The sheer fact that my last post was a year ago speaks volumes. I didn't even realize it had been that long, but I did know that I haven't felt like writing anything in a long time. My thoughts lately have been like a box of overturned alpha-bits. Just a bunch of indecipherable gibberish strewn about.
Anyway, the truth is I've been having a hard time mentally. But people don't like to hear that so I've been keeping it to myself. Unfortunately, people have a tendency to not really listen to people. They hear bits and pieces and make their own assumptions without actually trying to be empathetic about what the person going through the situation is feeling. I've been guilty of this myself.
So, what's going on with me exactly? I'm not exactly sure. All I know is I'm in a weird headspace. I don't believe I'm depressed. But something definitely isn't right. I get up every day, I get dressed, laugh, smile, dream, cook, run errands, etc..Normal right?
Not quite.
The other side of that is I feel anxious, angry, and sad most of the time as well. Recently I've been having these "flashbacks" if you will about when I was sick.
ANXIETY: I can be doing anything and all of a sudden I will be transported right back there. I will smell, feel and taste the hospital, the chemo, the fear. All of it just comes rushing back and it is an overwhelmingly crippling feeling. I spoke with a friend and she says it's PTSD. I can believe that.
ANGER: I'm angry that cancer ever touched my life. It took so much away from me. My dad, many friends and family members as well. And even though I am still here to talk about it, I'm not okay. The type of cancer I had usually has a life expectancy of 5 years. I am 2 years in remission. The only 2 people that I have ever known with this same type of cancer have passed on. That mentally is not easy to deal with. While I try to live in the moment and be grateful for each and every moment, that still bothers me so much. My husband retires in 5 years and all I can think about sometimes is if I will even be here to celebrate his retirement with him and take that month long trip we've been dreaming about for so long. I'm angry that more and more cancer centers are being erected every day and that I can't even watch television without being bombarded by no less than 20 cancer related commercials in a 2 hour span. Now, I know that 5 years is not a hard fact, and I pray I will live a whole lot longer. But, when you see the statistics in everything you read about how difficult it is to treat triple negative breast cancer and how most don't survive past that 5 year mark, it works on the psyche a lot. I am thankful though that recent reports show some breakthroughs in treatment. So, I remain very hopeful. I spoke about these feelings in one of other blog posts, but it is something that I still deal with daily.
SADNESS: I'm not sure if this is the correct emotion. And when I really think about it, maybe I am dealing with depression. I've noticed that I don't feel creative anymore. I haven't written a story, sketch, poem, etc... I've stopped auditioning and I even took the insane step of leaving my agency. I feel so uninspired and broken. And even though, I still LOVE being on set and acting, I just have no drive right now. It's heartbreaking really, because I fought so hard to finally get to a certain point. I had an agent, I booked some awesome projects. One being my dream project, got my SAG card and then it all came crashing down. I tell myself, that I will take this time to work on myself and hopefully come back strong next year. But, the truth is I just don't know what will happen. I really hope I can get it together. Part of me feels so trapped inside my own head. I hear her screaming to get out. She wants to be an amazing actor, she wants to open a successful business. She wants to travel to beautiful places with her family, or just even venture out to the events that she gets invited to, but can't because she feels so damn defeated most of the time. So she stays inside her house, binging upbeat tv shows and Hallmark movies trying to calm the anxiety and the feelings of being a failure that comes so often. It's just that when the anxiety grips you so hard that you can't even go to the store by yourself or when time and time again you miss parties or events that you really want to go to, but you can't because you're afraid to go alone. It's hard not to feel like a complete failure.
There's a risk in laying out your innermost feelings. People will judge you. Some will shun you. Others may pity you or begin to handle you with "kid gloves." I don't care about that.
We're all fragile people when you think about it. Some just hide it better than others.
I've thought about this over and over and wrestled with even writing this post. I have found that there is healing in me writing out my feelings. I believe that those who read this and turn away from me, would do that regardless. There will be those that offer their suggestions, prayers, etc...
Thanks, but I'm not posting this for a response or for anyone to try and "solve" my problems. I just needed to get this off my chest. There's so much more that I could say, but I'm not able to verbalize those thoughts properly. Maybe I will find a good therapist to assist me in dealing with these issues if necessary. I hesitate because I've met some therapists that were horrible and needed therapy more than myself.
Plus, I truly believe that another person can't fix me. My healing, my therapy come from being in nature. It always has. I've just been so separated from it living in this urban setting. But maybe they could help me navigate these feelings more efficiently. So I remain open to the possibility.
Well, I believe I have come to the end of this post. So, I will leave you with this.
“At every moment of our lives, we all have one foot in a fairy tale and the other in the abyss.”
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