“So many of our dreams at first seem impossible, then they seem improbable, and then, when we summon the will, they soon become inevitable.”― Christopher Reeve
I have been in deep thought lately. But, not the kind of thought where any answers are coming. You ever have that? Just a million thoughts and questions, swimming through your head constantly, but no answers? Well, that's where I have been residing for the past few weeks. That is never a good place for me. That's not exactly true. It is okay to be introspective, but when I linger there too long, negativity can start to creep in. I start to think about my age and how I haven't really accomplished any of my big goals. Then, that starts me to thinking about how I never really planned on staying in Chicago and how much I dislike the upcoming cold weather. I start worrying about if my homeschooled sons are learning enough. That leads to me thinking about my incredibly intelligent, newly graduated but not college-bound son that is currently spending 80% of his day in his bedroom. And my oldest son that just moved back home and has been trying to find a full-time job for over a year.
It gets a bit overwhelming to me, so I start to retreat inside my head even further because at that point, if I voice my feelings to anyone, they will just think I am complaining and tell me how thankful I should be to have such awesome children and how some people would love to have the experiences I have had, meet the people I have and how I should be thankful to have a husband that supports homeschooling and helps out with it when he can and doesn't expect me to work. I'm not stupid! Believe me, I am very thankful and I count my blessings everyday. I feel extremely fortunate to have been able to stay home and raise my children. It has been a wonderful experience to never have had to leave them in a daycare and be there for each and everyone of their milestones.
But, does that mean that I am not allowed to have dreams and wish that I could pursue some of them with the same energy that I have spent being a wife and mother?
An old friend of mine really upset me a few weeks ago. He suggested that I go to L.A. to try and find some work in acting. I explained to him that I didn't have the luxury of just leaving my family to go "try my luck" in Los Angeles. He went on to say that they would understand and that I should do it. Now, this is a retired person, with no dependents, that spends his time traveling telling me, the full time wife and mom to "just do it." And there lies the problem. He doesn't understand my life at all. And that's okay. I am not asking him or anyone else to. I am just saying please don't suggest things for me to do with my life, that you've never even had to deal with in your own.
Sorry. I just needed a minute to get some thoughts off my chest. I still have no answers though. A good friend reminded me yesterday that this is where I need Patience and Faith to take over. I have to have the patience to be still during this period of my life and trust that God is with me and knows all I am going through. And,the faith to believe that my dreams can come true. Even though it doesn't feel like they can right now, who knows what tomorrow holds.