direction to go in now with my life. I have lots of interests and I even have a few talents. I just can't seem to make up my mind as to what I should be doing.

Maybe I don't have to do just one thing. I mean, I have never been the type of person that just focused on one thing. I always have a million things going on in my head at one time. I guess that's why I forget to write  the blog. There are days when I write everyday, and then POOF! Nothing for a month or so. I do have to remember though that I started writing the blog as a form or relaxation. I think I get caught up in reading all the other blogs out there and seeing what they are doing that I lose my focus. I just do want to be so scattered all the time. I want to be able to have an answer when people ask me what I do.

There's that word again. (FOCUS) Let me pause a moment and take a breath.....

My thoughts are all over the place and I will start to ramble on if I don't just take a minute. I think I need to regroup and figure out just what it is I actually want. I do know that I have always wanted to act and I help kids. I think about it everyday. People say, "Go to school. Be a teacher." I never wanted to do that. O still don't I think of doing it, but I more for them than myself.  I always wanted to be artsy and creative and hang out with groovy people. (yeah, I said groovy) I always envisioned myself traveling the world, speaking at least eight different languages and taking the money I had earned from acting to open up youth centers or something like that. Places where kids could go after-school and feel safe, get help with homework. The kind of place where they could take an acting, art, music, dance class or just know there was someone there they could talk too.

Sometimes, I get sad because it feels like I won't be able to do that.I mean, honestly there aren't too many 45 year old black women getting discovered in Chicago and going to Hollywood. But, the sadness goes away when I realize that even though I may never get that big movie role, I may be able to help someone else live their dreams. I start with my kids. They are a lot like me. ( not sure if that is bad or good yet) They have a lot of talents and dreams, but they have no idea what they want to do yet and that is okay. Even though colleges are bombarding my 16 year old with brochures about his future as a mechanical engineer. I secretly hope he decides to follow his dreams of living in Italy and designing cars. Even if that means he doesn't go to college. I just want them all to be happy.

I have no desire to live my life through my sons though. Their lives are their own. I want them to be able know that it's okay to not know it all and to keep rediscovering themselves in the process.

Hmm? I think I just had a "light bulb moment".(don't tell Oprah I used her phrase). Turning 45 doesn't mean I have to have it all figured out. I am still in the process of discovering who I am too.I can still dream and hope and learn new things about myself. I guess that's what life is. At least for me anyway.

I close out the blog today feeling much better than when I started it.

I remember the words to a song that I call my "theme song".
It is called,  UNWRITTEN by Natasha Bedingfield

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Yep! And that's just fine with me. Peace and Love ♥

1 comment:

  1. "...I think I get caught up in reading all the other blogs out there and seeing what they are doing that I lose my focus."

    I think we ALL do that and it's okay....

    As long as you
    - leave a comment on the blog post
    - like it
    - tweet it

    then get inspired to do some more blogging