Sharing my life with you, is what I do.

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

My purpose, my life

Lately, I have been in a humongous funk. I mean HUGE! Let me tell you why. For as long as I can remember I have wanted to be an actor. But I have never been successful at it. Now let me say that I have had some extremely amazing experiences while working as a background artist, a collaborator on an awesome comedy sketch pilot and as a craft service coordinator for independent films. But, I have never been able to have that opportunity to live out the dream of acting that I play over and over in my head. And because of that, I fell into a depression. In my mind, by this time in my life, I would have had an agent, been doing national commercials, and definitely, have had a speaking role in a television show or movie. But the Universe in its' infinite wisdom and cruel sense of humor obviously has other plans. And mostly those plans include my youngest son getting an agent, doing a national commercial and having a speaking role in a movie. So, while I am thrilled beyond words at my son's accomplishments, I must admit I get a bit sad every time a new month goes by on the calendar, a new gray hair appears in my head and, I see my friends doing all the things I dreamed of doing.

Do I sound a bit (okay a lot) "woe is me-ish?" Well, stick with me, it gets better I promise.

So, I decided to find out what my "purpose" was. Because I will NOT accept the thoughts that I am just be meant to have all of these dreams in my head or acting, to be tortured by them forever. I mean, I am okay with the possibility that I may never be an actor in the grander sense of the word. But I just have to know what I am here on this planet to do. So, I went on my quest (well it was more of a facebook post, a lot of praying and a day spent in my pajamas under a blanket) to find out where I should focus what little energy I had left. First, I made a list of all the things I really love to do. Hmmm? Acting(of course), cooking, writing, animals, and photography. Pretty good list. But could any of these be my purpose?

I mean, I had done this so many times in the past and every time nothing had come of it. Or had it? In the wee hours of the morning January 9th, 2017 (3 a.m to be exact)I got my answer. Turns out I had been living my purpose (and pushing it away) at the same time. There was one thing I had forgotten to put on my "list of loves." I truly love inspiring and encouraging others. I try and post a few original positive quotes here and there from time to time, and I always feel better after I do so. But I was so drawn into my own depression and feelings of inadequacies recently, that I forgot. It took a dear sweet woman in my life to remind me(just a few hours ago) that I had even stopped writing this blog. She told me she always loved my blog and she even said she saved a lot of them. Why had I stopped? I don't know. I mean writing is one of my loves and I really enjoyed blogging.  I think I got so caught up in what wasn't happening for me that I neglected what I already had. So is my purpose in the short time I have on this earth to inspire and encourage others through my writing? I'm not sure. All I know is, it feels amazing when someone tells me that something I wrote touched them or changed their life. It freaks me out a bit too because usually when I post those quotes, I am just trying to encourage myself, and change my own energy.

Anyway, the lesson I learned out of all of this is, your passion may not always be your purpose. But your purpose is definitely attached to your inner strengths and gifts. Tap into them.

I still hope to get that big speaking role one day. But until then, you can find me writing or cooking, or taking a picture of a cat or a flower somewhere. You get the idea.

Peace and Love 

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