I can see clearly now....

Today has been one of those days where I see things clearly. I was truly foggy yesterday, just going through the motions. I guess having 4 sons and being a stay at home, homeschooling mom can do that to you. I found myself answering questions I never remember hearing let alone answering. I was cranky, tired and just downright surly. I wanted to get in my car and have it magically transport me to key west with a pina colada in my hand. This weather always does it to me. I feel stuck in my house, the sun isn't shining, and it is COLD!!! I just pray this winter goes as fast as the summer did. I did get out today and have a lunch with my mother. That was a rarity. My husband took over the homeschooling duties for the day. That helped out a lot. I had the chance to think about what I would like to do with my future. My dream is to get a leading or supporting role in a major motion picture. I am hanging on to that dream until I dream no more. But, in the interim, I am think about working with preschool kids or special needs children. I think I could handle that. Today! Let's see which path I am on tomorrow.

Dorsey Gift-giving Day

 I had a wonderful Thanksgiving this year. It was calm, relaxed, and the food was good (as usual).My boys tried to eat themselves silly. All except for my youngest boy. All he wanted was cornbread. No turkey, dressing, sweet potatoes, etc... Nothing! Just cornbread. My 8 year old ate enough for the both of them. My brother, mother, aunt and niece joined us this year. We listened to music and laughed about how we would not want to be outdoors. it was one of the coldest Thanksgivings in a few years. It was only in the 20's by nightfall. We talked about all the sales that would be starting and looked at the paper full of Black Friday Ads. I was glad not to be out in the stores today looking for stuff  I really don't need to be buying anyway. I must admit though, I do get a bit a caught up in all of the Black Friday, Cyber Monday stuff. But, I take a different approach. I think about what I want to get. Then, I check online for prices. I purchase a few items before the holiday, but the majority is bought after Christmas. You see, my family has our own holiday. We call it simply "Gift Giving Day". We celebrate it on a different day every year. It falls in between Dec. 26th and Dec. 30th because we want the boys to get to enjoy their gifts before school/lessons start back. We choose a day when my husband will be home and we have our day. It is such a pleasure watching the boys open their gifts. My husband and I both grew up celebrating Christmas, but stopped a long time ago. We had such fond memories of it and wanted to share something like that with our own family. We celebrated the non-religious holiday of Kwanzaa for awhile and still incorporate some of the traditions into our gift giving day. No trees, no lights, no Santa. Just family, presents and fun. The youngest boys don't know what day it will be and when they come out of their rooms and see all of the wrapped boxes, it is priceless. It is nothing big, but it is another way to pass down something to the boys. We hope they will do the same with their families in the future. Whether it be Christmas, Kwanzaa, Eid, of their own Dorsey Gift Giving Days. I hope all of you have a very enjoyable holiday season. Peace.

My Favorite Time of the Year

I love Thanksgiving! It is my favorite Holiday. It brings back memories of my grandmother Bernice, who we affectionately called, "Dear". I remember the smells of her cooking with my mom and aunts. We always had a huge dinner. There was turkey, ham, beef, lamb, lasagna, candied sweet potatoes, green beans, mac and cheese, greens, rutabagas (never liked those), potato salad, cranberry sauce and to top it all off, homemade rolls. There was always a line of people waiting to grab them as they came out piping hot from the oven. There were always people "stopping by". They knew how well our family cooked. It was always a treat for us to see who was coming through the door. Needless to say, we were stuffed by the end of dinner. Then came dessert. There were too many to count, but the last thing brought out was always the cheesecake that my grandma had made and hid in the back of the fridge. We would claim our space on the couch to recuperate. We would laugh about Thanksgivings from previous years and compliment all the cooks for another wonderful meal. There was plenty for everyone to take a plate home for the next day. It seemed so simple then. My grandmother has been gone for six years now and our once big family dinners have dwindled down to just my immediate family. My mom, husband and children. The rest of the family have all gone their own ways. I guess my grandma was the glue that held us all together. My mom and I split the task of cooking between the two of us. She makes the turkey, sweet potatoes, rolls and a vegetable. I make the beef, another vegetable, macaroni and cheese and various desserts. We are still stuffed at the end of the day and they is still plenty left over for the next days. We still talk about "the old days" and how much we miss our family and friends that are no longer with us. I hope my children have great memories. I do wish they had been around to experience the family when we were all together. It was great being with all the cousins, uncles, aunts and friends. Things have changed, but I am thankful that I have a family to share my memories with and build new ones with as well. The tears well up in my eyes as I reminisce, but there is a smile on my face. What a wonderful time it was, what a wonderful time it continues to be. If you're in the neighborhood, come by. There is always room for one more.

I solemnly swear...

Today was my 1st encounter with jury duty. We were told to report at 9 a.m. and that we would at the latest we would be dismissed by 4:30p.m.....nope. By 6:45p.m., we were still in the courtroom. We were all so frustrated and ready to go home. Luckily, I didn't get picked. It was a big change of pace for me.  Me being a homeschooling mom, I rarely leave my house unless I have the boys in tow and we are going on a field trip or shopping, etc... I haven't been on public transportation to travel downtown in 20 years. While my jury experience might have been grueling, I needed to do it. I needed to get out on my own again and do something. Even something as tedious as this. I felt alive. I was back out in the world talking to people I didn't know and truly enjoying it. I had lunch and wondered what the other people that passed me were like. I made up stories about their lives and caught myself laughing out loud a couple of times. Away from the safety of my four walls, I realized that, I have become a prisoner in my own mind. I have in a sense, shut down a part of me and said that it was for the sake of my children. I crippled the part of me that was adventurous and that used to travel and discover stuff. Now, I make sure it is something I can do with the boys. Who, by the way had a lovely time while I was gone. Their wonderful dad made homemade taffy apples with them and they even built a small entertainment center to hold their game console. They were so proud of themselves.I was proud too. I was also mourning the person that I used to be and wondering when I lost her. After everything is said and done, I was pleased to come home and hug my boys. Say evening prayers, sing lullabies, and get goodnight hugs and kisses. Today, was a good day. 

Prescription for peace and quiet.

I went to the doctor today because I have been dealing with one pain after another. I told my doctor that I was a stay at home homeschooling parent of two busy boys. We talked for a moment about my day to day life. She asked me how I did it. "How did I do what"?, I asked her. "How do you stay at home everyday and homeschool your children.?" She went on to say that she didn't have the patience to do what I do everyday. I laughed to myself because I don't think I could run between clinics and hospitals everyday dealing with sick people. Although I do have 3 kids sick at home with tonsillitis. She asked me if I thought I was depressed. "Hmmm, depressed, no. Stressed, YES!" I answered. She said I needed to take some time out for myself. Find a few days to just take care of me and relax. Not really sure how I am going to accomplish that one. But, the holidays are coming up and I haven't broken in my passport yet. Anybody need a housesitter in Fiji? I know just the person.

Happiness and Joy amidst chaos

Today I wake with joy in heart. I was feeling like some moms do at times when you wonder whether the things you do make a difference. I have 4 sons ranging in age from 6 to 20. They are four totally different beings. They are smart, funny, inquisitive, sensitive, exasperating, and loving. At any given moment, I might have one that is trying to explain why we should allow him to buy a car that he can't afford, one that has "misplaced" his $100.00 calculator for the 5th time, one that can't understand why he can't play video games for 12 hours on Saturday and last but least, one that brings his mommy a glass of ice water and says, I love you mommy without fail everyday. How blessed I am to have them. They keep me sane. They force me to use my brain so that I won't be consumed by the chaos. They make sure that I am never bored. I am constantly tweaking my parenting skills to stay on top of what they might throw at me next. And believe me, they throw double fisted handfuls. When people see me with all of my boys, we always get the obligatory question, "Are you gonna try for that girl?" I always wince when I hear that because, I did have a daughter. Her name was Camara. She was a beautiful 81/2 pound bundle of wonder. We were so happy to finally have a girl after our 1st two sons. Her brothers thought she was cool. My family bought tons of pink stuff for her. Unfortunately our happiness was short-lived. She contracted Group B strep meningitis only 3 weeks after her birth. She spent 3 weeks in the hospital and succumbed to the disease on Nov. 18th, 1999. She died in my arms with my husband by my side. I can't even describe the feeling in words. Our 2nd son was turning 4 on the 20th. How could I deny him his party? I found the strength to go out and shop around for his Toy Story cake topper and put streamers up. He had his party and it was nice. It gave me a moment to be thankful for my healthy boys. We buried her on a beautiful, unseasonably warm day. I only remember bits and pieces. Holding my niece, who was only 2 months older than my daughter, making sure my boys didn't see me cry, watching my husband place our daughter tiny casket into her grave, the fire engine from his job parked nearby, looking up at the butterfly balloons my brother had released. One staying behind, caught in a tree overlooking the scene. I wondered when I would wake up from this dream. 11 years later I am still waiting.

My younger two boys snap me back to reality. There are bodies to get washed, breakfast to make, lessons to get done, arguments to settle, field trips to take. Chaos, stress, craziness, frustration. Smiles, laughter, hugs, prayers and lullabies sung to me by my babies. I wouldn't change a thing.

Stray Dogs and Strep Throat

Whew! What a week. This time of year is always crazy. But, this year seems even crazier. My soon to be 15 year old, brought home a stray chihuahua. She was cold and emaciated and in need of some love. So, of course I couldn't turn her away. My 8 and 6 year old were overjoyed to have another dog in the house even though we already have a hyper poodle named Benji. Anyway, I told them right away that we were not keeping her and that we would try and find a home for her as soon as possible. One week later, she is still here and the boys are getting more attached by the day. In the meantime, a virus is descending on my home. Sore throats, swollen tonsils, stuffy noses, and me, running around with my clorox wipes wiping down everything they might have come in contact with so I don't catch it. On the bright side, I found out that I won a Starbuck's Gift Card while reading one of my favorite blogs. That was fun! So, it now it is time for me to check on the boys and give them their medicine. It will definitely come in handy when it arrives. Stay Healthy!