A Mommy Mistake

Photo Credit: Law of Attraction.com 

I made a "mom mistake" the other day. While it is certainly not the first one, it was one that I really want to tell you about.  It happened when my very athletic 11-year-old nephew came over for a visit, one day. My son, Ky adores his younger cousin and he was thrilled he was coming to spend the day with us. My nephew walked in looking like a 16-year-old with his basketball gear on and out comes my 12-year-old  excited as always with his penguin pj's on and his Pusheen cat plushy in his arms. In that instant, I was mortified. I was afraid that my nephew would judge his cousin and think he was "soft" because here he was ready to go play basketball later that day and there was my son, smiling with a stuffed animal in his arms. (One of many) But, I quickly realized that I was the only one doing the judging. My husband and I have always raised our sons(especially our two youngest homeschooled sons) to not follow the crowd and to be themselves and not worry about what other people think of how they are. But, all I could think about was if I had made a mistake by allowing my son to still sleep with his stuffed animals. Maybe I should have put them in more sports to make them "harder" or left them in public school to toughen them up. I quickly came to my senses and said, "This is stupid!" I really said that, out loud to myself. My son is amazing! He is talented and kind and loving and one of nicest people I have ever known. Why was I (of all people)wishing that he was someone else? I sat in deep thought for a while and came up with an answer. It boiled down to me not wanted my sons to deal with the rejection that I felt all my life. I was either too short, too fat, too geeky or even as an adult, too much of a homebody. I told myself that, I didn't want that for my son. I wanted him to fit in and have people like him and definitely not judge him for having a large collection of stuffed animals or not knowing the latest slang words or texting girls and wearing orange as much as humanly possible. But, had people really judged me like that or had I judged myself? And was I now doing the same thing to my children?  Ky fits in just fine because he doesn't judge. Himself or others. He is just Ky. Happy, well-adjusted, optimistic, "everyday is my best day", Ky. He is secure in the fact that he loves penguins and the color orange. He doesn't care that he doesn't know any popular dances or hip hop songs.  He isn't concerned with the latest slang words or remotely interested in girls, yet. That last thing about girls brought me back to a recent conversation I had with him about whether he understood what his dad was saying to him when he and his older brother were given, "the talk." I remember Ky answering, "Yeah, I heard him. But I'm twelve and not interested in any of that stuff right now." I think he jumped off my bed and went to go play Minecraft right after that. I laughed at my inner moment of mommy madness. I had done exactly what I hate to see other parents do to their children. But luckily I had only done it in my head, but it was just as damaging. Because in that quick moment I wanted to suggest to my son that he should give up his collection of toys for maybe a football or a basketball. I hadn't allowed the words of judgment to come out of my mouth and harm my son but I had looked at him how thought the world would want to see him and that was wrong.  I watched as my sons played and laughed with their cousin. I felt sad that I had secretly judged him a few hours earlier. But I was proud that he was everything I could ever ask for in a son. I made sure to go take a good long look at myself in the mirror. I promised the person I saw in the reflection that I would never make that mistake again. And that I would also work on not judging myself as well.

My purpose, my life

Lately, I have been in a humongous funk. I mean HUGE! Let me tell you why. For as long as I can remember I have wanted to be an actor. But I have never been successful at it. Now let me say that I have had some extremely amazing experiences while working as a background artist, a collaborator on an awesome comedy sketch pilot and as a craft service coordinator for independent films. But, I have never been able to have that opportunity to live out the dream of acting that I play over and over in my head. And because of that, I fell into a depression. In my mind, by this time in my life, I would have had an agent, been doing national commercials, and definitely, have had a speaking role in a television show or movie. But the Universe in its' infinite wisdom and cruel sense of humor obviously has other plans. And mostly those plans include my youngest son getting an agent, doing a national commercial and having a speaking role in a movie. So, while I am thrilled beyond words at my son's accomplishments, I must admit I get a bit sad every time a new month goes by on the calendar, a new gray hair appears in my head and, I see my friends doing all the things I dreamed of doing.

Do I sound a bit (okay a lot) "woe is me-ish?" Well, stick with me, it gets better I promise.

So, I decided to find out what my "purpose" was. Because I will NOT accept the thoughts that I am just be meant to have all of these dreams in my head or acting, to be tortured by them forever. I mean, I am okay with the possibility that I may never be an actor in the grander sense of the word. But I just have to know what I am here on this planet to do. So, I went on my quest (well it was more of a facebook post, a lot of praying and a day spent in my pajamas under a blanket) to find out where I should focus what little energy I had left. First, I made a list of all the things I really love to do. Hmmm? Acting(of course), cooking, writing, animals, and photography. Pretty good list. But could any of these be my purpose?

I mean, I had done this so many times in the past and every time nothing had come of it. Or had it? In the wee hours of the morning January 9th, 2017 (3 a.m to be exact)I got my answer. Turns out I had been living my purpose (and pushing it away) at the same time. There was one thing I had forgotten to put on my "list of loves." I truly love inspiring and encouraging others. I try and post a few original positive quotes here and there from time to time, and I always feel better after I do so. But I was so drawn into my own depression and feelings of inadequacies recently, that I forgot. It took a dear sweet woman in my life to remind me(just a few hours ago) that I had even stopped writing this blog. She told me she always loved my blog and she even said she saved a lot of them. Why had I stopped? I don't know. I mean writing is one of my loves and I really enjoyed blogging.  I think I got so caught up in what wasn't happening for me that I neglected what I already had. So is my purpose in the short time I have on this earth to inspire and encourage others through my writing? I'm not sure. All I know is, it feels amazing when someone tells me that something I wrote touched them or changed their life. It freaks me out a bit too because usually when I post those quotes, I am just trying to encourage myself, and change my own energy.

Anyway, the lesson I learned out of all of this is, your passion may not always be your purpose. But your purpose is definitely attached to your inner strengths and gifts. Tap into them.

I still hope to get that big speaking role one day. But until then, you can find me writing or cooking, or taking a picture of a cat or a flower somewhere. You get the idea.

Peace and Love