Mountain Goats, Bears, Double Rainbows

 Weird title right, I'll explain that later.

 At the end of August, I was feeling more anxious than usual. I have a tendency to start to feel like a caged animal when the seasons start to shift and the winds start to blow from the North. I was on my way back from a weekend trip with my goddaughter and all I could think about was my friend Sally Vering. She lives in Montana and ran a Bear spray company in Yellowstone National Park. She had invited me a few years before, but I had gotten sick and hadn't thought about seriously going until that day. Something deep in my soul was pulling me hard to go to Yellowstone. 

So, when I got back home I sent her a message. I told her I was really thinking about going there for a visit and wanted to know what hotels were nearby. She told me I was welcome to stay with her as long as I didn't mind sharing the space with a large german shepherd puppy named, Buster. I talked to my husband about it and he quickly said, "go!" I found a flight, hit the purchase button, and started packing. 

I had told myself that I wasn't going to let fear stop me this time. I had to see this through. I wasn't sure why I needed to go at that moment, but I went with it. I remember pleading to myself,  "PLEASE don't get in your own way!" I was determined to allow myself to have this experience and just say, yes to it. So, when Sally called and asked what I felt about spending the night in Yellowstone, I didn't hesitate to say, yes. Whatever was guiding me there, told me I needed whatever experiences were on the horizon.

On the morning of the trip, I was excited and nervous(of course). I kissed my family set off. Upon my arrival to the airport, I received a message that my flight had been canceled and rescheduled to several hours later. I instantly panicked. I called my husband almost in tears. I was ready to cancel the entire trip and head back home. Again, the calling whispered, "Don't stop." I called Sally and she just said, "You're coming today, this is just a setback. I will meet you at the airport." I took a few deep breaths and got on my way. 

Upon my arrival to Montana, I was instantly comforted by how quiet it was there. The airport there looked like a ski lodge with all of its' beautiful woodwork. I could see the mountains in the distance. I was there, FINALLY! 

Before I go further, I need to give you a little background on my friend, Sally. We were highschool classmates. and hadn't seen each other since 1985. We never hung out together in school, but there was always this mutual admiration between us. We reconnected on facebook 2012. We chatted here and there and even talked about me visiting several times over the years. She was a great comfort to me when I got sick. I still wear the pair of Moose socks she sent me to add to my "groovy sock collection" that I wore when I was going through chemo.  Anyway, when she arrived at the airport to pick me up we just hugged each other and smiled. We laughed about the fact that we hadn't been close in school because at that moment we felt like best friends. We enjoyed a great dinner in town, reminisced and, went back to her home to get rested for the next morning's journey. 

Now, I was totally clueless when it came to Yellowstone. I knew it existed, but that was about all I knew. I had no idea we were actually headed to Wyoming and that our trip would take several hours. All I knew was I was where I was supposed to be. We started out and for a change, I felt no anxiety, no fear. 

When we got to Yellowstone I was in awe. She told me it sat on over 2 million acres of land. My brain couldn't even comprehend that. It is hard to describe the emotions I was feeling. My heart was bursting with happiness looking at the expanse of nature. Our first animal sighting was an antelope. A short distance ahead was when we started to see Bison and Elk grazing. Little did I know this would be the "small stuff."  We drove through the park for hours and stopped in a small town to grab lunch and some pumpkin bread for the next morning's breakfast.  Sally wanted to stop for fuel before we headed to the campground. When we got to the gas station, she discovered that her wallet was missing. She wondered if she had dropped in when we had gotten out of the car to look for a bear that some people had seen far off in the distance. We searched the car over and over. It was the first time I ever saw her rattled or upset. I was sad and I remember feeling like, somehow me being there had brought this bad luck to her because if she hadn't been driving me around she wouldn't have lost her wallet. She had a closing coming up and she desperately needed her id. I asked if she wanted to head back to her house and end the trip. She immediately said, no. She called and canceled her cards and told me that our journey wasn't over. 

I filled up her tank, we got back in the car and we kept going. I couldn't shake the feeling of guilt I had though. We drove in silence for a while and came across a small traffic jam. Sally figured it was probably a Bison or an Elk nearby. As we started to move slowly Sally noticed some bushes moving on my side of the road. She immediately told me to get my camera ready. I aimed at the moving branches and was surprised to see a bear right there in the bushes! It couldn't have been more than 3 feet away from me. I couldn't believe I had seen a bear in the wild up close. Sally reminded me that if we had turned back, we would have missed that experience. Right after that, we came across beautiful Moutain goats grazing on the side of a cliff and an astounding double rainbow. We took a moment to reflect on those back to back experiences and how often when faced with challenges, our first inclination is to give up. If Sally had agreed with me and headed back to Montana we would have missed those beautiful sights. And going back further, if I had let those canceled flights and delays stop me, I never would have even made it to reconnect with my friend. I was so thankful that we had kept going. 

The next morning, Sally received word that her wallet had been found. It was the perfect way to start the final full day of my trip. I wasn't prepared for what the day would bring. It was the first time in ages that I truly felt alive and in the moment. Sally drove me to see waterfalls, creeks, lakes, and geysers. We ate lunch overlooking the gorgeous and massive Yellowstone lake. We traveled to elevations of over 8000ft above sea level and all I could do to not break down in tears of gratitude was to say thank you over and over to the Creator of all the beauty I was allowed to witness. There was a lot more that happened but this is getting long.

After an absolutely wonderful day, we made the 3 hours trip back to her home in Montana. I would be leaving in the morning and we were both tired. But Sally knew there was one more thing we needed to do. We left her house around 10:30pm. We drove until she found a place where people fish. I couldn't tell you where the heck we were because it was pitch black. We stopped the car, turned out the headlights, stepped out of the car, looked up, and there it was. Sally knew it was a longtime dream of mine to see the Milky way and there it was along with countless stars surrounding us from all sides. It was like those childhood trips we took to the Planetarium to see the sky show, but this time it was real. We stood there in silence and just let the moment wash over us. We were treated to a passing fireball that we watch streak across the sky and burn out. We grabbed each other, jumping up and down like excited schoolgirls. This was the cherry on the top of our already amazing weekend. 

The next morning, I was again greeted with cancellations and delays. The changes had me getting back into Chicago past midnight.  Sally drove me to the airport to hopefully have a better chance of switching to a better flight in person rather than trying to maneuver things online. We said our "see you laters", and I headed inside. As nerve-racking as dealing with these flights had been it, something had changed in me. I thought about the great trip I had just had and how not letting challenges defeat you can bring about some astonishing results. I was successful in finding a flight that would get me back home by 9pm. I sat in the airport and replayed in my head all the ways each of my senses had been delighted the past few days. But most of all I was glad that I had given myself permission to step out on faith and not let anxiety keep me from what was one of the most beautiful times in my life. And while I'm back home binge-watching shows on Netflix and Sally is off hiking with Buster in Oregon and California, I can't see a star or a rainbow without thinking of her. Her willingness to share her world with me. Her kindness, friendship, and sisterhood have left an indelible mark on my heart and soul. Until the next adventure, my friend. 

I love you. 

Soul Laid Bare

 The sheer fact that my last post was a year ago speaks volumes. I didn't even realize it had been that long, but I did know that I haven't felt like writing anything in a long time. My thoughts lately have been like a box of overturned alpha-bits. Just a bunch of indecipherable gibberish strewn about. 

Anyway, the truth is I've been having a hard time mentally. But people don't like to hear that so I've been keeping it to myself. Unfortunately, people have a tendency to not really listen to people. They hear bits and pieces and make their own assumptions without actually trying to be empathetic about what the person going through the situation is feeling. I've been guilty of this myself. 

So, what's going on with me exactly? I'm not exactly sure. All I know is I'm in a weird headspace. I don't believe I'm depressed. But something definitely isn't right. I get up every day, I get dressed, laugh, smile, dream, cook, run errands, etc..Normal right? 

Not quite. 

The other side of that is I feel anxious, angry, and sad most of the time as well. Recently I've been having these "flashbacks" if you will about when I was sick. 

ANXIETY: I can be doing anything and all of a sudden I will be transported right back there. I will smell, feel and taste the hospital, the chemo, the fear. All of it just comes rushing back and it is an overwhelmingly crippling feeling. I spoke with a friend and she says it's PTSD. I can believe that. 

ANGER: I'm angry that cancer ever touched my life. It took so much away from me. My dad, many friends and family members as well. And even though I am still here to talk about it, I'm not okay. The type of cancer I had usually has a life expectancy of 5 years. I am 2 years in remission. The only 2 people that I have ever known with this same type of cancer have passed on. That mentally is not easy to deal with. While I try to live in the moment and be grateful for each and every moment, that still bothers me so much. My husband retires in 5 years and all I can think about sometimes is if I will even be here to celebrate his retirement with him and take that month long trip we've been dreaming about for so long. I'm angry that more and more cancer centers are being erected every day and that I can't even watch television without being bombarded by no less than 20 cancer related commercials in a 2 hour span. Now, I know that 5 years is not a hard fact, and I pray I will live a whole lot longer. But, when you see the statistics in everything you read about how difficult it is to treat triple negative breast cancer and how most don't survive past that 5 year mark, it works on the psyche a lot. I am thankful though that recent reports show some breakthroughs in treatment. So, I remain very hopeful. I spoke about these feelings in one of other blog posts, but it is something that I still deal with daily. 

SADNESS: I'm not sure if this is the correct emotion. And when I really think about it, maybe I am dealing with depression. I've noticed that I don't feel creative anymore. I haven't written a story, sketch, poem, etc... I've stopped auditioning and I even took the insane step of leaving my agency. I feel so uninspired and broken. And even though, I still LOVE being on set and acting, I just have no drive right now. It's heartbreaking really, because I fought so hard to finally get to a certain point. I had an agent, I booked some awesome projects. One being my dream project, got my SAG card and then it all came crashing down. I tell myself, that I will take this time to work on myself and hopefully come back strong next year. But, the truth is I just don't know what will happen. I really hope I can get it together. Part of me feels so trapped inside my own head. I hear her screaming to get out. She wants to be an amazing actor, she wants to open a successful business. She wants to travel to beautiful places with her family, or just even venture out to the events that she gets invited to, but can't because she feels so damn defeated most of the time. So she stays inside her house, binging upbeat tv shows and Hallmark movies trying to calm the anxiety and the feelings of being a failure that comes so often. It's just that when the anxiety grips you so hard that you can't even go to the store by yourself or when time and time again you miss parties or events that you really want to go to, but you can't because you're afraid to go alone. It's hard not to feel like a complete failure. 

There's a risk in laying out your innermost feelings. People will judge you. Some will shun you. Others may pity you or begin to handle you with "kid gloves." I don't care about that. 

We're all fragile people when you think about it. Some just hide it better than others.

 I've thought about this over and over and wrestled with even writing this post. I have found that there is healing in me writing out my feelings. I believe that those who read this and turn away from me, would do that regardless. There will be those that offer their suggestions, prayers, etc... 

Thanks, but I'm not posting this for a response or for anyone to try and "solve" my problems. I just needed to get this off my chest. There's so much more that I could say, but I'm not able to verbalize those thoughts properly. Maybe I will find a good therapist to assist me in dealing with these issues if necessary. I hesitate because I've met some therapists that were horrible and needed therapy more than myself.

Plus, I truly believe that another person can't fix me.  My healing, my therapy come from being in nature. It always has. I've just been so separated from it living in this urban setting. But maybe they could help me navigate these feelings more efficiently. So I remain open to the possibility. 

Well, I believe I have come to the end of this post. So, I will leave you with this. 

“At every moment of our lives, we all have one foot in a fairy tale and the other in the abyss.”
― Paulo Coelho