I've been feeling super anxious lately, and I just couldn't figure out why? I mean, I'm used to having anxiety, but this was like EXTRA anxiety on top of the already present anxiety. I have been super shaky, and not wanting to leave my house. I feel as though I have consumed about 10 cups of very strong coffee. I really have had to sit with myself to try and work on the reason or reasons. I think that maybe it is because there are a ton of changes happening right now and my brain isn't able to process them all and keep up. A big one is, I have been parenting for 33 years. And now with our youngest son having turned 19 earlier this year and getting his 1st job, I find myself in new waters. Even though I still have 3 sons living at home with me, 2 of them are adults and 1 is pretty much one. I still "parent" them in certain ways. But, the days of them needing their mom for everything are over and I'm slowly learning how to "disconnect" from being the full-time mom to watching from the wings and just being there when they need me. My husband Paul and I are still encouraging them and letting them know when they are about to make a mistake. We are also available for daily hugs and of course, I still enjoy cooking meals for everyone. But, I find myself being in more observation mode and trying hard (although not always successfully) to not hover and be "mommy." Because they are men now and they need to take the lead in their own lives.
So, I'm sure that is one of the things that has been causing me some anxiety. I am in totally unknown territory and I'm trying to find out not only who they are as men, but who I AM as a mother with 4 adult sons. I put so much of my existence into making sure they were raised properly and cared for, for so long, that now that they don't need me in the same capacity, I feel a bit lost at times. The fact that I don't have a job and spend pretty much every day in my house probably doesn't help. And you might be thinking, "Well, why don't you just get out more and do stuff?" That might be helpful if this debilitating anxiety didn't have me in a freaking headlock most of the time. And, I actually have been getting out more and trying to socialize. But it's not always easy.
Also, during my morning meditation today, I realized another reason that I've been having such deep emotions. The 5th anniversary of my being diagnosed with breast cancer is approaching. September 4th, 2018 hit me like a bullet train and I still feel the trauma. They put a lot of emphasis on the 5-year mark with the majority of cancer patients and it adds a lot of stress. They make you feel like, "Oh my God, I just need to make it to year 5!" My dad was happy when he reached his 5 year remission of prostate cancer and later that same year it came back with a vengeance and we lost him not long after. That memory plays over and over in my head.
Now, that was my dad's story. Not mine. I fully intend on reaching my 20th year of remission and beyond. But the stress that that moment 5 years ago brought to my life, still holds me a bit captive. So to say I have a lot going on in my brain right now is a monumental understatement. And forgive my language but CANCER FUCKING SUCKS!!
Whew! There, I said it!
I'll get through this. And one thing I definitely won't do is dwell on ANYTHING negative. I am very thankful for my life. It is filled with love, laughter, an amazing family, and some pretty awesome friends. This is just a bump in the maddening rollercoaster called life.
I send you love, light, peace, good energy.
"The sad feelings will come from time to time, and it's perfectly okay to acknowledge them. But it's not okay to reside there. You have living to do." ~Jocelyn A. Dorsey
