Forgive me if I ramble

I find myself back here quicker than I expected. Because the words, the thoughts, the emotions.....They keep filling up and overflowing inside of me like a bucket left outside in the rain. There's a lump in my throat that I can't swallow. So much going on in the word, that I can't follow. My thoughts on my sons and their black skin. And how so many are laughing at the pain my people are in. It's beyond sad and writing BLM on a Gucci store window doesn't mean damn thing to me. Because if the mindset and the actions don't change, it's just a waste of paint. I had to delete a few folks off of my FB page. My tolerance for their snide remarks and subtle racist posts is -0. They probably won't even notice.

I don't have a clear direction for this post today, so forgive me if it seems as though I'm rambling. I'm just trying not to lose my mind. I really wanted this to be an amazing year. The year when I would get back to work because I was cancer-free, and my hip was fixed. I wanted and needed so much for things to feel "normal" again. 

WELP! We know how the hell that turned out! I have no direction now. Not sure if opportunities to audition will return. And if they do, I'm not sure I even want to.  Nah, that's not true. I want to act my ass off! I want to walk into a room and blow their freaking minds!! I want to surprise myself. But everything is so uncertain now. And since this virus took over the world I don't know what to do. People say, "Write." I've tried. But my mind can't focus long enough. I'm like a toddler who's attention span lasts about 30 seconds. I'm sure my husband has noticed how scattered I've been lately. Bless his heart for just letting me try and work it all out. These blog posts are the only thing I've been able to actually complete.

The news, the social sites, the tv. It's so damn depressing. I walk barefoot in the garden to try and ground myself. Eyes closed, breathing in deeply, exhaling all the negativity that bombards my spirit unrelentingly.

I'm weary.
I'm worried.

The final scene in the movie, Powder flashes through my mind. When he takes off his shirt and runs through a field during an incoming storm. In a flash of lightning, he's gone. his energy transformed. He is finally free. I want to feel like that.

FREE!

Then a news brief comes across my screen and I'm reminded that I'm not. I'm here. Stuck on this chaotic rock. Where people hate one another because they look different, love different, worship different etc, etc, etc....

I turn my focus to the ones I love. Not just family. Friends too. We're all feeling it. In one way or another, 2020 has slapped the crap out of all of us. We persevere. Some cry, some pray, some get super busy, some retreat in their quiet place. But, we keep going. And thankfully amongst the madness, some really good stuff happens too. But, that's life in a nutshell, isn't it?

Anyway, I guess I'm done for today. It's almost noon and I'm already in need of a nap. I send you love, peace, and hope for the light to outshine the darkness in this world.

We can say 'Peace on Earth,' we can sing about it, preach about it or pray about it, but if we have not internalized the mythology to make it happen inside us, then it will not be.

-Betty Shabazz

Take 2

Let's try this again. Earlier I typed out the longest blog I had written up to date and just as I was about to finish, it deleted. That really upset me, but I took it in stride(kinda). Glad it wasn't my thesis or something really important like that. It has been months since I've written because it's just been a crazy time and I have difficulty formulating complete thoughts when I feel stressed.

Anyway, in my previous blog, I was talking about how all of the recent events since February have really affected me. I had a hip replacement which I was terrified to have but it turned out okay. I had to do rehab on my own after the deadly covid19 virus took hold and I lost some very dear neighbors to that virus. Everything closed including schools and that meant my highschool Senior didn't get to have his prom, luncheon, or regular graduation. Which really made me extremely sad. But he was okay and he did get to have a modified ceremony that was nice.

Then on top of all of that, racial injustices reared its ugly head again unlike I've ever seen in my lifetime. And the series of events set off a powder keg that literally set the world on fire. I talked about how all of what's been happening made me feel sad, angry, confused, frightened, and a bit broken down. I've been talking about it bit on Facebook, but what I really wanted to do was scream. I found myself very tense and wanting to lash out at certain people. Then, my friend, Odessa Frey sent me a message earlier that brought tears to my eyes. I won't go into the details, but I will say that it was absolutely beautiful and it was just what I needed at this time when I'm seeing some of my Caucasian "friends" stay silent on the HUGE issue of racism in America. Their silence speaks volumes and while that hurts to see, it helps my resolve to focus on the continued fight against racism and for equality with those friends that aren't afraid to speak out about White privilege, the systematic racism that this country was built on and the struggles my people face every single day. They aren't afraid to say that Black Lives Matter because they know that doesn't mean that their lives mean less. They aren't afraid to challenge their racist neighbors, family members, or even look deeper into themselves to see where they can grow to be not just against racism, but Anti-racist! That's a whole different level.

So, I said a lot in my last blog, but I think that earlier post was probably just so I could really get some things off my chest that I have been holding on to. I needed to pound on this keyboard and write the words I've wanted to yell out loud. I've been "staying strong and quiet" for so long I've forgotten that sometimes that pressure needs to be released before one explodes. I guess sometimes I'm just afraid that if I let it go, the emotions will overwhelm me. If I cried for everything that has hurt me to my core or made me sad lately, the tears would never stop. So today I wrote a blog post. And then it got deleted. And for a moment I was defeated. But a friend lifted me with her words, so here I am. Writing again. Different than before but still something I needed to say.

And with that, (and several presses on the "save" key) I finish off this blog post with a quote:

“It is insufficient to only tell your children that racism and racists are bad. It is insufficient to simply explain “We love people of all colors.” It is lazy and near damaging to proclaim a love for all people but never make the leap of actually reaching out to people of color or adding tangible diversity to your life. In a world filled with empty rhetoric, our children don’t need to hear words from us without action.
They need to see us embody the beliefs we claim to hold dear.”
― Bellamy Shoffner

Peace and Love Dear Ones