I started writing this post a couple of weeks ago. But, I stopped because my thoughts were all over the place. I knew I needed to take a moment and get myself together. I've been through a lot in the past couple of weeks. Today I finally feel up to writing again, so I trashed the last one and started over.
I finished chemo a month ago, but right away I had to get ready mentally and physically for surgery. I wasn't actually successful at doing either. I had hoped I would be able to catch my breath for a moment, but there were blood tests to take, I had to have these things called "saviscouts" injected into my breast and lymph nodes to mark where my surgery would be and make it easier for the surgeon to operate in the correct place. The procedures were more annoying than painful. I'm just tired of hospitals and needles.
As tired as I am of needles and doctors, I still had to report to the hospital on one of the coldest days in history at 5:30 in the morning. My doctor called me the day before and gave me the option to postpone it until the weather broke, but I just wanted to get it over with. We were brought into the pre-op room right away. Hospital gown put on, and an IV inserted. Eight needles injected into my breast delivering lidocaine and radioactive dye. My husband right by my side trying to put on a brave face so my nervousness wouldn't increase. Me doing the same for him. Smiling and cracking a few jokes to lighten the mood. Technicians, nurses and doctors in and out of the room asking questions regarding my previous surgeries. Telling us the risks and all the formalities. "Have you ever had a problem with anesthesia?" "Do you have any implants or loose teeth?" "Has anyone in your family ever had trouble waking up from anesthesia?" I heard and answered each question, but my mind was still a million miles away. I felt like I was on auto-pilot.
My doctor had explained to me that I was having a lumpectomy and a Sentinel node biopsy. The sentinel node biopsy is what I was most nervous about. They would make an incision under my arm where the swollen nodes were. Remove between one and test it. If there were no cancer cells present, that would be all they would remove. But, if cancer cells were still present, they would remove a cluster of the surrounding lymph nodes. I was hoping to have the simpler surgery because the more lymph nodes they remove the higher the percentage that I can develop lymphedema. Lymphedema is a life-long condition where fluid collects in the soft tissues causing pain and swelling. Unfortunately, cancer cells were still present so I had to have the more extensive surgery.
I was pretty crushed when I woke to a drain sticking out from under my arm. I knew that meant more lymph nodes had to be removed. My arm is sore and numb at the same time. The drain will remain in place for a week. I'm praying that somehow I won't develop lymphedema because that could really affect my future. Not to mention the fact that I am left handed and my surgery was on my left side.
I've actually been pretty down about it, but I can't change it. I can't anything that has happened. God knows I wish I had never gotten cancer and had to deal with any of this. This is so hard. My body aches from the surgery and I'm not sure how long they will allow me to heal before radiation starts. I have to admit that this is causing me a ton of anxiety. I have to endure six weeks of daily radiation and I've read that radiation around the lymph nodes actually raises the chances of lymphedema. I'm also not jazzed about the burn I will receive on my already newly scarred up body. I feel like my body has been invaded by a parasitic host and I am just a slave to it now. I have to do whatever they tell me to rid it from my body, but I'm feeling so battered, broken and weak. A permanent lump in my throat holding back the primal scream inside.
I WANT MY BODY BACK! I WANT MY LIFE BACK!
I'm still getting those "pat on the back, hang in there, you'll be fine messages" from people. I love the encouragement but it also makes me want to scream. Believe me, I know they mean well and truly wish the best for me. I'm just frustrated, bitter and angry about the whole situation. The phrase, "cancer sucks" is too soft. There isn't a phrase around that can honestly convey how I feel about cancer.
For me, cancer has taken me to the very edge. It has unmercifully slammed my body repeatedly against the floors, ceilings and the walls. It holds my throat closed as I try and cry out. It tries to snatch away my future. It is the first time I have encountered pure evil. Even as I try to explain, I can't formulate the proper words to describe what this experience has truly been like for me.
Through it all I still find many more moments to smile and laugh than cry. I can only attribute this to the Grace of God. I find myself just being thankful for birds and raindrops. Some of my family and friends have been such an amazing support to me. I know I've said that before but I truly could not have made it this far without them.
As I finish up this post, I take a deep breath and then another. My journey toward healing continues. I ask for your continued prayers of strength. I thank you for accompanying me this far.
I wish you Peace and Love,
Jocelyn
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