After the storms, the sun Returns

If you read my last post, then you know how incredibly sad I was. Now, part of me actually wanted to delete that post because I was so down at the time. But, when I started writing about my cancer journey, I promised that I would be completely honest. Even, if that meant sometimes I might seem like an unstable, on the verge of a major breakdown person. I also kept the post up to show that people have those "hill and valley" moments. That's normal. I don't know anyone that is happy and jovial all the time. Life just isn't like that. Not mine anyway.

Since my last post, the dark clouds looming over me have cleared. My mood is much better and I'm no longer profoundly sad. I still searching for my purpose, but I'm not obsessing over it. I am concentrating more on living in the moment. That's not easy for me. I am a classic over-thinker. I am one of those people that creates scenarios in my head and then my imagination runs off with them causing my nervous system to react as if they have actually happened when they haven't. I blame this on being a writer and actor. I am currently working on this with the help of my acupuncture therapist. She has given me some great tolls when my mind starts "roaming." I also find it helps to pick up my journal and just start writing.  I'm not 100% where I want to be. I still battle with depression and anxiety as I have since I was a child. But, I am learning better ways to not let those down days drag on into down weeks. 

Anyway, I just wanted to jump on quickly and thank those that are still reading my blog. It hasn't always been easy to be so transparent with my life and the ups and downs that come along with being me. But, it has been rewarding to have people tell me that they appreciate my candor. 

So, today I am hopeful that ultimately, I will find my place in this world. Until then, I will keep trying. That's all any of us really can ever do. 

Thanks for reading

Peace and Love, good people

On The Subject of Purpose

Today I want to discuss, PURPOSE. Specifically, my purpose. Even before I was diagnosed with cancer I wondered what my purpose was. What am I supposed to be doing while on this earth? I didn't know then and I still don't know. I'm sure for a while it was to try and be the best wife and mom I could be. I made it my point to concentrate on them and help guide them through the maze of childhood and adolescence. Now, that 2 are adults and the younger two are teens, they still need guidance, but of course, it's different. For so many years I've prayed that one day I would get that "Aha Moment." The light bulb would turn on in my brain and I would know without a doubt what my purpose was. Yet, at the age of 52, it still eludes me.

I homeschooled my two youngest sons throughout their elementary school years, only taking a "break" for one year when they were in 4th and 2nd grade. It was always my hope that one day when they went to highschool whether it be homeschool or a brick and mortar building, I could focus more on my acting career. As much as I enjoyed having them home and being their learning coach, I was ready to finally be able to work on some of the dreams and desires that I had put on the back burner when I became a full-time wife, mother, and homemaker.

In March of 2018, I saw a dream realized. I got an agent! I was so thrilled because that meant that I could finally go on auditions for the shows, movies, and commercials that come through Chicago. I knew that my younger sons would both be attending high school away from home and it would be my turn after all these years of being a stay at home mom.  Well, in a cruel twist of irony, after dropping them off for their first day of school, September 4th, 2018, I returned home to a phone call from the hospital. I was told that I had triple-negative invasive ductal carcinoma with metastasis to the lymph nodes. In the blink of an eye, I had become the poster child for Alanis Morrisette's song, Ironic.

With my hands shaking and my voice quivering, I remember my calling my agent. I've wondered for so long why I called her first. But, I believe it was because I felt like my dreams died with that cancer. And she was the one that was connected to that dream. I also had an audition the next day and I didn't know if I should go. I was so discombobulated. I ended up going to that audition and even getting a call back, but things were moving so fast with all the testing and hospital appointments, I wasn't able to go......Dreams Crushed.

During my treatments, I wondered so many times, WHY? Why would I be given this dream if I wouldn't be able to see it realized? But I told myself that it wasn't a defeat, it was just a delay. I was encouraged when during the course of my cancer treatments, I booked a national commercial for Walgreens. I was so very thankful for it because it was an amazing experience and it helped pay for my mounting medical bills. However, in the back of my mind, I was hurt because I wasn't acting. And that is what I wanted to be doing. I had managed to book a dream job, but it was only because I had cancer.

Moving months ahead. The cancer treatments are over, I'm in remission, my hair is growing back and I'm thinking, this 2019 audition season I'm going to be ready! I made my list of goals I wanted to accomplish and I put them out into the universe. I tell myself I can deal with the discomfort from the neuropathy in my feet and the pain and swelling from the lymphedema in my arm and left breast. Surely my PURPOSE ( not sure I'm using the correct word at this point anymore) and my passion will make room for me. Acting! That has to be it! Because I think about it every single day.

Cue that damn Alanis Morrisette song, again!
While I was going through all of my testing I had a PET scan. It's like a giant intensive CT scan of your entire body that looks for cancer. Well, my PET scan uncovered something that wasn't cancer but answered a question that had plagued me for 5 years. In 2014, I started having trouble with my left leg. No one could figure out what the problem was. The diagnosis ranged from severe osteoarthritis to lupus, MS and one time they even thought it might be bone cancer. They had ruled out Paget's disease of bone, an incurable degenerative disease that destroys your bones because I was too young and it usually occurs on both sides simultaneously. Well, the PET scan says I'm not too young and my body continues to be a medical anomaly. I still have to see more doctors for the official diagnosis, but every time I go to see a new doctor they look at my chart and say, "Oh, I see you have paget's disease." So, that's a pretty good indication.

So after waiting for so long to start "living" my life, I get cancer. I beat cancer, then I find out my bones are degenerating. I had actually forgotten about my leg issues for a while because, during my cancer treatments, and up until about 2 months ago, I had absolutely no pain in my legs. I see this as a mercy. But my doctor says it's probably the result of being on heavy steroids during my chemo. Well, the steroids are all out of my system and the pain, unfortunately, has returned.

 I have now reached a crossroads where I have to rethink absolutely everything. And I have to face the possibility that my PURPOSE in life may never truly be realized. At least not the purpose I wanted.

I have the leading part in a role I never wanted to play.

I am profoundly sad.

Honestly, I feel like I let a lot of people down. I know I didn't cause my health issues. I couldn't have prevented any of them. But, now I have to learn how to live with it and the limitations that those issues place on my life and my future. We canceled our family vacation this year because of me and my inability to be on my legs for an extended amount of time. I won't be able to devote the time I wanted to acting because of my health. And I am faced with leaving my talent agency because I'm no good to them if I can't book jobs.

My soul is crushed.

So, now what?

I really don't know.

I'm sure after I publish this, people will have all sorts of nifty ideas for what my next steps should be.
But truthfully, I just want to be left with my thoughts for a while. I have a ton to process and right now I can only muster the strength to deal with things my own thoughts.
I remain thankful for every single day.

Maybe my PURPOSE is to find the silver lining in the chaos that is my life or help others tie their passion to their purpose. And if that's true. Then that will have to be good enough for me.

Peace and Love, good people. 

The Illusion of Control

Since my illness, my entire thought process has changed. Some might not think it's for the better. But, it is what is it.

I've always been aware of how life can throw you a curveball. We've seen the countless news reports of people that have died on their way to work in car accidents or on vacations or in freak accidents. None of those people knew that was their last day. I'm pretty sure it was their intention to return home to loved ones.

I'm talking about this because I believe most people have an unrealistic belief that we are in control of this thing called, life. We're not! Not at all. Good people, precious babies and innocent children, are taken from us every damn day. My friend, Sally Vering said it best. "The Universe is Raw!" It can be horribly vicious and savagely cruel. Most people want to blame the devil. *insert side-eye here* I call, BS. Some even use the old adage that "everything happens for a reason." This is also BS in my opinion. There is absolutely no reason for babies to be murdered. There is no reason for innocent people to suffer through war and famine. There is no reason for people to get cancer and other horrible illnesses and have their lives stolen from them. Reality is a bitch and there's nothing we can do about it.

People always want to throw the word, FAITH in your face in difficult times. And while I do believe in Faith, I'm pretty sure that the people facing these atrocities and tragedies have or had faith too. I don't knock anyone who uses that to get them through though. Not at all. I am not totally without Faith, myself. Even if this post seems like I am. I still believe in miracles. I just wish we weren't in need of so many of them.

I'm aware that I may seem bitter. I might be. But I also feel like I am seeing 100% clearly for the first time in my life. And while it's not particularly pleasant to feel like this, I feel it's necessary. There was comfort in my naivete. There was an ease in my thoughts that I no longer possess.

I miss it.

My thoughts are now crowded with fear of not returning home to my beautiful family when I make a simple trip to the store. I also worry about my guys. This world is not very kind to our Black males. The questions swirl. Have I taught my sons enough? Do I have the proper things in my will? Will they be okay? Will I be able to grow old with my husband? It's absolutely exhausting to be in my head right now.

 I stay in a constant state of anxiety. I have friends who have lost their family members. Their beautiful sons and daughters to gun violence. Friends who lost their spouses and partners too soon.  Leaving behind huge holes in the soul that can never be filled again. I know we all have our time on this Earth. I just the playing field was even. We should all have the chance to live our lives fully.

My brother and I lost babies to illness. They should both be here. Getting loved on by their families.
We shouldn't be grieving when their birthdays roll around. We should be celebrating with them.

*Sigh*

I've lost a little bit of my ability to enjoy life. I guess I feel like if I let my guard down, I'll be blindsided again. I know I can't prevent it though. Because of what? We have no control. We can try to do our best but we are still at the mercy of the Universe. Maybe it's the daily pain that I live with, talking right now.

Don't get me wrong. I am not in a dark place.(Not totally) I still see the beauty and marvel at the wonders of this planet. I smile and laugh and have hope. I send out love, light and positive thoughts out into the world daily because I know without a doubt that goodness exists amongst this seemingly endless stream of chaos.

However, the illusion of control is gone. And, I'm changed forever because of that.

One Journey Ends, Another Begins

I've wanted to make a new post for weeks now. But, I have really been going through a lot. I just finished 21 radiation treatments a week ago Signaling the end of all of my cancer treatments. It has been quite an ordeal, to say the least. When I began this journey I had no idea what it would entail. It has shaken me to my core. I had hoped that when I finished chemo, had my surgery and radiation was done and I was deemed, cancer-free that I would feel like my old self again. My happiness would return, I would feel alive and be ready to hit the ground running.

That has not been the case. Not even close.

I've actually been dealing with a lot of anxiety, depression, anger, and sadness. I've never dealt with it before, but I'm pretty sure I have some form of PTSD. Being diagnosed with metastatic cancer was terrifying on its own. But add on being infused with poison for 4 months, having an invasive surgery and then irradiated and burned to the mix. There were no positive exclamations from doctors celebrating my accomplishments. Although, I did get a hug and a certificate of completion from the radiation technician where I had my treatments. I walked out of doors free from treatments but wondering who the hell I was now.

I look in the mirror and I don't know her. She looks familiar, but so different as well. My hair is growing back quickly. But, it is a totally different texture and color. Radiation darkened my skin and chemo (and stress) aged me. I smile at her, but there's a sadness in her eyes that comes from her soul.

I find myself getting angry. I don't lash out at people or anything like that. But, I feel it building up inside of me at random times. I am angry that any of this happened. I  am angry that cancer exists and that now I am forever on guard that it might return. A cellular grenade was placed inside my body and it detonated, leaving me to search for the remaining pieces of my life to try and piece back together.

A lot of people (myself included) had no idea what going through cancer treatments would mean and how it forever affects the body. I didn't know that I would be left with permanent nerve damage from the chemo and surgery. Or that I would be dealing with round the clock pain and severe burns from the radiation. I feel like I have been beaten and tortured and then just set free to deal with the aftermath.

I hesitated to even share this. But, I needed to get this out. In hopes that you will understand what some cancer patients really go through. And to hopefully help myself to begin to heal mentally, spiritually and physically.

Now, just to clear things up. I am in no way just wallowing in sadness and depression. Yes, I do have depression and sadness and anxiety. But, I still smile every day. Because I am thankful beyond measure for the life I still have. For my family and amazing friends. For the blessings that I received even during this incredibly difficult time in my life. And for the hope that I can channel all of these feelings and put them to good use somehow.

It's been a rough 8 months since my initial diagnosis. But I'm here. I'm not who I used to be, but I'm interested in finding out who this new Jocelyn is. I think that once I get to know her, we'll do amazing things together.

My Journey With Cancer- We Did It!

For those that have been following my ups and downs as I battled with cancer, I have some good news. I am cancer-free! I really hoped for more fanfare from my doctors when I reached this amazing milestone. I practically had to pull the news from them. This left me feeling hesitant to celebrate. They were very nonchalant in letting me know that I was cancer-free. But they were quick in offering more treatments even though the cancer is gone. I guess they were just doing their jobs, but it made me frightened that they already expect the cancer to return. I know that's where their training takes them.

But, I'm not claiming that one bit!

I still have 6 weeks of radiation to face, but I am taking the time until I start those treatments to enjoy being free from hospitals and doctors for a few weeks. My surgery was a little more extensive than I had hoped. They ended up removing 12 lymph nodes from under my arm. This has left me with nerve and muscle pain and also very tight ligaments. They will get better with time and exercise to loosen up those ligaments. I am also at a high-risk to develop lymphedema, now. I was really panicked about that before, but I've released all of that worry. I will deal with that if and when I need to.

I told my doctor the other day that even though the cancer is gone, I still feel so bad. You see, in my mind when the chemo was over, my energy would return, the neuropathy would be gone and all would be like it was pre-cancer. That is definitely not the case. She informed me that the effects of chemo can take at least a year to subside and somethings like neuropathy, the "chemo brain" and these darn hot flashes can take up to 5 years or more to resolve, if ever. I have to admit this was something else I was getting sad about, but I can't let these obstacles keep me from moving forward. I'm thankful to be alive and I am believing that my body will totally heal. My focus now is on eating healthy, building up my strength and staying cancer-free.

I'm sending love and healing thoughts to my friends that are still fighting. And I am thinking about my high school classmate, Alfreda Bass who sadly passed away a few days ago after a very long fight. We last spoke in October. She told me then that there was no cure for her. I still prayed that somehow she would survive. She was such a calm and gentle spirit. I wish that I had gotten to know her better.

"When the world pushes you to your knees, you are in the perfect position to pray."
~Rumi 

My Journey With Cancer-Part 2: Surgery

 I started writing this post a couple of weeks ago. But, I stopped because my thoughts were all over the place. I knew I needed to take a moment and get myself together. I've been through a lot in the past couple of weeks. Today I finally feel up to writing again, so I trashed the last one and started over.

 I finished chemo a month ago, but right away I had to get ready mentally and physically for surgery. I wasn't actually successful at doing either. I had hoped I would be able to catch my breath for a moment, but there were blood tests to take, I had to have these things called "saviscouts" injected into my breast and lymph nodes to mark where my surgery would be and make it easier for the surgeon to operate in the correct place. The procedures were more annoying than painful. I'm just tired of hospitals and needles.

 As tired as I am of needles and doctors, I still had to report to the hospital on one of the coldest days in history at 5:30 in the morning. My doctor called me the day before and gave me the option to postpone it until the weather broke, but I just wanted to get it over with.  We were brought into the pre-op room right away. Hospital gown put on, and an IV inserted. Eight needles injected into my breast delivering lidocaine and radioactive dye. My husband right by my side trying to put on a brave face so my nervousness wouldn't increase. Me doing the same for him. Smiling and cracking a few jokes to lighten the mood. Technicians, nurses and doctors in and out of the room asking questions regarding my previous surgeries. Telling us the risks and all the formalities. "Have you ever had a problem with anesthesia?" "Do you have any implants or loose teeth?" "Has anyone in your family ever had trouble waking up from anesthesia?" I heard and answered each question, but my mind was still a million miles away. I felt like I was on auto-pilot.

 My doctor had explained to me that I was having a lumpectomy and a Sentinel node biopsy. The sentinel node biopsy is what I was most nervous about. They would make an incision under my arm where the swollen nodes were. Remove between one and test it. If there were no cancer cells present, that would be all they would remove. But, if cancer cells were still present, they would remove a cluster of the surrounding lymph nodes. I was hoping to have the simpler surgery because the more lymph nodes they remove the higher the percentage that I can develop lymphedema. Lymphedema is a life-long condition where fluid collects in the soft tissues causing pain and swelling. Unfortunately, cancer cells were still present so I had to have the more extensive surgery.

 I was pretty crushed when I woke to a drain sticking out from under my arm. I knew that meant more lymph nodes had to be removed. My arm is sore and numb at the same time. The drain will remain in place for a week. I'm praying that somehow I won't develop lymphedema because that could really affect my future. Not to mention the fact that I am left handed and my surgery was on my left side.

 I've actually been pretty down about it, but I can't change it. I can't anything that has happened. God knows I wish I had never gotten cancer and had to deal with any of this. This is so hard. My body aches from the surgery and I'm not sure how long they will allow me to heal before radiation starts. I have to admit that this is causing me a ton of anxiety. I have to endure six weeks of daily radiation and I've read that radiation around the lymph nodes actually raises the chances of lymphedema. I'm also not jazzed about the burn I will receive on my already newly scarred up body. I feel like my body has been invaded by a parasitic host and I am just a slave to it now. I have to do whatever they tell me to rid it from my body, but I'm feeling so battered, broken and weak. A permanent lump in my throat holding back the primal scream inside.

I WANT MY BODY BACK! I WANT MY LIFE BACK!

 I'm still getting those "pat on the back, hang in there, you'll be fine messages" from people. I love the encouragement but it also makes me want to scream.  Believe me, I know they mean well and truly wish the best for me. I'm just frustrated, bitter and angry about the whole situation. The phrase, "cancer sucks" is too soft. There isn't a phrase around that can honestly convey how I feel about cancer.

 For me, cancer has taken me to the very edge. It has unmercifully slammed my body repeatedly against the floors, ceilings and the walls. It holds my throat closed as I try and cry out. It tries to snatch away my future. It is the first time I have encountered pure evil. Even as I try to explain, I can't formulate the proper words to describe what this experience has truly been like for me.

 Through it all I still find many more moments to smile and laugh than cry. I can only attribute this to the Grace of God. I find myself just being thankful for birds and raindrops. Some of my family and friends have been such an amazing support to me. I know I've said that before but I truly could not have made it this far without them.

 As I finish up this post, I take a deep breath and then another. My journey toward healing continues. I ask for your continued prayers of strength. I thank you for accompanying me this far.

I wish you Peace and Love,

Jocelyn

My Journey With Cancer-Chemo is Done!

It's not always easy, but smiling helps!

On January 3rd, I finished my 8 rounds of chemo. That was a very rough experience. But, the amazing nurses in the cancer center helped make my time there, bearable. Part of me felt like, "Okay chemo is done, time to feel back to normal again." I knew that wasn't going to happen, but I really hoped it would. I actually do feel better. I still have neuropathy in my hands and feet, the hot flashes still plague me and my energy is still so so. But, I was able to fix dinner for my family 3 times last week and I don't nap in the middle of the day as much anymore. So, thankfully there are improvements. I even went on an audition. (with an IV in my arm!) I still have surgery and radiation to face soon. And while I'm nervous about both, I feel very optimistic. I still have those moments when I look in the mirror at my bald head and missing eyebrows in disbelief at the fact that I have cancer. I then realize it has only been 4 months since my life was turned upside down by the diagnosis. It has been a non-stop crazy roller-coaster ride since January 4th. But with the help of my family and some really special friends, I made it through something I never thought I would even have to face.

I was talking to a friend of mine today telling her how the things I always thought I wanted to do, don't excite me anymore. I know they say that cancer changes you, but I didn't expect to feel the way I do now. She reminded me that I am going through a lot right now and how I feel today could change after I get through all of this.  I sometimes wonder who I'll be after I crush cancer. I wonder if I will still want to act. Or, if I'll concentrate on writing or cooking or something totally different. Will I be more of an introvert or will I want to get out there and see all that life has to offer? I don't know. And that's okay. Right now I just need to focus on healing. So that's what I'm going to do. Those things will work themselves out in time. My priority now is my health.

I send prayers and blessings to all those dealing with cancer and other serious illnesses.
May you find Peace amongst the chaos.


"Healing takes time.  Despite great advances in medicine, the biggest
part of your recovery is attributable to the enormous healing power
inside you.  The body heals itself according to its
own timetable--anxious thoughts never hasten recuperation."

Criswell Freeman

My Journey With Cancer-Part 1 Almost Done

Hi everyone. I haven't posted since my 5th chemo treatment. I must admit I was pretty rocked by it. Throughout this entire process so far, that was the worst I have ever felt. Thankfully, treatments #6 and #7 went much better. The only thing negative thing I am continually dealing with is neuropathy in my hands and feet. That definitely isn't pleasant. I have one treatment left and I am really ready to be done. Physically besides hair loss, chemo has affected my energy level, my appetite, my skin, my ability to sleep through the night and my overall strength. Chemo has also thrown my body into menopause. I didn't mind that so much since I was headed in that direction already, but I could have done without the extra intense hot flashes and horrible night sweats. I am hoping those side effects leave sooner rather than later. Emotionally, I'm all over the place. I still have a ton of stress. I believe it's because of the uncertainty of all of this. I'm pretty sure I've said this before, but I have been gobsmacked by all of this and it's not over. I still have surgery and several weeks of daily radiation to face. (God help me)

One thing I do know for sure. Having this affliction has caused me to be patient.  I can't rush any of this. No matter how much I wish I could. It's like being a prisoner in your own body. That causes great frustration at times, but I just have to deal with it. I have been wholeheartedly embraced by strangers and ignored by some in my own family. I have discovered that I have put a lot of energy into people that would never do the same for me. Hard, painful lessons but totally necessary for when I am cancer-free. I have heard that when I get through this, I won't be the same. I've already seen part of the metamorphosis. There are relationships that will forever be changed. There are new friendships that have been made that have been a blessing. They have taught me that when one door closes a new one really does open. I am thankful for that. I have also learned that I have to be truthful about my feelings. I have to take care of myself. I have to say no, when I mean no and not feel bad about it(still working on that.) I have to protect my spirit and my energy. But, I also have to remember to not go too far inward and reach out and pull others up when I can. My introverted tendencies have only gotten worse since my diagnosis, so I have to watch that habit of wanting to shut myself in for extended periods of time. Although, if there was ever a time to do that, this is it.

Enough about me.

Being that this is the first day of the New Year, I must send you well-wishes for the upcoming 365. It is my sincerest hope that this is the best year yet for all of us. May you be filled with love, hope, peace and most of all, Good Health.