I find myself back here quicker than I expected. Because the words, the thoughts, the emotions.....They keep filling up and overflowing inside of me like a bucket left outside in the rain. There's a lump in my throat that I can't swallow. So much going on in the word, that I can't follow. My thoughts on my sons and their black skin. And how so many are laughing at the pain my people are in. It's beyond sad and writing BLM on a Gucci store window doesn't mean damn thing to me. Because if the mindset and the actions don't change, it's just a waste of paint. I had to delete a few folks off of my FB page. My tolerance for their snide remarks and subtle racist posts is -0. They probably won't even notice.
I don't have a clear direction for this post today, so forgive me if it seems as though I'm rambling. I'm just trying not to lose my mind. I really wanted this to be an amazing year. The year when I would get back to work because I was cancer-free, and my hip was fixed. I wanted and needed so much for things to feel "normal" again.
WELP! We know how the hell that turned out! I have no direction now. Not sure if opportunities to audition will return. And if they do, I'm not sure I even want to. Nah, that's not true. I want to act my ass off! I want to walk into a room and blow their freaking minds!! I want to surprise myself. But everything is so uncertain now. And since this virus took over the world I don't know what to do. People say, "Write." I've tried. But my mind can't focus long enough. I'm like a toddler who's attention span lasts about 30 seconds. I'm sure my husband has noticed how scattered I've been lately. Bless his heart for just letting me try and work it all out. These blog posts are the only thing I've been able to actually complete.
The news, the social sites, the tv. It's so damn depressing. I walk barefoot in the garden to try and ground myself. Eyes closed, breathing in deeply, exhaling all the negativity that bombards my spirit unrelentingly.
I'm weary.
I'm worried.
The final scene in the movie, Powder flashes through my mind. When he takes off his shirt and runs through a field during an incoming storm. In a flash of lightning, he's gone. his energy transformed. He is finally free. I want to feel like that.
FREE!
Then a news brief comes across my screen and I'm reminded that I'm not. I'm here. Stuck on this chaotic rock. Where people hate one another because they look different, love different, worship different etc, etc, etc....
I turn my focus to the ones I love. Not just family. Friends too. We're all feeling it. In one way or another, 2020 has slapped the crap out of all of us. We persevere. Some cry, some pray, some get super busy, some retreat in their quiet place. But, we keep going. And thankfully amongst the madness, some really good stuff happens too. But, that's life in a nutshell, isn't it?
Anyway, I guess I'm done for today. It's almost noon and I'm already in need of a nap. I send you love, peace, and hope for the light to outshine the darkness in this world.
We can say 'Peace on Earth,' we can sing about it, preach about it or pray about it, but if we have not internalized the mythology to make it happen inside us, then it will not be.
-Betty Shabazz
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