My Journey With Cancer-Over A Hump Straight into a Wall

This is gonna be a short one,

It's been a minute since I've updated my blog. I've thought about it daily, but I've been going through so much lately. I had hoped to post one after I finished my first cycle of chemo. I was feeling pretty good and the doctors were telling me that I was over the hardest part of the 16 week cycle. That, unfortunately, has not been the case. I went to treatment #5 ready to get it started. I took all my pre-meds, donned my groovy socks and went in. The infusion was much longer this time around (3 hours) and it made me really tired right away, but I was just glad to be done. 2 days later I still felt super tired, and I developed numbness and painful tingling in my hands and feet. This was one of the side effects they said could happen while on the Taxol. I was really hoping to avoid that. However, I wasn't prepared for the pain started on Sunday. I thought it was just because I had been sedentary and I needed to stretch and walk. I did that, but the pain didn't subside. It got worse. Much Worse!! My whole body felt like I had the worse bout of the flu ever. If only it was something as simple. Apparently, I got a side effect that was never mentioned. I was put on round the clock painkillers and all I could do is cry. The pain lasted for 5 days.  It's been a rough time. I haven't had any energy. I've only left my house twice in 2 weeks. To say that mentally, physically and spiritually I've been dealing with some things is a huge understatement. Even now, It's difficult for me to formulate my thoughts to blog about. All I know is, I'm still hopeful that I can get through this. I have chemo again this Thursday and I'm not looking forward to it one bit.  I'm not feeling much like a warrior right now. I'm feeling like a regular woman, wife, and mom who just wishes that cancer never existed. Who wishes she could have the energy to cook dinner for her family again(not that they can't do for themselves, I just miss doing it). go out with her husband, and not miss her sons' concerts at school because I can't get out of the bed. I'm sad. I'm scared, and I just want to get well. I'm hoping to look at all of these posts one day and say, "WOW! I came through a lot, but I made it." On a good note, I still find a reason to smile everyday. I have a ton to be thankful for and I count every blessing.

Through it all, I send you all Peace and Love

My Journey With Cancer-The Kindness of Strangers

Since we last chatted, I've had a few more treatments. I've lost ALL of my hair(with the exception of my eyebrows and lashes) my nail beds are turning purple and the skin on my hands has gotten a shade darker. I still feel pretty good for the most part. I do get tired pretty easily and my tastebuds have forsaken me. Most things have no taste. They just taste like cardboard or cotton. I still make sure to eat, but it's definitely not for pleasure. Certain smells make me nauseous, but it's mostly a mental thing. So, I am working on that. 

I wanted to talk about the blessings that I have received over the past few weeks. I have been surprised with cards, gifts, and well-wishes from perfect strangers. I wake up to prayers being said for me on Instagram.  I was "ambushed" by the Brave Chicks. They are a wonderful group of cancer survivors that come to uplift and support other women fighting cancer. They gave me a gift card, an honorary membership certificate, and a plethora of "groovy socks" to wear to chemo. This outpouring of love has been so healing to my spirit. As you can imagine, I have been going through so many emotions. But, most of them lately have just been gratitude, gratitude, gratitude. I initially felt really alone when I got my diagnosis. I knew I wasn't alone, but I just felt so disconnected. Now, that I have met amazing cancer survivors and fighters, I know that I have an army right alongside me fighting, praying, encouraging and believing that I will soon be a cancer survivor. 

I did want to share some more good news with you. The ping-pong sized lymph-nodes in my armpit have shrunk. I can no longer feel any swelling. I was kinda nervous to get my hopes up, but I am celebrating every positive development!  I also excepted a role in a play. I was so inspired by an amazing woman named, Toni Lynice Fountain who is fighting breast cancer for the 2nd time but hasn't let that stop her from acting. Her story really made me realize that there's no reason why I can't keep pursuing my dreams. 

To those that have reached out to me through a card, a phone call, a personal visit or even a message on Facebook, Thank you! 

To my amazing friend, Odessa Frey I LOVE YOU, LADY! Can't wait to visit you in Vegas! And thank you to all of her friends that blessed me and made me smile with their kindness.  

To those out there that are fighting, stay strong. I know how hard it is, but you're not alone. To those that are encouraging someone through their illness. Keep up the great work. Your support is invaluable. 

Peace and Love 

My Journey With Cancer-What I learned When I Let Go

I am so thankful that I not only wrote but published and let others read my last post. I could have simply written and deleted it or written and left it as a draft. But, it was important and imperative that I write it and let others read it. Because we don't share the ugly enough. Especially as women. I was thinking about the day I found out that I have cancer. My husband and I had just dropped our teens off for their 1st day of school and returned home. I was expecting a call with my results, but I wasn't expecting to be told that I had cancer. Let alone cancer that had already spread. I immediately went into "mom mode." I wanted to make sure everyone else was okay. My husband, my mom, my siblings and especially my children. I was even trying to figure out what to make for dinner that evening. And from that moment until I wrote that post a few days ago, I had been in go mode. Even though I thought I was handling the stress of my diagnosis and all that, I wasn't. I started having daily headaches, chest pains and finally lower back pains that felt like someone was tying my back muscles in painful knots and pulling them tighter and tighter. Every time my heart beat my entire body would hurt. That made me realize that I really wasn't dealing with my stress at all. I had to let it out. Crying wasn't doing it. I had to face every truthful feeling I had suppressed and release them.

A lot of us, men and women alike are taught to not complain. Because that would make us seem ungrateful and we should never seem ungrateful because we have to much to be thankful for. Well, we do have a lot to be thankful for. But, we also are humans that live in a chaotic world where insane things can happen in the blink of an eye. We are also taught to be "Strong." I hear that word a lot. People tell me I am strong all the time. So, with my current situation, I fixated on that. People call me strong, they expect me to be strong so I have to be strong. Well, let me tell you something. Being "strong" almost took your girl out. For real. If I had not recognized what was happening to me and released all that I was holding on to.......I don't even like to think about it.

I worried about sounding too negative in my last post. I even edited it at least 4 times so I wouldn't seem ungrateful. You see what I mean?? I was more worried about what other people would think of my rant. Worried that I might offend someone. I was about to DIE from stress!! But I was still over here worrying about seeming like I wasn't thankful.

Well, I am thankful. Every single day. Even on the sucky days. And I am doubly thankful that I followed my extremely stressed out mind and wrote my rant post because guess what? I haven't had a headache or a chest pain since. And, my back stopped hurting. It was as if a 50 pound weight was lifted from my spirit.

I released that negativity from myself. I spoke the words that a lot of people feel but won't say. I saved myself that day. I really believe that. This journey is changing me. And it has only just begun.

I will tell you this. If you see me and you ask me how I feel, be ready for an honest answer. If you don't want to know, don't ask. Because I'm not holding back anymore. I can't afford to.

Peace and Love.

P.S. I have embraced the Pink Ribbons again! I fight with them and for them!! #BreastCancerAwareness

“Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it.”
―Ann Landers

My Journey With Cancer-This is not a "feel good" post

Copyright Disney 

I lamented about even writing this post. But, when I started it, people commented that they admired my honesty. So, today's post is just that. How I feel, TODAY!

Today I feel angry. Actually, angry is too mild.
I'M PISSED!

Yes! Pissed is a much much better way to describe how I feel. I am pissed that I have cancer! I am pissed that I have to wonder every day if I can really be cured. I am pissed that my family has to worry about me. I am pissed that the sight of pink ribbons now makes me sick! I say this after I bought 12 pairs of Breast cancer awareness socks that are really cute.  I know this my repulsion won't always be the case . This is just so new and still unbelievable to me.  I ask God daily to Bless all the amazing women fighting this horrible horrible dis-ease. And God Bless the survivors!! I am pissed that I have to put my life on hold AGAIN! I am pissed that some people are afraid to talk to me or they look at me as the "cancer lady and feel they have to handle me with super soft fuzzy pink mittens.  I am pissed that my body is scarred from my port surgery and that it will have even more scars after my surgery in January. I am pissed that my one of my sons cried at school during his lunch period because he worries about me. (and getting straight A's.) I am pissed that I may not be here to plant my garden in the Spring.

I am pissed that I may carry a cancer gene that I have passed down to my sons. I am pissed that I worry daily about if my husband will find me attractive if I have to have both of my breasts removed. He says, of course, he will. But I am pissed that I worry so much about that.  I am pissed that a family member was told not to mention my cancer to others like it's some kind of contagious plague passed on by word of mouth!  I am pissed that the chemo I take to hopefully survive could irreparably damage my heart! I am pissed that the type of breast cancer I have is more difficult to cure. I am pissed that people keep sending me posts about cancer. (even though I know they are coming from a place of love and care)

I am pissed that when I say how much I want to get back to acting, people say, "Just write!" I don't want to just write. I want to act! I've been writing my entire life! Would you tell a chef who lost their hands to just eat?? (I know they also mean well, but writing is not the same as acting. At least not to me.) I am pissed at the commercials that remind me that metastatic breast cancer is "relentless." Do they know how that makes people with this damn condition feel? It makes me feel horrible!!! And even quadruply(made up word??) worse when the medicine they offer can't even be offered to me. I am pissed that I had no idea just how many people on my father's side actually had cancer because nobody talks about it! I am pissed with the people that when they find out I have cancer give me a chipper, "Oh, you'll be just fine!" (I know they mean well. I am starting to believe that this is more for them than me)

*Pause for several deep cleansing breaths*

I am pissed that I don't know if my family will ever be able to take another vacation because my medical bills will be ridiculous even with insurance.
I am pissed that I wonder if  I will be able to celebrate my mother's next birthday, my next birthday, my son's birthday in June. My 25th wedding anniversary next July, or my son's high school graduation and all the other awesome dates that end in 2019 and beyond. Now, I know that I was never promised to see any of those days, but this hanging over me, just makes it stressful. I am pissed that I have doubts. I am pissed that I've wondered if God will answer Yes to my prayers to beat this disease.


I AM PISSED THAT CANCER EXISTS!!!

*sigh*


I am thankful to the amazing people that have reached out to me. That have offered a ride, a prayer, sent a card, called to check on me, sent a message. Or that have made me laugh really hard! (Kevin Joseph, I love you! 😉)

I am thankful to my cousin, Gail who has been a shoulder to cry on years before this and remains such a calming force in my life, even though she keeps inviting to me breast cancer stuff that I'm not ready to deal with yet. (Feelings are still a bit raw, cousin)

My journey has just begun. And, I am sure that I will continue to have a range of emotions. However, the one I really hope to share with you all is the one of jubilation when I am deemed "cancer free."

If you've made it to the end of this post. Thank you for reading my rant. I feel so much better now.
*But I'm still pissed I even had to write a post like this*

Peace and Love

“I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars.” 
― Og Mandino

My Journey With Cancer-Step 3 Chemo Begins

Hubby Cutting My Hair

I've been wanting to update the blog, but I really had to get my head right. This entire experience has taken me through so many different emotions as you can imagine. The first for me was disbelief. Then came fear. Then depression set in Big Time.  I have a good friend and a cousin that fought cancer and being able to vent to them has been invaluable. They never let me sink. Along with my amazing husband, who is absolutely my rock and some other friends and family members, I know that I am absolutely not alone and I am very loved.


After we went to the conference with the doctors, they set up a chemo class with the nurse practitioner. I elected to go to the class alone. I needed to spend some time and let everything set in. I wasn't prepared to be presented with a huge binder. It was very overwhelming to read about all of the medicines and side-effects. I choked back the tears for most of the class. I got my temporary handicap placard and the dates for my chemo was set. NOW it was real!


Two days before chemo, I got my head shaved. I decided I would rather shave it than watch it all fall out. It was such a crazy experience. I thought I would be sad, but I wasn't at all. It actually felt quite good. It did make my youngest son really sad though. It finally hit him that this was all really happening.

1 day before chemo, We just stayed home. I hadn't slept well the night before and was utterly exhausted. However, I wasn't as nervous as I thought I would be. I was actually ready to get started.


Chemo Day!! I managed to get some really good sleep overnight. Paul and I even hit our snooze buttons a few times.
We got to the hospital at 6:30am to check in. Used the handicapped placard to get a "good parking space."
 We were taken straight up to the out-patient surgery floor, where they would surgically implant a port in my chest where future blood draws would be given and where future blood draws would be taken. The surgery took about 2 hours. When I woke up in recovery, the pain that hit me was, whoo!! My arm and chest were on fire. They immediately gave me some pain meds and by the time I got dressed and brought up to the cancer center, the was thankfully subsiding. I was taken to one of the pods to relax and meet my nurse. She explained everything that I would experience during my time there. It was a really comfortable experience. First up was all of the anti-nausea drugs. I asked why there were so many of them. The explained that they work very hard to make sure that patients don't get nauseous and don't vomit. My particular chemo regimen is going to last for 4 months. I will do a cycle of 2 separate meds for the first 4 weeks and then only 1 med for the last four weeks. I also have an auto-injectable med that they attach after chemo. It activates 27 hours after my treatments. It is to help prevent my white blood cell count from falling to a dangerous level. The side effect is bone pain. But of course, they made sure I had pain meds on hand if it's unbearable for me. 

I didn't feel any discomfort after my treatments. And, I even felt good enough to go shopping afterward. Sleeping was kind of rough because of the surgery. This morning I was up to see the boys off to school and that made me happy. I ate well, rested a lot and even felt up to having a few visitors. My mood is great, my outlook is even greater. I believe I will beat this. I pray, meditate, and just talk to the Creator. This journey and fight are going to be a long one, but I'm up for the challenge. I'm disappointed that my acting in on hold, but its just temporary. And just because I'm not able to act right now, doesn't mind I can't continue to write my stories and work on scripts. I even told my agent that if she gets a breakdown for a cancer patient, I'm perfect for the job!

So, I'm doing okay. I have been so overwhelmed (in a good way) by all of the good thought, wishes and prayers sent my way.  My next treatment is October 11th.

Peace and Love, good people.

Not sure if you can see the "bump" in my chest
but that's where the port is. The white bandage is
where they went in. 

My Journey with cancer-Step 2 (Info and More Tests)

I really didn't want to write today. I really just wanted to come home and pull the covers over my head and cry. Today was my chemotherapy class. I was presented with this giant binder full of information about all the medications I would be taking, all of the side effects and the rest of that good stuff. I choked back the tears for an hour because I needed to hear all that the nurse was presenting. I sat there in that fog again. Trying to make sense of all of this. How could this be happening? I really have cancer. Dammit!!

I also learned that my particular type of cancer is aggressive and that my treatment is a bit limited. Another day, another gut punch. I managed to ask what I needed to ask and I made sure I didn't leave there not understanding what I needed to know.  After that appointment, I had an echocardiogram. This is basically an ultrasound of the heart. I had to have one to make sure that my heart is strong enough to tolerate the chemo. Apparently one of the drugs used for my 1st round of therapy can sometimes affect the heart. Echo came out fine, so I am on track to begin my treatment next Thursday. Terrified doesn't describe how I feel right now.  I have noticed that I don't mind writing about all of this, but I am beginning to hate talking about it. It just seems to annoy me now. Everything seems to annoy me. I know it's just because of the anxiety  I'm feeling. If you know me, you know that I LOVE to talk. But, not lately. All of this has done a number on my psyche. It's just temporary. I'm working on it.

As long as I could remember, I've always loved butterflies.  Yesterday, I was saying to myself that right now, I feel like I am going into the chrysalis stage. That's the stage where the caterpillar goes into its' cocoon for a spell to complete the metamorphosis. My cousin, Gail referenced butterflies today when she spoke about a women's cancer group she is part of.  It was a validation for me. I feel like this is going to be a quiet period for me. Very introspective. Just going to take it one day at a time though and be kind to myself. I think some new comfy pajamas are in my future. 

My Journey With Cancer-Step 1

Thank you to everyone that read and/or shared my first blog post about my cancer diagnosis. I promised to keep the updates coming. Here's the first one.  Today has been a roller coaster of emotions. This has been happening a lot lately. I go from laughing to feeling anxious, to anger, to wanting to burst into tears.  I woke up to the news that a friend and co-worker of my husband had passed away. He had drowned. That was not the way to start my day. But, I got myself together because today was the conference with the doctors.  I noticed that I was pretty stressed out when I got off the elevator at the hospital. It's something about stepping off and seeing the words: CANCER CENTER. I instantly got a bit angry. I shouldn't have to be here. Nobody should have to be here. I looked at all of the other patients and sadness took over. I don't know any of their stories, but somehow they intertwine with mine because we all have cancer. That still sounds so weird to me to say out loud. I felt annoyed that I have to go through this. It's not fair that cancer even exists and comes in and turns your entire life upside down. I took a deep breath and waited until they called my name. I went into the room and sat, alone. A very kind med student came in. I was asked a million questions about my health and then given a quick examination. The physician that will be handling my case came in later.

Next came the conference. My husband and mother joined me in a conference room to meet with the doctors that will be treating me. We sat at a small round table with paper to take notes. I looked out of the window not wanting to meet eyes with anyone for a moment. I just wanted to wish it all away.  The doctor came in and explained what my treatment plan would be. We would start with tests to make sure my heart was strong enough for the chemo. Chemo could start as early as next week and would continue for 4 months. I was told that it will make me sick right after and for a few days after that. That's hard to swallow. I look fine and I feel fine right now. And in order for me to be cured, I have to become sick. That makes no sense to me. but lately, nothing makes much sense. For the chemo, they will place a port under my skin to make it easier to access my veins for the treatments. Really not looking forward to that. They also let me know my hair will fall out by the 2nd treatment. That was pretty hard to hear. But, it's only hair, right? Yeah right. I just got my hair the way I like it and now I am going to be bald. For the Winter! In Chicago!  I tell myself that at least I can get away with wearing some pretty groovy hats though. Surgery will come later, closer to the end of my treatments. The hope is that the chemo will shrink the cancer cells in my lymph nodes so they won't have to remove so many. Because that could cause me to develop lymphedema, which is a painful swelling of the lymph nodes that would also affect my left arm. And wouldn't you know it, I'm left-handed.  All of this is still pretty surreal. People keep telling me to stay strong and keep up my spirits. But, right now I don't feel strong. My spirits are not up and I just want to get on a plane and go somewhere really quiet and beautiful. I am thankful for all of the wonderful words of support and love I've received. This is just a pretty rough time for me. Tomorrow I have to have a "chemo class." That is where I get all the info about the effects of the chemo and the meds I'll be given to counteract those effects. It's a lot to take in. But, I have to be ready because next week, it begins.

Peace and Love
Jocelyn

The Fight For My Life

In late July, I noticed a lump in my left armpit. It didn't hurt, it was just there. I wondered if I had an abscess, or just a swollen lymph node. Another week went by and it hadn't changed. I decided it was time I let a doctor check it out. I was overdue for my yearly physical so I made an appointment at the new hospital I had recently started going to with a doctor I was referred to by the central scheduling operator. My mother always tells me I'm hard on doctors. But, that's only because most of them have totally dismissed me and sent me on my way unrelieved. That was not the case with this doctor. I believe God sent me to this woman. She is comforting, kind and thorough. She did my physical and then felt the node. I could tell she thought it was more than just a swollen node. She made me an appointment to have a mammogram the very next day and made sure she sent me to see a breast specialist. I went in, had the mammogram and the radiologist also decided to do an ultrasound on the node while I was there. Turns out it wasn't just one node. There were three nodes and they were alarmingly big. My heart sunk.  My thoughts immediately went to cancer. But, I had been told that my mammogram was clear.  And, during the ultrasound, the doctor said that some auto-immune diseases could cause enlarged lymph nodes so not to worry. I breathed a sigh of relief because my rheumatologist had been testing me to see if I had a rare auto-immune disease due to some unrelated issues. Still, a biopsy was suggested. I was a bit nervous, but I went home sure that my swollen nodes were from some weird auto-immune disease. On Sept. 4th after dropping off my teenage sons for their first day of school, I received the call that has changed my life forever. The results were in. I heard the doctor say that the news wasn't good. I had Metastatic carcinoma. WHAT!? How the heck could I have cancer? And how had it spread already? My mammogram was clear! What the heck was going on? My head was swimming. I felt panic come over me. My heart was beating out of my chest. I felt like I would fall to the ground. I quickly gained my composure long enough to tell my husband that our biggest fear was hitting us right in the face. My composure didn't last long. I cried, he cried. We just held each other for a while and tried to make sense of the devastating news.  I received a second call a short time after. The hospital needed me to come in for a special breast MRI that night. They needed to find the origin of the cancer because this was the only way they could find out how to fight it. They knew it wasn't lymphoma, so it had to have started somewhere and as weird as it may sound, they were hoping it was in my breast.  I went in that night for the MRI and the following day for a breast ultrasound. I stared at the screen willing it to still be clear. But there it was. A mass hidden deep in the milk duct of my left breast, unable to be seen on the mammogram of which I had had two of.  A breast biopsy would confirm, Invasive ductal carcinoma with metastasis. Also known as, Metastatic Breast Cancer. I was given a PET scan to look for any other cancer in my body. Luckily, there was none. You'll notice I haven't mentioned what Stage it is. That's not an oversight. People tend to either lift you up or pity you depending on what Stage cancer you have. It's like if you have stage 1 or 2 they smile and say, glad they caught it early you'll be fine. But, don't let it be the dreaded stage 3 and God forbid it's stage 4 because then like you see on tv, the smiles disappear and they just pat you on the shoulder and tell you they will "pray for you." I'm partially kidding. Don't get me wrong. I believe prayers are welcome for any stage of cancer, it's just the "way" they say it. Like they don't truly believe you can really be cured. All kidding aside.  I'm extremely thankful for each and every prayer, good thought, and all the positive, healing energy being sent my way. They truly do lift me up. Those that have known about this diagnosis have only been positive and have brought me out of a few days of depression. I know that prayer along with lots of humor and laughter will carry me through the coming days. One other thing is, I now notice every single commercial for cancer drugs on television and I cringe at the list of side-effects that they mention at the end. Talk about an instant anxiety attack. I've now started watching the tv with my hand on the mute button, just in case one comes on.

Since my diagnosis less than 2 weeks ago, I have gone through so many emotions. I am angry. I feel like my body is cursed. I already have a neurological condition (Chiari Malformation) and severe osteoarthritis in my hips. Now cancer on top of all that?? I feel sad. I feel scared. I feel like Loki on the Avengers and Hulk just keeps slamming me into the ground, picking me up and slamming me again, nonstop. I have been waiting for the moment when my boys were in high school so I could finally concentrate on my acting career. I finally got representation from a talent agency in March of this year and I was so excited to fully work on my dreams of being a full-time actor. I feel cheated out of that chance. I've gone on a few auditions since my diagnosis, but I haven't booked any jobs. My head just hasn't been where it needs to be. No matter how much I try, all I can think about is this damn cancer. I know my dreams are just on hold for a while, but it still really hurts. People will tell you to think positively and to guard your spirit. But honestly, I just want to scream and cry and hit something with a bat. I didn't even mention how hard it was to tell my mother, brother, sister and especially our sons about my diagnosis. I feel bad that they have to deal with this. My boy's focus should be on school and work, not stressing about what's happening with me. And my sweet husband. He's been through so much with me and my illnesses. This just seems so unfair.

I just want to see my teens grow up. I want to be here when they graduate high school and college. I want to see them get married and have children of their own. I want to watch my 3 year old grandson grow up and go to high school, college, and beyond. I want to see my two adult sons get their dream jobs, or open a business, get married, find their first gray hairs, have 1st children, have more children so I can tease them about how they were as babies. I want to grow old with my husband. I want to book amazing acting jobs and see my dreams realized. I WANT TO LIVE!

On Sept. 17th, I will meet with the cancer team and see what the plan is for my treatment.They say it could be a combination of chemotherapy, radiation and surgery.  I've been told I can be cured. I wish I could be 100% sure of this. I've seen too many people, friends and family, alike not beat their bouts with cancer. My dad and sister in law being two of them. I am thankful that I have an amazing support system. I am thankful that I have doctors that didn't dismiss my enlarged node. I am hopeful that I will beat this. I am terrified of chemotherapy, but I am in survival mode and will do what I need to do to be cancer free. I'm sure when I post this, I will get a million suggestions on what to eat, and what to drink and if I'm sure I want to do chemo and blah blah blah, blah blah etc.... I know it will all come from a place of love and concern. But, if it will give me the best chance to live and beat this, hell yeah I'm doing it!!

I plan to blog about my journey.  I hope you will join me.

I have cancer, but I am not cancer. I hope people realize that. I'm still me. I'm still a wife, mom, grandmother, daughter, sister, auntie, niece, cousin, friend, actor, writer, nature photographer, gardener, and dreamer and more.

I'm Jocelyn A Board-Dorsey
Future cancer Survivor

#CancerSucks 

The Parable of the Monarch

I was watching a nature show one evening and they showed the metamorphosis of a monarch caterpillar. Now, I've been around and loved butterflies my entire life and I've seen this metamorphosis time and time again. I've even kept caterpillars so my sons could see how they change into butterflies. So I was quite surprised when after all of this time I learned a new lesson. Monarch caterpillars don't go far. They are very happy to live out their time on the milkweed plant. It stays there, eats and grows until it goes into its chrysalis. Now, after it becomes a monarch, the game changes. The monarch now has wings. It no longer hangs out on the milkweed plant. In fact, it doesn't even return to the milkweed plant except to lay its eggs on. The monarch uses those wings to explore the world. It flies all over, tasting the nectar of the bounty of colorful flowers around it. Eventually, the monarch travels thousands of miles to Michoacan, Mexico to a pre-destined place to converge with other monarchs from all over the country to breed and wait out the cold Winter weather. Why am I talking about caterpillars and monarch butterflies? Well, that caterpillar has no vision. It just stays in one place happily chewing on milkweed leaves. If it wasn't pre-destined to become a butterfly, it might be very content to just stay as it is. A lot of us are like that. Comfortable in our safe places and not even realizing that we are destined for something greater. When that something inside of us starts to awaken. We feel something that says to us, there's something else out there for me. I want to see more, I want to do more, I want to BE more. That feeling inside allows the metamorphosis to begin. We start to venture out. Use our wings more. We are no longer satisfied with the same surroundings. We have a desire to "spread our wings." This journey is not always easy. Just like the hardships the Monarchs face on their migration to Mexico, we face difficulties as well. I'm sure there are times the Monarch might think. "Hey, you know what? It's kinda warm here. I might be able to make it. There are plenty of flowers around and not a lot of things trying to eat me, I'll just hang out here for the Winter. No need to travel all of those miles." But the Monarch can't do that. Its journey would be incomplete. It has to face those challenges and get to its winter home or it could face certain death from the cold. Now, if we stay where we are physically, we won't face necessarily face death and we don't have a particular meeting place that is waiting for us like the butterfly does. But, you get the idea right? Each of us does have something deep within us that we want to see come to fruition. We might not even understand what it is at first. It's that nagging thing deep inside that won't leave us only. That thought we wake up with in the morning that drives us. That dream, that goal. Something we want to accomplish before our time in our earthly vessels is over. At least, I believe we all have that. Personally, for me, it would be easy to say that getting speaking roles in television and movies is what I want to accomplish. But it's so much more than that. I want to connect with people on a spiritual level. If I can do through acting, that would be amazing. Basically, I just want to live fully. I want to leave my milkweed plant, stretch my wings, fly and live as I was destined to live. You see, butterflies don't care. They do them. They don't feel self-conscious and wonder IF they should try to make it. They just do it. At the time of my transition, I want to have no regrets. I want to have just gone out there, put it all out on the proverbial table, lived my dreams, shared my gifts, and made a positive difference in the lives of others. I want to have loved deeply and not to have been afraid to be my authentic self, no matter what people might have thought of me. I'm not sure why seeing that video about the butterfly yesterday affected me the way that it did. But, I'm glad it did. It reminded me that we are all born with gifts. But if we never venture out, we may never discover what they are. Some of us never learn to fly. We let fear keep us from the unknown. Grounded and stagnant in a cocoon of perceived safety and comfort. I know this from experience. Well, that's my "Parable of the Monarch." I know it was a long read and some people won't even bother to read it to the end. But I believe that whoever this is for, it will reach them. Or maybe, it was just for me.


As always, Peace and Love,
Be Blessed.


 "A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are made for." ~ John A. Shedd.

A Moment of Transparency

It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop.

--Confucius

 I really need to talk about something that I've been dealing with. I decided to talk about it because keeping it all bottled up inside isn't helping me. Recently, I have had some life-changing health issues crop up that have knocked me for a loop. Each one causes me great pain at times and none of them are curable. Well, one is, but I have to go through surgery and therapy just to see if it will help with no guarantees that it will. When all of this hit me, it floored me. I didn't want to deal with the possibility that I will be in some type of pain every day for the rest of my life. For God sakes, I am only 50 years old! So, with this information came a million questions that swirled around my head. Most of them revolving around whether I would ever be able to see my dreams come to fruition. My dream has been to be a successful commercial, tv, and movie actor. And now that I have been diagnosed with an unspecified degenerative bone disorder in my hips on top of my pre-existing neurological disorder(Chiari Malformation) I wondered if my dreams were dead before they could ever be fully realized? I have been thrust into the throws of depression for the past month or so. I have hidden away from people and social outings. I have wallowed in self pity and sadness. I even turned my back on those things that once gave me joy.  Normally, I try to stay super positive. But lately, I have felt broken and cursed. DAMMIT! I put all of my dreams on the back burner so I could stay home, raise my sons and homeschool. I did this without regret. And if I had to make the decision again, I wouldn't change a thing. So, now that the youngest will be attending a regular high school in the fall, this was supposed to be my time to finally be able to focus on my dreams, not having bi-weekly doctor's appointments and reading medical reports that read like a tragic storyline on Lifetime television.  So often I just felt like collapsing in a pool of tears! And speaking of tears. I haven't even allowed myself to cry. They just don't even fall.  I'M SO ANGRY! Why is this happening to me? Why is my body failing me? Why do I have to deal with these issues? I am supposed to be going into the prime of my life, traveling with my husband, going on auditions, booking roles and doing awesome things, not having to deal with these stupid health issues.

Whew! Glad I finally got that off of my chest.

Now, I don't know why these things are happening to me and it sucks big time! But, I won't let it break me. Yeah, I've been depressed and sad. But, it will pass. Because even though I'm in pain daily, and my body is a bit weaker, my resolve to be an actor is still very strong. I don't believe I have this passion in my heart to just have it die. My life is far from over. My ability to do great work and create amazing things is not done. I might not be able to do any action scenes, but so what?? I don't see Viola Davis diving over any cars! I'm sure she probably could though if she wanted to. What I'm trying to say is this. Yes. From this day forward I may have more limitations. And I may not be able to run any marathons, but I can still act. That hasn't changed. I will travel with my husband. I will go to auditions and books roles and do awesome stuff. And if there ever comes a time where my physical issues severely limit my abilities to act, I will continue to do great work in other areas.  I will become a director, or I will produce what I write. But what I will never do is quit. As I mentioned earlier, my life is not over. It's just different. And as for those unshed tears. I will let them fall. Because tears are natural and I'm not ashamed of my sadness, I just won't let it consume me.

Peace and Love,
Jocelyn


“You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.” 
― Maya Angelou