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I lamented about even writing this post. But, when I started it, people commented that they admired my honesty. So, today's post is just that. How I feel, TODAY!
Today I feel angry. Actually, angry is too mild.
I'M PISSED!
Yes! Pissed is a much much better way to describe how I feel. I am pissed that I have cancer! I am pissed that I have to wonder every day if I can really be cured. I am pissed that my family has to worry about me. I am pissed that the sight of pink ribbons now makes me sick! I say this after I bought 12 pairs of Breast cancer awareness socks that are really cute. I know this my repulsion won't always be the case . This is just so new and still unbelievable to me. I ask God daily to Bless all the amazing women fighting this horrible horrible dis-ease. And God Bless the survivors!! I am pissed that I have to put my life on hold AGAIN! I am pissed that some people are afraid to talk to me or they look at me as the "cancer lady and feel they have to handle me with super soft fuzzy pink mittens. I am pissed that my body is scarred from my port surgery and that it will have even more scars after my surgery in January. I am pissed that my one of my sons cried at school during his lunch period because he worries about me. (and getting straight A's.) I am pissed that I may not be here to plant my garden in the Spring.
I am pissed that I may carry a cancer gene that I have passed down to my sons. I am pissed that I worry daily about if my husband will find me attractive if I have to have both of my breasts removed. He says, of course, he will. But I am pissed that I worry so much about that. I am pissed that a family member was told not to mention my cancer to others like it's some kind of contagious plague passed on by word of mouth! I am pissed that the chemo I take to hopefully survive could irreparably damage my heart! I am pissed that the type of breast cancer I have is more difficult to cure. I am pissed that people keep sending me posts about cancer. (even though I know they are coming from a place of love and care)
I am pissed that when I say how much I want to get back to acting, people say, "Just write!" I don't want to just write. I want to act! I've been writing my entire life! Would you tell a chef who lost their hands to just eat?? (I know they also mean well, but writing is not the same as acting. At least not to me.) I am pissed at the commercials that remind me that metastatic breast cancer is "relentless." Do they know how that makes people with this damn condition feel? It makes me feel horrible!!! And even quadruply(made up word??) worse when the medicine they offer can't even be offered to me. I am pissed that I had no idea just how many people on my father's side actually had cancer because nobody talks about it! I am pissed with the people that when they find out I have cancer give me a chipper, "Oh, you'll be just fine!" (I know they mean well. I am starting to believe that this is more for them than me)
*Pause for several deep cleansing breaths*
I am pissed that I don't know if my family will ever be able to take another vacation because my medical bills will be ridiculous even with insurance.
I am pissed that I wonder if I will be able to celebrate my mother's next birthday, my next birthday, my son's birthday in June. My 25th wedding anniversary next July, or my son's high school graduation and all the other awesome dates that end in 2019 and beyond. Now, I know that I was never promised to see any of those days, but this hanging over me, just makes it stressful. I am pissed that I have doubts. I am pissed that I've wondered if God will answer Yes to my prayers to beat this disease.
I AM PISSED THAT CANCER EXISTS!!!
*sigh*
I am thankful to the amazing people that have reached out to me. That have offered a ride, a prayer, sent a card, called to check on me, sent a message. Or that have made me laugh really hard! (Kevin Joseph, I love you! 😉)
I am thankful to my cousin, Gail who has been a shoulder to cry on years before this and remains such a calming force in my life, even though she keeps inviting to me breast cancer stuff that I'm not ready to deal with yet. (Feelings are still a bit raw, cousin)
My journey has just begun. And, I am sure that I will continue to have a range of emotions. However, the one I really hope to share with you all is the one of jubilation when I am deemed "cancer free."
If you've made it to the end of this post. Thank you for reading my rant. I feel so much better now.
*But I'm still pissed I even had to write a post like this*
Peace and Love
“I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars.”
―
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