A Moment of Transparency

It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop.

--Confucius

 I really need to talk about something that I've been dealing with. I decided to talk about it because keeping it all bottled up inside isn't helping me. Recently, I have had some life-changing health issues crop up that have knocked me for a loop. Each one causes me great pain at times and none of them are curable. Well, one is, but I have to go through surgery and therapy just to see if it will help with no guarantees that it will. When all of this hit me, it floored me. I didn't want to deal with the possibility that I will be in some type of pain every day for the rest of my life. For God sakes, I am only 50 years old! So, with this information came a million questions that swirled around my head. Most of them revolving around whether I would ever be able to see my dreams come to fruition. My dream has been to be a successful commercial, tv, and movie actor. And now that I have been diagnosed with an unspecified degenerative bone disorder in my hips on top of my pre-existing neurological disorder(Chiari Malformation) I wondered if my dreams were dead before they could ever be fully realized? I have been thrust into the throws of depression for the past month or so. I have hidden away from people and social outings. I have wallowed in self pity and sadness. I even turned my back on those things that once gave me joy.  Normally, I try to stay super positive. But lately, I have felt broken and cursed. DAMMIT! I put all of my dreams on the back burner so I could stay home, raise my sons and homeschool. I did this without regret. And if I had to make the decision again, I wouldn't change a thing. So, now that the youngest will be attending a regular high school in the fall, this was supposed to be my time to finally be able to focus on my dreams, not having bi-weekly doctor's appointments and reading medical reports that read like a tragic storyline on Lifetime television.  So often I just felt like collapsing in a pool of tears! And speaking of tears. I haven't even allowed myself to cry. They just don't even fall.  I'M SO ANGRY! Why is this happening to me? Why is my body failing me? Why do I have to deal with these issues? I am supposed to be going into the prime of my life, traveling with my husband, going on auditions, booking roles and doing awesome things, not having to deal with these stupid health issues.

Whew! Glad I finally got that off of my chest.

Now, I don't know why these things are happening to me and it sucks big time! But, I won't let it break me. Yeah, I've been depressed and sad. But, it will pass. Because even though I'm in pain daily, and my body is a bit weaker, my resolve to be an actor is still very strong. I don't believe I have this passion in my heart to just have it die. My life is far from over. My ability to do great work and create amazing things is not done. I might not be able to do any action scenes, but so what?? I don't see Viola Davis diving over any cars! I'm sure she probably could though if she wanted to. What I'm trying to say is this. Yes. From this day forward I may have more limitations. And I may not be able to run any marathons, but I can still act. That hasn't changed. I will travel with my husband. I will go to auditions and books roles and do awesome stuff. And if there ever comes a time where my physical issues severely limit my abilities to act, I will continue to do great work in other areas.  I will become a director, or I will produce what I write. But what I will never do is quit. As I mentioned earlier, my life is not over. It's just different. And as for those unshed tears. I will let them fall. Because tears are natural and I'm not ashamed of my sadness, I just won't let it consume me.

Peace and Love,
Jocelyn


“You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.” 
― Maya Angelou