Sharing my life with you, is what I do.

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Just thinking.......

So, I am having one of those "quiet moments". No tv, radio, video games or anything. Just silence and the occasional passing car and chirping birds. These moments are heaven to me. I am just one of those people that doesn't have to be doing something. I REALLY like being alone. And I don't have to be out shopping or going to a movie either. Just me, in my house, being quiet is fine. I am not anti-social in the least. It is just the way I am. I love people. I love listening to people, talking to them and being around them. But I value my alone time. And being a full-time homemaker and homeschooling mom, I don't get much alone time at all.

Sometimes I get a feeling of sadness when I see people with lots of friends hanging out, laughing and smiling. Part of me always wanted to have that.  I have always known tons of people, but I never had a group of girlfriends or even close friends that I hung out with. Not sure why it never happened, it just didn't. I used to think that maybe people didn't really like me, that they were just pretending. You know how people call you their friend, but never ever include you in anything they do. Or they say after the fact, "I should have called you." It seemed to me that their exclusion of me, was them letting me know how they really felt. WOW! I must have felt like this a long time. hmm? I guess I never have felt like I fit in. You know? I wanted to fit in and I tried really hard, but I always felt stupid when I did that. Even though embracing and loving myself for who I am, has left me feeling alone and excluded for most of my life, it is still better than pretending to be someone I'm not. So I learned how to enjoy just being with myself. No pretending going on there. I do have some awesome people around me though; my husband, my sons, my brother and my mom. And, a few family members and people that I know and love beyond kinship/friendship. I may not talk to them a lot or even hang out with them. But, if they ever needed me I would be there for them and I believe they would do the same for me.

That raises the question,
"Who am I?" I am just a pretty simple person with big dreams, and lots of insecurities doing the best I can with what I have. I am sensitive, empathetic, caring, but cautious. I am curious, creative, talented, but a bit shy. I don't like to brag or be boastful. I would however like to be dynamic at something and I would like to be recognized for it. Just keeping it real with you.

Moving on:
As long as I can remember I have wanted to act. But, I don't actively go out on auditions and I have gotten the courage up to get and agent. I believe I have the talent to get tons of jobs, but I still hold back due to fear.Maybe it is fear of success. Maybe it is a fear of rejection. Not sure, but I am working on it. Because more than anything, I want to an actor. And not just a good actor, A GREAT actor! SO, in order to actively live my dreams, I need to cast off the fears and stop being passively patient! I have things to do!!

Oh well, enough about me. I am going to take advantage of this quiet time and catch up on some sleep. Nap time is sacred.

Peace and Love, family. 

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