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I am so thankful that I not only wrote but published and let others read my last post. I could have simply written and deleted it or written and left it as a draft. But, it was important and imperative that I write it and let others read it. Because we don't share the ugly enough. Especially as women. I was thinking about the day I found out that I have cancer. My husband and I had just dropped our teens off for their 1st day of school and returned home. I was expecting a call with my results, but I wasn't expecting to be told that I had cancer. Let alone cancer that had already spread. I immediately went into "mom mode." I wanted to make sure everyone else was okay. My husband, my mom, my siblings and especially my children. I was even trying to figure out what to make for dinner that evening. And from that moment until I wrote that post a few days ago, I had been in go mode. Even though I thought I was handling the stress of my diagnosis and all that, I wasn't. I started having daily headaches, chest pains and finally lower back pains that felt like someone was tying my back muscles in painful knots and pulling them tighter and tighter. Every time my heart beat my entire body would hurt. That made me realize that I really wasn't dealing with my stress at all. I had to let it out. Crying wasn't doing it. I had to face every truthful feeling I had suppressed and release them.
A lot of us, men and women alike are taught to not complain. Because that would make us seem ungrateful and we should never seem ungrateful because we have to much to be thankful for. Well, we do have a lot to be thankful for. But, we also are humans that live in a chaotic world where insane things can happen in the blink of an eye. We are also taught to be "Strong." I hear that word a lot. People tell me I am strong all the time. So, with my current situation, I fixated on that. People call me strong, they expect me to be strong so I have to be strong. Well, let me tell you something. Being "strong" almost took your girl out. For real. If I had not recognized what was happening to me and released all that I was holding on to.......I don't even like to think about it.
I worried about sounding too negative in my last post. I even edited it at least 4 times so I wouldn't seem ungrateful. You see what I mean?? I was more worried about what other people would think of my rant. Worried that I might offend someone. I was about to DIE from stress!! But I was still over here worrying about seeming like I wasn't thankful.
Well, I am thankful. Every single day. Even on the sucky days. And I am doubly thankful that I followed my extremely stressed out mind and wrote my rant post because guess what? I haven't had a headache or a chest pain since. And, my back stopped hurting. It was as if a 50 pound weight was lifted from my spirit.
I released that negativity from myself. I spoke the words that a lot of people feel but won't say. I saved myself that day. I really believe that. This journey is changing me. And it has only just begun.
I will tell you this. If you see me and you ask me how I feel, be ready for an honest answer. If you don't want to know, don't ask. Because I'm not holding back anymore. I can't afford to.
Peace and Love.
P.S. I have embraced the Pink Ribbons again! I fight with them and for them!! #BreastCancerAwareness
“Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it.”
―Ann Landers
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