Men-O-Pause

    I have come to discover recently that it probably isn't good idea to live in a house full of males when you are going through menopause. The word itself seems to be a signal that during these sensitive times, you need a "pause on men". Lately, I have been a bundle of emotions. Well actually, I have always been a bundle of emotions. But, they are heightened to the 10th degree. Sounds seem louder. Especially, when my husband snores, my poodle whines, and my sons listen to that bass heavy, electronic "dubstep" music.  It makes me want to scream! Don't they understand that my ovaries hurt!? My breasts are doing some weird painful thing, too and silence is the only cure!  I understand their stuff. Is it too much to ask that they would take the time to be a little more sympathetic and study the intricacies of the female reproductive system?

I really think that until I actually complete this evil female metamorphosis, I should be able to live alone in a lovely cottage on the beach. Of course my darling husband and sons would be able to visit often with gourmet meals and flowers, but they just wouldn't be able to stay all day. And overnights would definitely be out of the question. Strictly for their well-being of course. I mean, they don't need to be around me in this wacked-out hormone imbalanced state. Who knows when a severe mood swing might hit me or a hot flash that feels like I've been dipped in a volcano comes over me? Huh? I am not responsible for my actions during these times and their safety is always my first priority.

Also, pets should be kenneled. At least ones weigh over 200lbs, drool incessantly and shake the floor when they bark. Not sure exactly why they should not stay in the home, but let's cover all bases, shall we?

Cooking for the family and doing heavy housework should also be handed over until the menopausal period is completely over. I have heard that small lapses in memory can take place and it would just break my heart to burn a meal or not cook exactly what my picky bunch of testosterone laden children desire or forget to wash their socks or favorite t-shirt. So just until I am "all better", these jobs should be handed over to them.

I figure I should be 100% in about 8 years. Coincidently, this will be the same year my youngest son turns 18. Yes, I am sure I will feel much better around then. But only if he has a full scholarship and they pay for his apartment through the completion of his studies and afterwards.

Of course, I kid. So far going through "the change" hasn't been so bad. Very annoying and too slow for my liking, but it's the price we women have to pay for being able to get pregnant, be swollen and uncomfortable for nine months, experience excruciating pain giving birth, and then sleepless nights until forever.

Come to think of it, i'm not kidding. I need my place on the beach and I need it NOW!!!

Just thinking.......

So, I am having one of those "quiet moments". No tv, radio, video games or anything. Just silence and the occasional passing car and chirping birds. These moments are heaven to me. I am just one of those people that doesn't have to be doing something. I REALLY like being alone. And I don't have to be out shopping or going to a movie either. Just me, in my house, being quiet is fine. I am not anti-social in the least. It is just the way I am. I love people. I love listening to people, talking to them and being around them. But I value my alone time. And being a full-time homemaker and homeschooling mom, I don't get much alone time at all.

Sometimes I get a feeling of sadness when I see people with lots of friends hanging out, laughing and smiling. Part of me always wanted to have that.  I have always known tons of people, but I never had a group of girlfriends or even close friends that I hung out with. Not sure why it never happened, it just didn't. I used to think that maybe people didn't really like me, that they were just pretending. You know how people call you their friend, but never ever include you in anything they do. Or they say after the fact, "I should have called you." It seemed to me that their exclusion of me, was them letting me know how they really felt. WOW! I must have felt like this a long time. hmm? I guess I never have felt like I fit in. You know? I wanted to fit in and I tried really hard, but I always felt stupid when I did that. Even though embracing and loving myself for who I am, has left me feeling alone and excluded for most of my life, it is still better than pretending to be someone I'm not. So I learned how to enjoy just being with myself. No pretending going on there. I do have some awesome people around me though; my husband, my sons, my brother and my mom. And, a few family members and people that I know and love beyond kinship/friendship. I may not talk to them a lot or even hang out with them. But, if they ever needed me I would be there for them and I believe they would do the same for me.

That raises the question,
"Who am I?" I am just a pretty simple person with big dreams, and lots of insecurities doing the best I can with what I have. I am sensitive, empathetic, caring, but cautious. I am curious, creative, talented, but a bit shy. I don't like to brag or be boastful. I would however like to be dynamic at something and I would like to be recognized for it. Just keeping it real with you.

Moving on:
As long as I can remember I have wanted to act. But, I don't actively go out on auditions and I have gotten the courage up to get and agent. I believe I have the talent to get tons of jobs, but I still hold back due to fear.Maybe it is fear of success. Maybe it is a fear of rejection. Not sure, but I am working on it. Because more than anything, I want to an actor. And not just a good actor, A GREAT actor! SO, in order to actively live my dreams, I need to cast off the fears and stop being passively patient! I have things to do!!

Oh well, enough about me. I am going to take advantage of this quiet time and catch up on some sleep. Nap time is sacred.

Peace and Love, family. 

New and Improved

 I titled this blog post, "New and Improved" because I believe that since my last post I,personally have become new and improved. In just a few months, my thought processes have changed, my outlook on my future has gotten better. (although I still sink at times) And, I just feel so optimistic right now. Here's a few reasons why. 

 Lots of good things have been happening since I last posted. My husband,brother and I threw my mother  a huge surprise 75th birthday party. We invited friends and family and it was a really beautiful event.  My teenaged son when on his prom, had his final Orchestra concert and graduated from high school. Somehow, I managed not to cry during any of these ceremonies, but it wasn't easy. One day after my son graduated, I celebrated my birthday. It wasn't so much a celebration as it was waking up, fixing breakfast for my sons, doing some chores and going to a meeting. My husband did get me a beautiful cake. I realized this year, that although cakes are pretty and smell wonderful, I really don't like cake. (Sshhh, don't tell my brother!) Two days after my birthday, I embarked on a pretty cool project. I got the opportunity to work as a Production Asst. on a movie.The movie is called 72 Hours and will be released in 2015.  Actually, I did two jobs on the movie. Along with the P.A. work,  I was in charge of craft services. I made sure the cast and crew had food and drinks throughout the day. It was a great cast and crew to work with. The director, Christopher Nolen is an amazing person. I met so many awesome people and I learned a ton of stuff. The work was challenging. It even got frustrating at times, but the experience was unforgettable. I think I learned a lot about myself as well. 

After that project was over, I had to take a few weeks to think. I needed to figure out what I really wanted to do with my future. I have known forever that I wanted to work in the television and movie industry, but I wasn't sure where I fit in. I am still not really sure. But, I knew I couldn't just be stagnant. So, I set out on a personal journey to see if I could help myself figure it out. I decided to go to Atlanta to take a 2-day intensive acting workshop.The class is taught by actress, Tasha Smith. She runs a no-holds barred, tell it like it is class.  I had been wanting to go for a few years,but was never able to go. This time, I was determined. I learned a monologue, put my fears behind me and went. I am so glad I did. It was very educational. I came away with more confidence and the feeling that maybe I can do this. 

Since being back home, I have gone back to work as a background extra on the show, Chicago Fire. This is our 3rd season and I feel so blessed to be a part of such a great show. The hardest part about my job is that it always leaves me wanting more. I want a script in my hands, learning lines! I want to be an integral part of a show. I had a taste of that working on 72 Hours. But, it somehow always seems like I am just on the very outside looking in. I can say however, that in the past 12 months, I have had some incredible opportunities, and met some dynamic people. I pray that this continues and that there are even bigger things for me on the horizon. I leave myself open to all positive possibilities because I believe that dreams can come true. I just have to be patient. In class, Tasha Smith reminded us that if we stay focused on our goals and stick with it, our "due season" will come. That hope is what gets me through those rough days when I feel like it will never happen for me. 

In the mean time, I will keep dreaming, keep learning and keep trying to be become the best "me" I can be. 

Oh, by the way. My husband and I just celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary yesterday! Actually, he was at work all day and I was at home washing clothes, planning dinner and taking our sons to and from Summer Camp. But, it was still a beautiful day! 

Peace and Love